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Kingdom of the Black Feather

Novel By: volleyballchick
Fantasy


A love story about two kids and how their love grew as did their friendship. Yet an interfierence came afoot. A deamon with humoungus black wings noticed the boy (Shane's) weakness was Carmen (the girl). So he kidnapped Carmen. Now Shane discovered where this deamon rules. Now Shane and his companions are on their way to save Carmen. View table of contents...

Chapters:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Submitted: Jun 18, 2008    Reads: 130    Comments: 27    Likes: 5   


Click play above before reading :D

alt

Ever since they were five they've been adressed as Carmen and Shane. The best of friends in Grand Central. Carmen was the wild child out of her family. She was lady like, but also liked to play. Shane had two big sisters and a cat. They lived in the most expensive and tallest builing in Grand Central on 86th street. His parents were both writers and hardly had time with him at all. Mostly he and Carmen played withed his sitter, Diego. Personaly, Shane thought at seven he didn't need a sitter. But Diego was cool to him.

"I talked to my mom yesterday," Shane said to Carmen as they walked on the New York side walk. "Well...what happened?" Carmen asked licking her stolen icee. Shane shrugged, "The usual. Basically big words I don't know. Some times, I think they make 'em up. Who knows? More importantly who cares." Carmen dropped her icee in the trash. "You need a vamacation," she said licking her sticky fingers. "A what?"

"A vamacation. That's when you leave your daily things, to new stuff. Like now you have Diego following you every where so he HAS to come. Bringing anyone else?" Carmen asked hopefully. Shane shrugged, "Not that I know of." Carmen sighed. Shane thaught, "Wait, do you want to come?" Carmen's face lit up, "Yeah! I can tell my mom, and we can go sleep in Central Park!" Shane stopped at a street crossing, "I can't wait!" Carmen looked at her red converse. The laces dangling to the sides.

"Uh, Shane, can you tie shoes?" Shane nodded, "Why, don't you?" Carmen blushed, "Of course I do. But can you show me...how you...tie yours? Yeah! Because I was just wondering." Shane rolled his eyes, "Sure Carmen." He knelt down and started to tie. "Shane, it's gonna rain. The sky is really grey," Carmen gasped. Shane glanced up at the sky, " What do you expect? It's been hot since Monday." A clap of thunder went threw the Earth. "Aaaaaa!" Shane and Carmen yelled in startlement.

"Wow!" Carmen sighed. Shane gave Carmen her rain jacket. "Thanks, " she said putting it on. Shane zipped up his, "No problem dude." Carmen put her brown braid outside the hoody, "Good thing you hang on to these jackets." Thhey started walking back up the hill to go home. "Hey Shane," Carmen whispered. "Why are you whispering?" he asked. Carmen shrugged and continued. " Do you think there's something out there? Not Aliens, but some sort of... magic." Shane was officially confused, "Magic? Like pixie dust?"Carmen felt a drop of rain on her head. "No, a certain type of magic. Like only magic we can make sense of...a SECRET magic!"

Just then the rain poured. "Aaaaaa!" they screammed. They started running uphill. "It's cold drops! Cold drops!" Shane yelled. Carmen's hair came out the braid and turned into wet strands of hair. " I hate thunder storms!" Carmen yelled over the rain. CRRRRRRAACKK!!!! "Aaaaaa!" They screammed. They started running again. Carmen's shoe untied and she tripped onto the wet concrete. "Shane!" she cried. Shane looked back at Carmen holding her knee. He ran back, "You okay?" Carmen shook her head, "It stings!" He thaught for a second, "Uh... Get on my back!" She climbed on slowly and they were off again.

From a roof top, a pair of yellow eyes stared at them run. " Yes Shane, run. Run all you want. But when the time is right, I will have to kill you before you realize your true power. Maybe even worse. Maybe even Carmen. But I must wait until you age a little more. The longer the time, the more your relationship will change," said the deamon staring at them in the storm. His black wings spread and he flew off into the sky. Leaving only a single...black feather.


5

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Comments:

Comment PPPPPPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

:'(

Posted: Jun 20, 2008

Shane and Carmen are cute =)

But I found it to be a little hard to read and clumped together. Maybe you should try putting each line of dialog in its own paragraph?

Keep on writing =)

Posted: Jun 21, 2008

Author Comment:

Thanks a bunch! :D

Quilla
(not registered user)

aw, so cute.
i don't think startlement is a word though. lol. it should be.
:]

Posted: Jun 21, 2008

Author Comment:

Ihave no clue if it's a word either?
:D

AWWWWWWWW! Cute! (is that u in rl? if so, u were SOOOoOoOoOoo cute! heehe) great story!

Posted: Jun 21, 2008

Author Comment:

I wish that were me! :P LOLZ

You are very talented. I hope you keep you enthusium for writing. Keep writing for you may take very good to "take your breath away".

Posted: Jun 22, 2008

Author Comment:

thanx :P

Cool, I love fantasy stories!

Posted: Jun 22, 2008

Author Comment:

Same here. Some times others, but mainly fantasy.

Good Job! I loved it! I will habve 2 read on! (If u like romance novels, try mine! Thanks!)

Posted: Jun 23, 2008

Author Comment:

Alright Ima check! :D

why so sad?:(
your story was cool.
i loved it

Posted: Jun 23, 2008

Author Comment:

It gets better. Wait till the reunion! Woops! Said to much :D

awesome!!!

Posted: Jun 24, 2008

Author Comment:

thanx

Wow I love the beginning..you're off to a great start! :)

Posted: Jun 24, 2008

Author Comment:

Well I do have six chapters. :D

The intro is good, I always tell myself if the introduction or first chapter doesn't captivate you then the next chapter won't either. A few grammer errors and misspellings but nothing that ruin the flow of the story. I'm hoping that I learn more of Shane, Carmen and of course the 'black feather' in your future chapters

Posted: Jun 25, 2008

Author Comment:

I'm famouse for bad spelling :?

You have a good start.
Critiques it moves to fast in the beginning I have not idea who the characters are or a good sense of their surroundings.
I suggest you slow it down and be less general about the magic make specific that makes it more interesting.
Good luck and dont quit I have re written my novel countless times. I hope you check it out tell me what you think.

Posted: Jun 25, 2008

Author Comment:

can do :D

Good job on Chapter 1

Posted: Jun 25, 2008

Author Comment:

Thanx but wait until you read on, a surprise is ahead :D

hmmm you dont got to beg jeez laweeze lol I liked the first chapter keep it up VOLLEYBALLGIRL

Posted: Jun 25, 2008

Author Comment:

:)

Adorable! I liked the soundtrack too!

Posted: Jun 25, 2008

Author Comment:

:)

:) aw the music is brill, definetly made imaging the whole picture easier in my opinion ^_^ great writing
x

Posted: Jun 26, 2008

Author Comment:

thanx

Very nice story, a little hard to read though. Try and seperate some of the dialogue, that will help, and sometimes less is more. Keep it up and always remember, writing is really rewriting. If you get a chance take a look at some of my writings too. Thanks. Ted

Posted: Jun 26, 2008

Author Comment:

thanx

love the part where u show that they r close... n the part where she was tryin not to let shane no tt she cant tie her shoe laces^^~ Great!!~^^

Posted: Jun 26, 2008

Author Comment:

thanx a bunch :)

Cool begining.
going on to read the next chapterr!!!

Posted: Jun 26, 2008

Author Comment:

:]

Great job. I like it.

Posted: Jun 26, 2008

Author Comment:

(:

Show's a sense of romance and heartache. Nice.

Posted: Jun 26, 2008

Author Comment:

thanx :]

wow I'm very impressed with this so far, demons, magic, crazy little kids, this book has it all lol. Keep up the good work.

Posted: Jun 26, 2008

Author Comment:

:)

oooo, demons. i like, i like!!

Posted: Jun 28, 2008

Author Comment:

thanx! :)

OOOHHHH wow... that was strong.. i could picture every bit of it! keep it up! ^^ and keep me posted!!! lol

Posted: Jul 5, 2008

Hello volleyballchick,
I am sorry that it took me so long to get back to you. I had a problem with my Booksie Page so I've set up a new one. I found your story full of interesting characters and action. Keep at it ! Nonna2

Posted: Jul 10, 2008

finally . i got to read the story ,
delighted i dropped by ,you are going to be one very special writer , you already have a huge talent as this story proves , it's delightful.
terry

Posted: Jul 25, 2008



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