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How to die famously

Novel By: witch fang

A thousand years a go, the great war ended and the only survivor, an immortal named Alice, is still alive. But she's not happy about it. Fed up with her boring existance, she'll cross desserts and oceans to get to the after life and be remebered as the only immortal who made it into Valhalla.

How to die famously is a sort of spur of the momment thing so if you dont like it, well, I dont care. View table of contents...


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Submitted:Nov 1, 2008    Reads: 123    Comments: 2    Likes: 1   

Ever sat down and watched the world go past? Ever done it for a hundred years? No eating, no sleeping, no nothing. Just............watching. NOw, I'll be honest with you, It gets boring after the first ten years but if you really stick at it, well, no. It's still boring then. LIfe, in genral, sucks shit. It's too plain, so slow, and oh so two hundred years a go. I'm over it. And I've been over it for the last, say,five thousand years? Uh-huh, vampires aint got nothing on me, bitch. But what's an immortal to do? Throw herself off a cliff? I survive. Drown herself? I can fucking breathe under water. And dont even talk to me about blades because I'll bend the knife. See? I'm flame, water, acid, wood, metal, rope etcetera etcetera resistant. So I've been trying to find a way, you know? I didn't die in the war and now I'm trying to find a new way to get to the other side. Honestly, you mortals( I assume mortals are reading this. That or dolphins), have it so easy. Your so fragile, all you have to do is maybe not move for a few weeks and you'll die on the spot. I dont have the same problem, because even though I like food, I dont nesacarilly require it to survive. I dont need air, food or sunlight. I can live through starvation, war, and if an atomic bomb exploded I'd probably be the only thing that'd survive. That and the roaches. Ew. Roaches. THis is my story and I'm Alice by the way. So sit back, relax and, I dont know? Keep breathing, I guess?

I'm not a thief. Well, I try not to be. But I was just passing through town, Not ears dropping or any thing, just passing. When I heard this woman telling her daughter not to dabble in witch craft or the occult or any thing. "Else the villagers will leave you out in the fields, tied to a stake for the dragons to come and eat youu". Well, that's a total crock. THe real moral of the story should be dont dabble in public, or even better, dont tick off stupid villagers because they'll just throw you in a river. And dont you try to swim either! Cause then you're DERFINITLEY a witch! But, getting to the point. That dragon idea really got me thinking. So the next day, I "borrowed" a stake and some rope from the priests room behind the church. Yup, villagers allways had a few extra stakes lying around back then. It's a villager thing. And went and found a good spot, right in the middle of the field. Getting the stake in the ground was no problem. I'm really strong, but I've never been good with knots. Hours and hours passed but to no avail, until finally I got it. Well, the first knot any way. And I Was so ready. I even practiced my distressed call. "HElp, some one please! Help me!" I didn't think any one would acyually come and help me. But some one did, of course they did. He was a knight in shining armour on a brilliant white horse. (Rolls eyes). I looked for a name tag but didn't find one. Oh well, I could guess. Roland, Jhonathon, Eric- "Fair damsel! I- am Norman Jelly, fair night of bad jelly hills." Oooooookay... so that suprided me. I heard of a witch named Bad jelly once, didn't turn out to well. "Um-"

"Dont fret madame! I- norman Jelly- will Save you!"

"Yes, um. See, that's the thing. I'm a- uh- a witch you see!"

"O?!" He looked up confused. "Well- uh? Are you a good witch or a bad witch?"

"Oh. I'm a very BAD witch. That's why I've been left out here, you see? For the hungry dragons."

"Dragons!" His voice lept up nine octaves and I could feel my ears actually ringing. I looked at him appraisingly. and noticed things I hadn't before. His height for instance. I'm tall for a girl, at five foot eight. This boy would probably only come to my shoulders, if that. And by the way he was walking I guessed the armour was to big for him in places. "Yes. Dragons. Big, scaly, breathes fire. You know?"

"Um-well. I dont think you're really evil so why dont I save you-uh-"

"What was that?!" I said pointing, accidentrally breaking the ropes. "What?!" He turned and drew his sword. It was white as well and allmost blindingly shiny. "Oh! Damn it!" I let the ropes fall around me and he turned back towards me, puzzled. "How did you-?"

I silenced him with a glare that could burn glass. "Shut up. Just- SHUT UP!" He fell back and crawled, back wards, away from me. "I-I-I_"

"I-I-I-I dont care!" I reached down and yanked him up by his shoulder. I tore off the helmet and stared at the foolish motal who dared to try and save me. He was younge, about fifteen, with red springy hair, green eyes and spots. Judging by the way, his scream kept changing from younge boy to distrssed teen age girl, I'd say he was just leaving the cute stage and entering the awkward, gangly teen phase of his short pitifull life. I shook him like a rag doll until he rattled inside his silver armour before dropping him on the ground. Just then I heard a loud, high pitched animakl scream, high above me. I tilted my head up wards, giving my startled savior a short reprieve. The creature landed about twenty metres in front of me. He,(or was it a she? There's really no polite way of knowing) glittered gold in the light and was very tall but still a youth by the look of him. About two hundred? I dont know, last time I heard, the oldest dragon alive today is that bastard Phillonius. He's three years older than me and he never lets me forget. mumble mumble- ass hole- mumble, mumble. "well?" He looked at me with an inquiring expression that bordered on intrest. Strange for a dragon. "aRE YOU GONNA EAT EM OR WHAT?" hE CLEANED HIS PAWS, OR CLAWS OR WHAT EVER AND GAVE ME A WHAT-ARE-you-talking-about look. Wel, fuck you too. "Back, back foul beast!" Oh no! NOt the genga knight. Oh, save me fierce knight- except, yeah, not!

"Look kid. I dont think you-" He pulled out hos sword and charged. Well, what was I supposed to do? HE was going to slay my only chance of becoming famous. So I jumped in front of the blade. Yeowch! That hurt like hell. But oh well. So he's standing there, holding the sword in shaky hands as it trembled inside me. THe other side stuck through my back. "uh-uh-uh-uh-" I looked down at it. Wow.It got through me. I wasn't dying but this was an improvement at least. I pulled it out-Ah! I wouldn't feel that tomorow at least. (Quick healer). The wound healed allmost instantly and I turned to stare at the dragon youth, He wa ssuprised to, or at least as much a dragon can be. "Well? What the fuck are you staring at?" HE shook his head and I rolled my eyes. I didn't have a hilt so I stuck in my belt. "Sorry kid, but this little toy sword is coming with me. CAll it payment for sticking it through my stomach." He nodded his head, mouth agape. Why take it? Two reasons. One, because if it can get through me there's no telling what it could do? Reason two, because I am a bad, bad girl and it's funny. I walked towards thew dragon youth and gave him one good chance to eat me. He didn't take it. "Okay, boy. I dont know who you are and you dont know who I am but we both know what, sort of creature we are. So eithetr take the chance to eat me now or take me to some one who can?" Funny. I've never met a dragon with a conscious before.I've never met a dragon who I havn't knocked un-concios before. Oh well, first time foreverything. HE spread his golden wings and crouched down. I leapt up and landed on his back. Norman Jelly, the poor knight who just happened to catch the wong damsel in distress, stared at us open mouthed still. I flt sorry for the kid. Really I did, but- it's not my fault I tried to tell myself. I just- oh damn it! I'm never going to win, my reasonable self told me. Just look at him. He's pathetic. "Hey kid!" I threw him back his sword and he caught it by the hilt. "Come here." He folowed, I know, because his brain had short circuited as soon as he accidentally stuck that magic sword through me. The dragon muttered and hnched his shoulders a little but I thumped him between his eyes. "Hey! Be nice. If that thing went through me it can definitley penetrate your funny scales. I saved your life you know." The dragon snorted what I thought to be a sarcatic laugh. Ha ha, very funny. But wait,with that blade, maybe it'll work on Phillonius. Oh good. If this didn't work out, I could allways go find Phillonius and take my anger out on him. Stupid, scaly, lizard chicken half breed wind bag. I hope he spontaniosly comusts.

So lets give a quick review. Frst chapter of my story and you know-well- very close to nothing in fact. You know I'm strong, probably fast and with an attatude problem bigger than Texas. I have a pretty much bullet proof ego and you allready know that I interact with mythical creatures on a nearly daily basis. I dont how ever do magic. Never could, never wanted too, so if that's what your waiting for, I wouldn't hold your breath. Seriously, I hear it's fatal for humans. I was in a war one thousand years a go and I'm fed up with life. I've set my legend and how better to end it than to be the only immortal, to die? So, whether you plan on reading this, I dont mind. Just thought you should know.


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