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A demons love Angels Betrayel

Short Story By: Canine
Fantasy


the love between a deamon and an Angel. But who betrayes who? View table of contents...

 

Submitted: Jul 5, 2007    Reads: 161    Comments: 15    Likes: 8   


 

Forbidden love whispers threw the night. Two beings of two different worlds come to this hidden sanctuary to express a desire that is not allowed. From the sky, velvet blue sparked with dots of glorious blazing white light comes a being of infinite good. With wings of swan feathers and a dress made of morning fog and dew a beautiful angel descends.

            From the bowels of the earth, black and red a place best described as an inferno comes a being of infinite evil. With skin as black as coal and a tail as scaly and long as a rats, no clothing does this one where for no clothing can repel the heat of where he comes from a horrible demon ascends.

            Together they meet where towering trees block the sight from both worlds keeping their forbidden pleasures secret. Wind moans and stirs the trees bringing with it the combined smell of hell and heaven, bad and good, loyalty and betrayal.

            They meet in a lover's embrace, tears of diamond falling from the angels eyes while pits of burning fire flares in the demons. Black and white, pure and impure, together they meld.

            Together they create a heaven and hell all their own. With a Satan and a God, with good and evil. Here their children grew and prospered, some the evil of their father some the good of their mother, some... neither... some just were.

            But which is truly evil, evil that knows its evil or evil that thinks it's good? The angel called upon her master, begging for her lover's acceptance into heaven and accepted he would be.

            The demon was wrenched from hell, from his eternal torture. For keeping the secret of their love, for never betraying their loyalty the demon was reinstated into heaven. His scales were removed in one painless sweep replaced by flawless skin. His tail was removed his burning eyes replaced with eyes of the clearest green. His fangs receded until there was nothing but a row of perfect teethe. His heart cleansed until there was nothing left of the demon that was once him.  

            But the angel betrayed his scared trust told what was their forbidden secret. The angel's wings were removed one feather at a time. Her halo broken into three pieces and thrown onto the planet they had created with their love. Her gown was replaced one dewdrop at a time with scales of black sulfur. The demon now an angel knew this was the way it had to be. For when he was a demon he had given his unconditional loyalty to her but now that he was good his loyalty went to something even bigger then her, she had betrayed him she had to be punished.

            He watched as she was throw into hell but felt no remorse. She had broken true love. He turned his back on her, his fallen angel.  


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Comments:

Well now wasn't that different. A very interesting take on the concepts of good and evil.
All in the piece is very nice but I have a few suggestions and tweaks for you.

Paragraph 1:
desire that is not allowed
"desire not allowed"
This will remove the redundant working and smooth the sentence.

Paragraph 2
earth, black and red a place
earth, black and red"," a place
The extra comma adds to the flow in the sentence and simplifies the meaning.

scaly and long as a rats
Rats tails aren't really scaly. More leathery. But if the scales is what you want I would go with this:
"and a tale scaled in reptilian threat." It seems more menacing."

Paragraph 3:
from both worlds keeping their forbidden
from both worlds"," keeping their forbidden
The comma here again just helps the flow along.

Paragraph 4: (this is a personal one)
pure and impure,
pure and tainted,
I feel the word taint seem more appropriate. But thats just me.

Paragragh 5:
The angel called upon her master,
For the angel called upon her master,
Here the word for links this to the previous sentence making it seem less dis-jointed.

Paragraph 7:
The demon was wrenched from hell, from his eternal torture. For keeping the secret of their love
The demon wrenched from hell, from his eternal torture, for keeping the secret of their love.
Here omitting the "for" to me adds more depth and impact.

Please don't take offense, I actually quite enjoyed your portayal. The fact that I took time to re-read it several time to make sure of my thought means that i have like it more than any other piece I have seen yet.

Posted: Jul 6, 2007

Author Comment:

LOL! Thank you. And no I would never take offense when your just trying to help me out and I really appreciate it. I well have to go back threw and re write it with your suggestions and see if I like it better. And about the commas i'm only 15 and have never been able to understand where to place comma's and why. Once again thanks for helping me out here.

I loved the twist and just to let you know i think Rabbid Rabbit is a "BEEP!" You dont need to change anything its awsome.

Posted: Jul 9, 2007

Author Comment:

LOL! Thanks but really he or she was just trying to help.

I know you've heard it before but i love the twist.

Posted: Jul 9, 2007

Author Comment:

i well never get tired of hearing it.

I Agree with Dark Zodiac.

Posted: Jul 9, 2007

Author Comment:

So do I

I know you've heard this a lot, but I like the twist at the end. Love is a double edged sword, I suppose.

Posted: Jul 16, 2007

Author Comment:

Yes it can be.

Wow! Yeah, love the twist in the end! Hmmm, the guy betrays the girl???? No surprise there! Loved the imagery!

Posted: Oct 1, 2007

Author Comment:

LOL! But really the guy didnt betray the girl she betrayed him by telling god about their love affair.

Well thought out and a surprising ending. Loved the line : some... neither... some just were-it described so little yet, described so much

Posted: Oct 3, 2007

Author Comment:

Thank you i'm glad you liked it.

very good! I loved this, such a tale that's never really writen. keep up the great works~!

xXx Ashley xXx

Posted: Jan 22, 2008

Author Comment:

LOL! I'm glad you liked it so much. Thanks for commenting.

Yea I did like it =)Its kind of cliche in its own way. The ending was sad though, lovers torn apart by ones careless betryal.

Posted: Mar 12, 2008

Author Comment:

Thanks for reading it and thanks for commenting about it. I guess it is kind of sad...As for the ending well its kindof hard to explain but that title was going to be True Justice as I believe justice just really dont tend to be fair. Anyway once again thanks for reading it i hope you check out a bit more of my work.

Exceptional write, a little short for my liking, but incredible nonetheless. The flow could use a little tweeking; some commas are misplaced or just plain missing, and some semicolons as well. As for the story itself; it is, as I've already stated, incredible. The ending was dissatisfying, but at the same time--nay for that very reason, was very satisfying.

Posted: Apr 5, 2008

Author Comment:

LOL Ummm thanks.

:) I love the twist at the end, and most of all I adore your writing style. Brings the atmosphere to life.

Posted: Apr 14, 2008

Author Comment:

Thank you, I'm glad you liked it.

This was a very interesting story, and writting in a very compelling manner.

Posted: Apr 16, 2008

Author Comment:

Thank you.

WoW Tea, nice Job! I really do like this one.
not too long, and maby a lil too short, lol. but it was awsome...i loved it!

Posted: Jun 10, 2008

Author Comment:

^-^ I know its really short but i wrote it ten minutes before i had to go to class and then it became a really big hit. It was one the top list for well around three months and i had people buying copies and all that so *shrug*. Guess the length works.

Wow what an interesting story. I didnt expect it to end that way. I loved this story it was very good

Posted: Jun 15, 2008

Author Comment:

Thank you. I know it ends odd i think thats probably what makes it so good, well as good as it is

Wow that was really good I enjoyed it alot especially the ending.

Posted: Aug 14, 2008

Author Comment:

Thank you. ^-^ I'm glad you liked it



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