Dear American Public,
Change. I promised change for the American people. Well, I found out that a little bit more “Change” would be involved than I thought. To be quite honest, a little more “Change” than I was comfortable with. Now, as it is of grave importance to you all, I am writing this letter to inform all of you about the latest passing of events. It turns out that Osama bin Laden was not, in fact, dead. That he was, as I had suspected all along, a robot. A very dastardly, cunning, and extremist robot. However, having dumped him into the sea I dismissed the issue due to the fact that he would be hotwired by the water coursing through his circuits. This was not the case. He happens to be waterproof.
Now, I do not wish to alarm any of you, but Osama bin Laden v. 2.0 is much scarier, more dangerous, and more deadly than his predecessor. Before, he was using his advanced intelligence to strike at us with fear, and to lead his followers onwards. However, due to the fact that we made an all out attack upon him, he no longer withholds himself from action. We have decided to take swift justice and implement our super soldier program, as based upon the one seen in the widely successful summer blockbuster “Captain America”, into action.
I will be the first to tell you that this procedure is painful, scary, and causes your testicles to shrink to ungodly sizes. But it is effective, and brings about real change. I have adopted the name “Captain Obama” to match with the famous superhero. We are now using the process to forge an army of super soldiers, all men who are not afraid to loose their testicles for the greater good. And we shall stop Osama bin Laden v. 2.0 at all costs. We shall march forwards with our rippling muscles, impressive guns, and tiny testes, and we shall destroy this terrible threat to our society once and for all. I shall not quit, until his head is brought before you, dripping motor oil and exposing cables.
This I swear to you as Captain Obama, Commander in Chief of the new super soldier brigade. I wish you all well in this dark time to follow, and hope that you never loose sight of the American values of peace, liberty, justice, and freedom.
I salute you all,
Captain Barrack Obama
For CaptainObama (happy birthday!)