Hi,my name is...make that was...Brandon Leisure.And it was on this one June afternoon that I had called my wife Sarah on a pay phone and let her know that I was drunk off my ass and in need of someone to pick me up,only to have her blame me for getting her pregnant and every other bad thing that had happened in her life so far.
Of course,I did say that I was sorry and offered to help with anything.But that had only resulted in my own wife telling me to drop dead and that she had wanted nothing more to do with a guy who was always drunk and acting like a total shit head!
That had made me hang the phone up and walk away from the scene with a depressed look on my face.As a matter of fact,I had been so depressed that I had not noticed an out of control semi speeding right towards me.
And when that semi had hit the living shit out of me and noticed that I had actually been shoved right out of my own body,a bright light had suddenly appeared from out of nowhere and engulfed me right into it.
That had made me become so scared that I had screamed bloody murder,only to have me open my eyes and let out a sigh of relief because I was back in my own bedroom and figured that my own wife kicking me out of her life because I was totally drunk and resulting in my death was just a dream.
But after I had gotten out of the bed and gone into the bathroom to take a piss,I had looked in the bathroom mirror and noticed that an Amber Campisi lookalike was staring right at me.That was when I had laughed a little bit and splashed some water on my face.
But when I had noticed that the face of Playboy Magazine's February 2005 Playmate Of The Month was still staring at me,I had looked down at my belly and noticed that I had somehow gained some extra baggage in there.
And after I had lifted up the Cleveland Indians tee shirt and placed both of my hands on the swollen stomach,I had shockingly realized that I really had died and been placed inside Sarah's body which had made me look right up into the ceiling and say,"Hey,God!I know that what I had done in life was wrong!But this...!This is not right!I mean,this isn't what I had in mind when I was feeling sorry for my wife's discomfort and offered to help any way I could!"
That was when the phone had rang and I had picked it up and listened to some Cleveland police officer tell me that my 'husband' had died as a result with a head on collission with an out of control semi which had made me slam the phone down and yell at the top of my lungs,"THIS IS PUNISHMENT,ISN'T IT?!THIS IS PUNISHMENT FOR GETTING DRUNK OFF MY ASS EVERY DAMN FUCKING TIME,RIGHT?!IF THAT'S IT,THEN WHY SARAH?!SHE HAD DONE NOTHING WRONG!WHAT KIND OF FUCKING AFTERLIFE IS THIS?!"
And after I had gotten not one single answer,I had plopped myself down on the bed,placed a pillow over my eyes and started to cry.That was before I had came to realize that since I am now a widow with a baby to support,there are many things that I have to do in order to myself and my little bundle out of hock.
And of course,one of those things happens to be making sure that I stay away from all types of booze which was what I had done so far.The next thing that I had successfully done was look for a new job.I had walked into the offices of WNCX 98.5 FM and auditioned for them.
You see,while I was attending courses at Baldwin-Wallace College,I had discovered that I really am a natural behind the microphone.Now all you have to do is turn on the radio and listen to me as Brenda L. on 98.5 WNCX,Cleveland's Classic Rock.
Oh,and I had given birth to a beautiful baby girl that I had named 'Sarah'.I'm sorry about what I had done in my old life,Sarah.But I really do hereby promise you that I will keep on living a clean and sober life and make sure that our little cutie does the same.