“I am Steven the Barbarian and I have come to liberate 32nd Street!” The powerful proclamation echoed from building to building, and all eyes turned to the dominating warrior standing at the end of the road. He just stood gazing across pitiful terrain. His twenty-three hairs were perfects formed into a golden braid that sent shiver’s of lust through all the street’s women and fully half the men.
He took three powerful steps forward and street quaked under his intimidating bulk. A stunning 6’6” inch frame held muscles previous unseen in the sad little town. “Halt.” A voice rang out down the street. “And don’t shout, you loud mouthed fat bastard.”
“Who dare’s speak to me with such disrespect?” His very voice caused a fair maiden to shriek in ecstasy.
A shadowy figure appeared on a nearby rooftop, “I am the lord of this street. I am Emperor Marky Worm, now be gone.”
“Then it is you I shall destroy. Come down here and I shall end your reign with a single sing of my sword.”
“Ha ha ha,” the ancient emperor gave a cackling laugh. “You are not worthy of my attentions. First you must face my minions.” For no particular reason a woman screamed. “Melonius!” A lithe fighter emerged from the shadows. “The Edger!” From an alley came a vile slobbering buffoon. “And the Gomez.” A lonely wind filled the uncomfortable silence. “Well maybe later.”
“Very well then, this shouldn’t take long.” Steven the Barbarian moved forward as the crowd gathered. A fog began to form as the three combatants circled for position, but it had yet to be determined if was to be a cloud of positivity or negativity.
Suddenly The Edger babbled, “Steven?” The Barbarian tried to ignore the fool.
“Steven!?” Bits of spittle escaped the thing’s mouth.
“STEVEN!” Finally resistance gave way to anger.
“I want to fuck you.” The Edgar moved in like a two dollar whore chasing a Ten.
Without a thought Steven the Barbarian side stepped the advance and grabbed the Edger by the pants. He ripped hard tearing the cloth away. Using the slobbering beast’s momentum against him the warrior soon had the Edger pinned and as helpless as a sheep at a Longhorn’s pep rally. With practiced skill the Barbarian drove his spear of manliness deep into the creature’s guts.
Its eye bulged and a snaking tongue escaped his lips. As the Barbarian pulled back for his second thrust, the Edger could only cry out. “It hurts, but I like it!”
Steven stepping over the weeping lump of wounded but satisfied flesh and faced of with the murderous Malonius. “Chow chow!” He taunted. “See this is how it is.”
“Stop talking and just kill him, god damn it!” Emperor Marky Worm called down from above.
“Marky Marky Marky do the Marky worm,” Malonius sang. The Barbarian backed away; unsure how to proceed.
“Emperor, can I have a nickel before I kill this man.”
“Fuck you Malonius,” the dictator screamed.
“You say fuck him for a nickel?” Steve the Barbarian could not hide his astonishment.
“He’s too tough,” Malonius said. “I’m going to have me a fruity drink.” With that the warrior jumped in his brand new truck and left for the promised land of Malone, TX.
“Now Emperor, come down here and face me,” The barbarous bastion of sultry sensuality drew his giant sword.
“Ah but there is one more.”
Suddenly a terrible sound came from a darkened corner, as if a massive chain saw was sputtering to life. Cautiously Steven approached. Sword at the ready he slowly put one foot in front of the other. As he breached the door way the barbarian caught sight of The Gomez just as a second terrible roar pushed him back into the street.
Steve was rattled, but not beaten. He knew the secret weakness of The Gomez. Raising a horn to his lips he let blow a long bellowing call. Lightning sparkled across the sky and to the sound of show tunes a man on a rainbow surf board flew in from the North. “Hello Brad.” The Barbarian welcomed his friend.
“Is it? No it can’t be. It’s the Rainbow.” The Gomez mumbled from the shadow.
“Oh my,” Brad exclaimed. “Is that my Gommi Bear? Oh Gommi.”
Suddenly he burst from the shadows at a run. “I’m gonna get you.” He puffed three times hard. “I’m gonna get you. You’ll learn to listen to me.” The Gomez ran as Brad gave chase.
“Drat’s you fat bastard.” The Emperor exclaimed. “You’ve one this round but the battle has just begun.” Like a bad dream Emperor Marky Worm withdrew from the rooftop.
As the victorious Barbarian strolled down 32nd street, a bevy of gorgeous redheads surrounded him; wanton lust glowed in their eyes. “Oh Steven, what can we ever do to repay you.”
As lascivious thoughts rattled about his head, Steven couldn’t help thinking the battle to save 32nd street went just a little too easy. As if on cue, a malicious laugh came from just out of sight.
“What is that?” The hulking barbarian asked.
They giggled and shrugged at their secret, then spoke in unison. “It’s about to get freaky.”