Submitted: Jun 30, 2008
Reads: 62
Comments: 8
Likes: 3
The pain shot through my back as the breath was knocked out of me. I fell with a thud to the ground, twisting and turning in agony. It was all too much. The sound of a gunshot echoed in the distance. We had failed. All was lost. Trying to twist my head around, trying to turn to the light, to see my murderer before it was too late, I felt another tormenting stampkick in my back and heard a sickening crunch. A strange pain, like an implosion by my ribs sent fireworks to my brain. Then it all went dark.
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Comments:
Wow! I thought this story was written really well. It was a little scary though because I don't like the feeling of being killed. Anyway, you're a very good writer!
Posted: Jun 30, 2008
all right - you wanted to know what i thought, right? well i think its very good - though yes, it could pass for a story - its seems more like a clip from a story. i think you could create a phenomenal story thought with this simple paragraph. b/c at this point, i have so many questions.
who killed him/her? why? where is he/she? "we had failed" - failed at what? what was the mission? were they supposed to stop this person? moreover - who is "we"?
ha - i STRONGLY encourage you to write more because you do have talent. i can definately see lots of talent from just this paragraph. your word choice is great - and your sentence fluency is very nice. it comes together nicely and creates a great scene of action and suspense.
in fact, you did so well with it - that's why i'm dying to know more! lol i wish you had written more... this could be the prologue of a short story - or a flash back - or an event happening at that moment. i don't know the back story - and i guess i can use my imagination... but you've still set yourself up for an awesome story.
hoping you'll write more :)
take care ^^
Posted: Jul 1, 2008
I loved it too, but the last sentence was a little cliched. You could feel the pain, though. Stampkick is a good word.
Posted: Jul 1, 2008
this is so bloody and good i want more!
Posted: Jul 3, 2008
Ah, flash fiction. I liked it. I did expect there to be some kind of twist at the end. Little pieces like this work well with a surprise ending. You did go though!
Posted: Jul 6, 2008
this is really good, i totally loved it...you could feel all the pain
AWESOME WORK!!
xoxo
DOM!!!
XD
Posted: Jul 25, 2008
Blacklust
(not registered user)
Ah yes, flash fiction would have worked better. One giant twist at the end.
Perhaps as a short story this lacked the major details: character, setting, plot etc.
Either way, the imagery was good and satisfying.
Keep writing.
-Blacklust
Posted: Oct 8, 2008
I love it! Very powerful!
My only wish is that you wrote this in poetry format. That's what it sounds more like, not a short story. None the less it was fabulous.
L♥
Posted: Oct 26, 2008
