I hate my life. I cry sometimes. Wishing it away. Wishing I could stop the pain. The sorrow. The troubles. But it doesn’t work. Nothing works. My life took a turn for the worst after my brother died. We were close. Our family. We were the perfect family. My mom was always home. Happy. Never cried. Always had a smile on her face. She didn’t work. She was a housewife. My dad worked 5 days a week. From 9-4. And was always home on the weekends. He was always happy as well. My brother was a senior in High School and had just got accepted into Harvard. Everyone was so happy about it. Wherever we went we heard “Congratulations!”, “You must be so Proud!” and a lot of other things. He was the perfect student. I was too. Until the Accident. 2 months after he got the acceptance letter our parents bought him a car. Some kind of Porsche. I don’t know cars. He took me for a ride in it. He got it on a Saturday morning. After breakfast we went for the ride. He couldn’t wait to show his friends. He wasn’t driving fast. But around the 3rd corner from our house there was a group of little scout girls. They were walking across the street and were so focused on the red trolley carrying they’re cookies they forgot to watch the road. They stepped in front of the car just as we turned the corner. The trolley was stuck on the pavement and they were in the road trying to pull it off. As we rounded the corner and we saw them my brother swerved out of the way and hit a lamp post. And BAM! Just like that! The girls were hysterical. Screaming. My head had a shooting pain in it and I could feel blood dripping over my face. I looked out the front window and saw the lamp post was bended at a odd angle and hanging over the car. I looked to me left and saw Brendon. My brother. His face was already swollen and covered with blood. His head was laying at a odd angle on the steering wheel. I was so scared he was dead that I just started sobbing violently. I felt fine except for the sharp shooting pain in my head. I felt right above my right temple was a cut. It felt deep. It was about 7centimeters in length and 1 centimeter deep. It went right into my hairline. When Brendon heard me sobbing he moved. I looked back at him suddenly. “Brendon?” I asked. “Are you Alright? Can you hear me?” I leaned forward and touched his shoulder where it was soaking in blood. He opened his eyes into small slits. Which was all he could do since it was so swollen. He tried to move but couldn’t. His neck was broken and he was paralyzed. “I’m sorry Jessie.” He whispered and I barely heard him. “No, it wasn’t your fault. It was a accident.” I said and heard the sirens of a ambulance coming closer. “Listen. It’s a ambulance. Just hang on. They’ll be here now. Okay, big Bro? Just hang on.” I whispered while tears streamed down my eyes. “Okay, I promise.” he whispered just as his eyes closed and I was pulled out of the car by the paramedics. They last thing I saw before I fainted was him smile slightly and open his eyes again and whispering something I couldn’t hear, and then he blew out his last breath and I screamed and fainted.
Two years had passed since the accident and I haven’t cried for 8 months. It was difficult coming home after the accident. The car was disposed of and the insurance money was given to charity. I missed the funeral. It was they Tuesday after his death and I was still in the Hospital. My brain was a bit swollen and they wanted to monitor it and the cut on my forehead, I was let out the Friday. He always wanted to be buried on a Tuesday, “I was Born on a Tuesday and I will be buried on a Tuesday, Heck maybe I will even die on a Tuesday.” He used to say. 5months after his death mum and dad announced they were getting divorced. I burst out in tears and ran up to my room and didn’t come out for 2whole days. Mum and Dad got scared and thought something had happened to me since I didn’t respond to their pleas and question. They broke down my bedroom door to find me sleeping with my headphones on listening to Meatloaf’s music. I kinda thought it was funny until they told me I wouldn’t be getting back my bedroom door for 3weeks. I was seriously pissed then. I mean try to tell a 16year old girl 5months after the death of her brother you were getting divorced and she can’t have a bedroom door for 3weeks! That tends to piss her off.
The cut on my forehead left a mark. I like it, it reminds me of him. Everyone else hates it and can’t stop staring at it. Sometimes I feel like saying “Hellllloooo! My eyes are down here, asshole.” But I stop myself each time. 8months ago my mom told me she thinks I should go for plastic surgery and have the scar removed. I told her she was nuts and I love my scar. And that it reminded me of Brendon. I believe my exact words were – “Holy crap are you nuts! I happen to not only like it but love it! It reminds me of him, you know, Brendon, your son!?! This new stupid rule of yours makes me sick! You never mention him. Were not allowed to say his name! Why?! Because it hurts? Yeah well, you have no idea what it feels like everyday for me. I saw him die. I saw him blow out his last breath. I see it over and over in my head every-damn-day. And you think you got it bad. I can’t wait till I’m 18 so I can get the hell out of here. And I’m keeping MY scar whether you like it or not!” My mum burst out in tears as I ran out the house and went for a walk. As I walked passed the place where the accident happened I saw it happen all over again and could hear my brother saying “Okay, I promise.” And see that slight smile when I was pulled out the car. And till this day I still wonder what he’s last words were, the ones he said as I was pulled out of the car, the ones I didn’t hear.
I think about it everyday. Those words. Trying to figure out what he said. I replay it over and over in my head to figure out if I can read his lips. If maybe I did hear it but didn’t realize. But I just see the blood, the smile, the pain in his eyes, his lips moved as he whispered, his last breath, the light going out of his eyes and my scream. That’s all I get each and every time I replay it in my head.
As I shook myself and walked away from the scene of the accident that day I promised myself something. That I was never going to cry again. About anything. And now, 8months later, I still haven’t cried. Each time I wanted to cry I thought about the promise and I haven’t wanted to cry in 5 months. The first 3months were though. But now I have changed. Now I am a new Jessie Lee Armstrong. The old one, Jessica, with the long white-blond hair and sensitive soul with the soft and warm sky blue eyes is dead. I think she went into a coma when Brendon died, and then 8months ago she died and a new girl was put in her body. One that knew all her memories, thoughts and secrets. And apparently the new girl, Jessie, didn’t like Jessica’s look. So she changed it. Jessie now wears 2earrings in each ear, has a bellybutton ring, a nose ring, tongue ring and is considering getting her left eye pierced. She also has 3 tattoo’s, a tribal on her lower back, a red rose on her left wrist and a snake around the letter “J” on her right shoulder. She also cut of Jessica’s beautiful white-blond hair and replaced it with a black pixie bob. And she of course likes to wear low V-neck tops and (very) short skirts and high heel black leather boots (her ultimate favorite). And her soft, warm eyes are now a darker, cold and hard sky blue. Her parents hate the new look but everyone else loves it. And they like the new Jessie better. They now call the old one “drab”, “boring” and “not cool”. Although she was back then, just as she is now, The Leader of the “A” list at school. She got a Black convertible Lotus Elise on her 18th birthday, even thought her parents are scared of what might happen if she drives it. She has had it for 3 months now and it still doesn’t have even a scratch on it, she even takes pride in it sometimes that she can have a car longer that her big brother. She loves that car.
After her parent’s divorced she was broken. Dad moved away, mom got a job, and life fell apart. She hasn’t seen her father in 7months now and it doesn’t bother her, he got remarried to a blond bimbo named Charlene 9months ago and they are trying to have a baby. Her mother got a job and works from 8-7 and she hardly ever sees her, her mother doesn’t even have a love life anymore. Brendon’s room was only emptied 6weeks ago and she asked he mother if she could have it. Her mom said yes but it had to be painted first. The room was painted Dark Brown and is now hers. Jessie’s old room is now a guest bedroom although they all know there is never going to be a guest. She now also has her own bathroom, since with no guest, no one to share the bathroom with. Her life was now perfect!
Jessie stood by her bedroom window looking out at the street and of course, her car. I turned my head and looked at the digital clock hanging directly opposed my bed, 17:06pm. My mom would be back from work in less than an hour, she always worked only till 6 on a Friday. Her work was only 5blocks away so it took her less than 10minutes to get home. I wonder if I can get to Alexis’s house and back in enough time to be home when she gets back. Alexis is my best friend and lives on the street where the accident happened. That’s how we met, her house was the corner house where the accident happened. She felt bad and came to visit me in the hospital a few times and she totally accepted me when I completely changed 8months ago. She was with me the whole time I was transforming from Jessica to Jessie. I think I can make it. I turned around and walked over to my full length mirror to check if everything was perfect. I looked at the strapless silver tight top I was wearing, looked at my tight black skinny jeans, Black leather high heeled boots, Black Pixie bob hair and Make-up. Perfect! I turned to pick up my Shiny New Black leather Gucci Handbag beside the mirror when I accidently knocked over a glass of water onto my wooden floor.
“Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.” I said as I quickly put down the handbag and grab my towel laying on my desk chair. Luckily the glass didn’t break but the water was everywhere. As I fell to my knees to clean up the mess I saw the weirdest thing and sat frozen in place. The water was disappearing between the floorboards! I frowned and put down the towel, got up, ran downstairs, got a knife, ran back upstairs and fell back on my knees to where all the water had disappeared into the floor. I put the knife between two floorboards and lifted the one up. Under the floorboards was a old looking iron box. There was a new lock on it. Confused I reached out with shaking hands and lifted up the box and put in on the towel. The disappearing water now forgotten. I looked around my room frowning. I need a key I thought and looked back at the box. “Brendon, help me. I need to know what is in this box. Where is the key?” I whispered. The trip I was going to take to Alexis was forgotten too. I suddenly remembered while we were packing up his room we found a key and threw it in a kitchen drawer. I got up and ran back down the stairs to the kitchen almost tripping over our big fat tabby cat, Star.
“Yeesh Star! Move!” I yelled and ran further down the hall until I reached the kitchen. I pulled out the top kitchen drawer, nope not in there, the second one, not in there either, the third one, YES!
“Got it!” I said to myself and ran back up to my room.
When I got to my bedroom door I accidently ran into it but kept going. When I reached the box again I fell to my knees and kept repeating to myself “Please work, please work, Please work” until the key fit and I unlocked it. Shaking I took of the lock and slowly opened the box. I don’t know what I expected to find but it wasn’t this. Inside was a letter. It wasn’t in a envelope anymore but just the letter itself. I frowned while I picked it up and sat back to rest my back against my Double Bed. I opened the letter and prayed that Brendon would forgive me for invading his privacy and that it wasn’t a love letter from some girl. Then I read in Beautiful handwriting.
I know you said not to write to this address but I was hoping it would get to you faster this way and I hope it did. Things are difficult on this side and people are starting to get worried. The food is running out and it’s getting really cold. Here isn’t enough blankets for everyone and we want you to send us some things if you can. Please. Little Meredith keeps asking for you. She trusts you, Brendon. Don’t let her down. Lady D is sick and she can’t work anymore and people are saying you left and won’t come back again. Lady D doesn’t know if she can take care of Meredith anymore and you know Meredith doesn’t like anyone but you. The nurses say Lady D has Pancreatic Cancer and has 2-3 years left to live since it is still very small and was detected at the very beginning. Meredith doesn’t know yet. Lady D doesn’t want to tell her either. But Lady D is getting worse by the day. The found the cancer 9days ago and she is curling with pain now. Meredith is only allowed to see her when she is not in pain which is so little time. Meredith is scared and I understand, but how do you tell a 6year old her mother is dying? It pains me to see her like this and everyone ignores her since they don’t know what to say. Lady D doesn’t come out of her house anymore. And Meredith is coming out less too. Come Brendon, Please, we all beg of you… Nobody has been here for 5weeks. Life is very hard here. We need Help. I don’t know what else to say. I hope everything is going good with you. Please contact soon. Oh, and before I forget. The man that brings the mail for me says he won’t be delivering for me anymore and is moving far far away. I will put the new address below. Please come soon. Or at least send your men.
Hugs and Love
West side lake
Xxx Be Safe xxx
I looked up from the letter and was so confused my head was spinning. Tracy? Meredith? Lady D? His Men? West Side Lake? Seamville? Juliana’s? Be Safe? What is going on and what does this letter mean?
I lay back my head and closed my eyes. “What does this mean Brendon? Tell me Please?” I whispered.
“Jessica?! Are you home?” I heard my mother yell from downstairs.
I looked up at the clock, 18:12pm. Already more than an hour had passed.
“Jessie?!” Mom yelled again.
“Coming!” I yelled and jumped up and quickly put the floorboard back in place as I stuffed the rest of the things under my bed. I got up and stood before the mirror again. I look okay, not fine, just okay. Kinda pale, but okay. I turned and walked out my bedroom and down the stairs.
“Lets go face mum.” I thought and turned towards the kitchen where I could hear the kettle boiling and my mom rummaging through the fridge. I walked through the kitchen doorway to find my mom not alone. There were a 4 guys with her. 4 hot guys. I froze in the doorway and looked from one face to another, then another, then another and another and finally my mother. The guys were all smiling and looking me up and down. I waved awkwardly.
“Hi Jess. This is Ricky.” My mom said pointing to the hottest of the guys. He about little more than 6ft. and had soft brown hair that every once in a while he had to brush out of his eyes and had emerald green eyes and a lot of biceps.
“Hey! Jessica, right?” He said and I almost fainted at the sound of his voice. IT’S AMAZING!!!
“Hi. Call me Jessie.” I said and smiled politely.
“And this is James” my mom said and pointed at another hot guy. He had short cut blond hair, it was about 1cm long and had light blue eyes and was a few centimeters shorter than Ricky.
“Hello.” James said stiffly and didn’t smile.
“Hey.” I said and smiled again.
“And Shane.” Mom pointed at another. This one looked a lot like James only his hair was longer and shaggy. I think their brothers.
“Hi.” I said and smiled. Again.
“Heya!” He said brightly and smiled HUGE!
“And last is Johnny.” Said mom while pouring 6glasses of Orange Juice.
“Hello.” I said. Johnny was the shortest, although only by a few centimeters. He had long black hair that he carried in low ponytail and Dark Chocolate Brown eyes. He was cute and looked young. He looked about 16 and the other three about 20.
“Hi Jessie.” Johnny said with a slight smile. He had a sad look in his eyes.
“You’re probably wondering who they are and what they are doing here. Well, they used to be friends with your brother. I met Ricky, James and Shane a few times. I found them in the supermarket, their traveling and wanted to stop here and stay for a while. And they haven’t got a place to stay yet so I invited them to stay here for a while.” My mom said and shocked me totally.
“Yeah. We’ll only be staying for about 2 – 3 weeks.” Ricky said and smiled at me.
My mom gave them each their glass of juice. “Yep. Hope you don’t mind. Two of them will be staying in the guest room and two will have to take the couch. But don’t worry boys, the couches are very comfortably.” My mom said and smiled at them again. She looks happy I thought. She was wearing faded jeans and a green Tank top. Her shoulder length blond hair was hanging loose around her shoulders. She really looked happy, I haven’t seen her like this in 2 years. Maybe it was because now she had a few of Brendon’s friends and maybe he felt alive to her a little.
My mom tried to hand me a glass of juice as well but I refused. She frowned at me and they all looked at me confused.
“I’m on my way to Alexis. She called and wanted to see me. I don’t how long I will take so don’t hold out dinner for me and don’t wait up. And uhm, it was nice meeting you guys and I don’t mind that you’re staying. Bye.” I said as I backed out of the kitchen and turned towards the stairs to go get my purse and keys. Why did I lie? I thought suddenly. I told them Alexis had called. But she hadn’t. Why didn’t I just say I was going for some fresh air. I’m allowed to do that, I’m 18.
When I got to my room I grabbed a jean jacked and my purse and car keys. When I was about to exit the room I changed my mind and turned to get the letter. I don’t know why, I just did. On my way down I was putting on my jacket and saw the guys staring at me as I passed the kitchen doorway. My mother was busy making dinner and had her back to me. When I got outside I stopped first and took a deep breath. I walked to my car and got in. I took a deep breath to smell the leather interior. I love the smell of it. I started the car and headed towards Alexis’s house but for some weird reason I kept going till I was on the other side of town and at the beach. Before I got out of the car I looked at the clock on the dash. 18:49pm. I took of my boots and got out of the car. I love the beach and come here a lot. I walked a little while and then sat down on the ground, took out the letter and read it a few times trying to figure out what it meant.
“Who are you?” I said to the letter and was nearly shocked to death when a voice spoke behind me.
“Me? Last I checked I was your best friend.” Alexis said with a huge grin as she sat down beside me wearing a red bikini with a yellow sundress over it, her wavy dark brown hair loose around her shoulders.
“Alexis. Hi. What are you doing at the beach at almost 7pm and didn’t even ask me to come with?” I asked while putting on a fake hurt face.
“I decided I hate you and don’t want to be friends anymore. And that is why I didn’t invite you to come with me.” Alexis said smiling slightly.
“Oh shut up!” I said and we both started laughing.
“I would never hate you Jessie. And the real reason I am here is I had a fight with my dad and kinda ran away from home. I wanted to clear my head before I came to your house to BEG you to take me in for a couple of days. And if you don’t want to share your room with me I will use the guest one! Please, please, please.” Alexis said as she suddenly sat up on her knees beside me and looked at me with gray puppy dog eyes.
“Of course you can stay with me. That is if you want to share a house with 4 hot guys, me and my mom. Oh, and the guest room is occupied and so are 2 of the couches.” I said and looked out at the waves.
“Wait, what!?!” Alexis said as she sat back down. “Of course I want to live with 4 hot guys! Tell me more!” Now she was practically jumping up and down with excitement.
“Well, apparently they were friends of Brendon and my mother has met 3 of them before and they are on a trip and needed a place to stay so my mom ordered them to stay with us.” I explained.
“Okay. Let’s go. I wanna meet em. Now! I can use some of your clothes since I am not going home for at least 5 days.” Alexis said and pulled me to my feet.
“What’s the rush? And why 5 days?” I said as we headed back to my car.
“The rush is I am freezing. Since you haven’t noticed its 7pm and where are at the beach in New York City on a August night. Plus I am wearing a two piece bikini and sundress and no shoes. And on the other question, my dad’s girlfriend will be staying for 5 days. She arrived today.” Alexis said as we got in my car.
The drive home was a silent one. We were each in our own thought. When we got to the house and was about to get out of the car Alexis turned around and looked at me.
“BTW, what letter was that you were reading at the beach and why were you talking to it?” Alexis asked as I saw Ricky coming out the front door.
“Not now. I’ll tell you later.” I said and got out of the car.
Alexis spotted Ricky and turned to me and mouth “He is Hot!” to me and turned back to face him with a huge smile.
“Hey. Ricky this is Alexis. Alexis this is Ricky.” I introduced them and walked into the house as I heard them say Hi to each other. I heard Alexis behind me as turned into the kitchen. I could hear the T.V playing in the living room and it sounded like they were watching Wedding Crashers. I walked over to the fridge and took out 2 cans of soda and handed one to Alexis as I left the Kitchen and walked into the living room. Yip, Wedding Crashers were playing on the screen. They all looked up from the screen except for James. I don’t like him. Alexis came up behind me.
“Hey Mrs. Armstrong!” Alexis said brightly and smiled hugely while eyeing the guys up and down.
“Hello Alexis. Jessie. That was fast. Alexis this is James, Johnny and Shane. And Ricky is somewhere in the house.” My mom said with a warm smile.
“I already met Ricky, he’s outside. And it’s nice to meet you guys.” Alexis said warmly and opened her soda. My mom nodded to her response and all the eyes went back on the screen.
“Hey mom. Is it okay if Alexis stays here for a few days?” I asked
“Of course, you can stay as long as you like, Lexi.” My mom said without looking up.
“Thanks.” Alexis said as we went upstairs to my room.