What happens when the thing you lived for was destroyed? What do with yourself when your fairytale gets shattered? If your prince leaves you lying on the dirty ground? If that one spark of magic dies…
My magic died in the summer of 2009 when I was only 14. But my story starts long before that, my story starts in the summer of 2008. It might not sound like much, “A year can’t do much”, you say. It did enough to make me write this story. It did enough to destroy my faith in love completely. It did enough to destroy my life completely.
It’s the first day of grade 8. I’ve been home schooled all my life, so I’m rather nervous about my first day of school. Can you believe that I, Alison Macrige, am about to start a new life? My parents are rich. They see it as a blessing, but it’s a curse. They called me a princess, their princess. They said I was precious and so they hid my in a room for protection. I have lived the past 12 years of my life in a room cut of from the world. I couldn’t take it anymore, so I begged. They warned me that life was cruel, but I wouldn’t listen. I wanted to get out and now I’m here. I shiver when I think about my previous life, but that’s behind me now.
I get out of the car. Wave goodbye to my mum. She looks worried. Real life can’t be that bad, can it? I step unto the side walk and am immediately swept up by the rapid flowing river of loud and hasty students. Confusion hits my stomach and I start to gag. Doubt settles in my mind. No stopping now though. The river starts slowing and eventually comes to almost a standstill in a dam brimming with eager students. The feeling of drowning intensifies. I’m hemmed in die four walls of classrooms. A strong hand settles on my shoulder. I fling myself around and am confronted by a tall boy. “You look lost.” he says as he plucks me from the stream. “Hi, I’m Brad.” he says with a dazzling smile. My knees turn to jelly and I fall. Gosh! I’m so firkin stupid! But before I hit the ground he catches me again. “You okay?” he asks, looking truly worried. Looking at his face when he said that, I knew I had found my magic.
It’s one month since I started school. It’s way harder than I though it would be. Teachers push hard and I haven’t adjusted to all the noise, so I get distracted easily. Breaks are my little bits of heaven on earth, when I see Brad. I don’t think he knows I like him. I just hang out with him and the crowd. There’s James and Alley(the twins) and Andre and Lewellyn. At least I have my own friends. They are Jack and Alice. Jack is a gay grade 9 and Alice is my age. We are inseparable. So here I’m sitting daydreaming about Brad when I notice Jack looking at me. “Why are you smiling at me like that?” I ask. “Sooner or later you’re going to have to tell him.” he says mischievously. “Who… Who do you mean?” I turn bright red but I keep my composure and quote a line “In Camera” a play we are doing. “You know perfectly well who we mean. That fellow with the pretty face.” Says Alice behind me, obviously catching on and quoting her own line. “Oh him! I don’t know…” I finish altering one of my lines again. ‘Well, you’ll have to tell him soon.” Says Jack. I look him questioning, he’s not finished yet. “If he gets stolen you’ll be sad forever.” He says, very morbid this time. My mind flashes on my 17 year old hunk. His dark hair. His piercing emerald eyes. His well sculpted body. The way he wears those jeans that fit so tight. And of course the smile that still makes my knees go weak. The thought of loosing him is too heavy to bear. “Then I guess it’s time.” I say. That afternoon I write a letter declaring my feelings.
I’ll give it to him tomorrow. I think as I fall asleep. That night I had a nightmare that Brad wanted to hurt me. I should have listened to dreams.
Its nine months since I started school, eight months since I told Brad I loved him and four months since our first date. After I gave him the letter, things became awkward whenever we were in the same room. He’d avoid my eyes. Then he disappeared for a month. I knew he was at school, I just never saw him. The tree where we used to hang out was barren, dry and alone. Jack and Alice were all that kept me from suicide. Jack met this guy called Leo and that was enough of a distraction. I liked not being the centre of attention. So we hooked up Jack and Leo and now Leo’s one of our bunch. He’s not used to us randomly quoting drama pieces and just running with it yet, but he enjoys watching. Leo is taller than Jack and he loves holding on to Jack. It’s always so cute seeing them, Leo’s always pulling Jack close and making him blush. Jack never resists… It’s strange, I always thought a kiss was a sign of love but Jack and Leo never kiss. There just happy being with each other. Anyway, they helped me forget until one day (four months after I told Brad and four months before now) he came up to me. My heart still ached when I thought of him, but I’d learned to ignore it. He got onto one knee gave me a rose and asked me out and the rest was history. Tomorrow we’re going to a school dance together. I already have a dress and shoes. Jack, Leo and Alice have come to help me get ready. “You’ll look like a princess!” Alice said. She’s obsessed with fantasy and loves anything magic. Paramour plays loudly over the Hi-Fi, we all sing along. Suddenly Leo pulls me upright, “Got to teach you how to dance.” he says. I can see why Jack likes him so much. He’s also beautiful, tall and blond and you can feel his muscles. I see Jack giving me jealous looks as we twirl around my cluttered room. I wink and stand closer to Leo. Jack turns bright red. Alice laughs at it all. They make my world perfect! That night I dream that Brad and I are dancing. He pulls me closer, but not lovingly, menacingly. Hard. He’s crushing me, I can’t breath. All the time there’s this sick smile on his face while he’s killing me. Destroying me. I should have listened to dreams!
A year flies past so quickly when you have what fills the hours. Love and happiness. My marks are great, school is great. Everything is great. Alice got a boyfriend in another school. He’s a punk but he turns soft whenever she’s around. I don’t understand these nightmares I’m having about Brad, at the movies then a pair of strong arms hugs me from around. “Hey baby.” A voice whispers in my ear. I recognise the voice immediately and squeal as he breathes down my ear. I’m so sensitive. He takes my hand and leads me over to the counter. He books tickets for a thriller. I hate thrillers, but the thought of him next to me was great. It didn’t take the movie long to drive me to Brad’s chest. I was totally freaked out. But his warm body, solid underneath me, his heart beating regularly and his arms around me calming me down. I’m happy just being there. The movie had a creepy end. The guy killed his girlfriend and then himself. That scared me a bit, but I forgot about it when we met up with Jack, Leo, Alice and Dean (her boyfriend) for ice-cream. We had so much fun. As usual I couldn’t help notice how Jack was permanently held in Leo’s arms. It mad me smile. I was really happy for them. Dean was still very awkward around us, Alice says he’s a homophobe. I’m so glad Brad isn’t. It would ruin everything. I slurp down my banana flavoured milkshake and then steal a few bites of ice-cream from Brad. For some reason the way he looks at me just makes the ice-cream sweater. After that we just walked around in the mall, Leo, Jack, Alice and I freaking out over shoes and Brad and Dean just walking behind us chatting. Soon they all start disappearing in couples. First Dean and Alice. Then Leo and Jack. Now it’s just Brad and me. He takes me to a bench outside. Looking into my eyes he says, “I had a great time today.” I smile, turn red and mumble “Thanks.” He pulls up my chin and kisses me softly. Fireworks explode in my head. How could anything be more perfect? That night I dreamt of sitting in the bathroom. I have party clothes on, but my skirt is ripped and my top loose. The moonlight flashes on a blade on my wrist. I hear myself whispering, “Why, Brad?” Then with a flick of a wrist I see red…
I should have listened to dreams!!!
Then that fateful day can. Exactly a year and a half since we met. It was Brad’s birthday party. I had made ready for a wonderful evening. I had worn a skirt and white button top with puffy sleeves. The party was a lot of fun. Everyone danced together and the snacks and drinks were great. Brad loved my present (a model aeroplane) and couldn’t wait to try it out. Everything was perfect until twelve ‘o clock came…
I’m sitting here at the side of the dance floor watching Alice head bang to some metal. She’s alone now. She dumped Dean when she found out he cheated on her. Jack and Leo are dancing together, hopping on the beat. Those two are meant for each other. I feel a hand tugging at mine. It’s Brad. “Hey, you want to come join us in the lounge?” he asks. I don’t really, the smokers are there, but I go anyway. There are a few other kids enjoying themselves. One girl is straddling a boy. I get shivers. It disgusts me how she’s sucking his face. We sit down. One of the kids passes me a cigarette. I pretend to take a puff and throw it away. It’s as if there was a unspoken agreement, because everyone starts leaving. Soon it’s just me and Brad. “Did you like your present?” I ask him. “Yeah” he says, reeking of alcohol. “But I want another one from you.” he says. I look at him questioningly, not saying anything. He stumbles a bit, but reaches the door. He locks it. Alarm bells go off in my head as he stuffs the key in his pocket. “What do you want Brad?” I ask, my voice shaking. “I want you.” he says, slurring the words together. “You’re drunk.” I say as I put distance between myself and Brad. He laughs a cold and harsh sound. I have nowhere to run. My heart is working overtime. Within seconds he closes the gap. “It’s my birthday.” He whispers with a sick voice in my ear, “And on my birthday I get what I want.” He rips open my shirt and cups one of my boobs in his hands. I kick him off me and run to the door. I jerk it, scream, but to no avail. He laughs again. “No-one will hear you. You’re mine now.” He says as he grabs my hair and pulls me toward him. He rips my skirt and throws me on the couch. Then he loosens those pants that were previously so hot. They drop to the floor, soon join by his underwear. I fight. I resist but it’s no use. He overpowers me. Shoves me down on the couch. I give up and let him have his way with me. It hurts. I just lie there, like a rag doll. He finishes up. I hear him getting redressed. The door unlocks and he leaves. I feel so dirty. I feel disgusting. I feel dead.
So now I’m sitting here on my bed. My skirt torn and my shirt dirty. My magic dead. I will defy dreams. I will not go that way. My cell phone beeps. It’s another message from Jack. “Where are you? I’m worried!” it says. I guess I’d better tell him… “I’m home. It’s okay. Tell Alice I said goodbye.” I reply. Immediately another beep. “What do you mean?” I leave it. I just sit there thinking what I’m about to do. How could I ever tell Alice, Jack, Leo or my parents? I couldn’t do that to them. I couldn’t dirty them as well. My phone beeps again. It’s Jack. “I’m coming over right now. Leo and Alice are with me. Don’t do anything stupid.” My eyes tear up. They love me. Even though I’m dirty. I don’t deserve them. I don’t deserve anything. I don’t deserve to live. I take the sleeping pills my gran uses from the drawer. I leave a note on the fridge. “I’m sorry. I couldn’t dirty you anymore.” I get myself a glass of water. Take Five or Six sleeping pills. I’m not sure. I swallow them quickly. Immediately I start feeling drowsy. I close my eyes and lay down on the pillow. “I won’t dirty you anymore.” I say as a wave of darkness overwhelms me.