In the darkness of the night she wakes up out a horrible dream. Silence! Silence! Silence!. She screams out loud in her overwhelming, perplexed, boxed in mind. Her sanity is gone now and there is nothing there but her unsatisfied appetite for love. She looks deeply at her young beautiful baby girl and all she can do is cry, yowl and sobs half-heartedly. She weeps, she weeps hoping that someone will hear her sorrow and come to her rescue on a noble steed, armoured, with a metal sword willingly ready to fight her fears and insecurities away.
She opens an empty book, just a replica of her mind, there is nothing there. She puts the blue ink on the empty white page and watches the ink take over the purity of the page. The first thing she wrote was "Today I shall write a diary and I shall call it the dairy of a mad woman".
She wakes up to the silence again, another unfulfilling day in New York. She turns slightly to her left in search of her husband John, she feels the emptiness between the sheets. The cold glass breaks and it suddenly came to her 'I am alone' and then her young one cries for her attention. She gets up and looks out the window at the statue of liberty for a faint moment she thought it was the great London tower. The snow fell down like rain, just looking at it made her tremble like an earth quake. The mad woman makes her way to the cradle where she picks up her daughter. "It was like looking in the mirror, I saw myself and that's when I became petrified at what I discovered, she's exactly like me, and she will live a life exactly like mine. My beautiful Amanda, My beautiful baby girl". She could hardly look at her because her pain burns like fire into her heart, it was like been stabbed several times continuously. She hushed her baby 'Hush, Hush'. She hums the most beautiful song to her child, the one she loved.
"My little girl, My little star from above
My sweet angel the one I love
My lovely baby, oh I love thee
Like a rainbow up above"
She stilled carried on crying like a demonic laughter to her hear, This unknown lady sheds a tear. A tear for her baby, A tear for life, a tear for wanting a life without pain. She cannot help but feel this way. She looks at her child and sees herself. "Her eyes so big like plums, like mine, Her nose as cute as a button, like mine, her lips as red as apples, like mine and a magnetic smile that pulls my heart closer to her."
Today I took Amanda out for a walk to the park.
It was so good to feel the wind against my skin
And to see the trees waving to me has I walked by.
The scent of freedom was so stunning .
I sat on the park bench trying to enjoy the sweet sound surrounding me.
I sat watching the children play with their fathers and can't help
To feel bad for Amanda knowing that she would never
Have that manly figure in her life to comfort her and love her has much as I do.
She's my world and if anything happens to her I would not help but to blame
My self. Protecting my daughter is what I live for and nothing else.
I looked at her and her eyes reminded me of my beautiful and affectionate mother, Mary ann. Lee, she loved me and everyday passes I think about her and miss her so much. She was a kind and loving towards my sister Charmed and I. She was even nice to my wicked and monstrous father Manny Lee. He gave her no reason why she should love him, he was cruel and terrible towards Me, Charm and Mother. Thankfully she's left him now.
Has I sat there on the park bench remembering that horrible time in my life,
My mind drifted away to another world, back to when I was a little girl
I found my self in a scary dark cave again. Drip, Drip! The sound of water dripping from somewhere deep inside the cave sends shivers down my spine.
Hello! Hello!, I called out in search of safety but no one answered.
Bang! Bang! Bang! A loud Bang came from out of no where, Thump! Thump! Thump! My heart Thumped with deep terror.
My mind drifted back to the present, I heard Amanda's cry for hunger, I looked over into her pushchair with proud ness written all over my face.
I picked her up into my arms and watched her face beam into a big smile
And I felt my heart growing and growing.
She cried for the comfort of her bottle.
"Hush Amanda Hush!"
To see her face filled with joy when she got the bottle
Was amazing, her little arms reaching for the stars and her legs tucked
Tightly into her blanket.
Later on that day, as I was about to put Amanda to bed, she said the most
Amazing thing to me "Mommy" My heart filled with joy and love, My face was like an eclipse , for the first time in a very long time I smiled. "Mommy"
My little ray of sunshine, My little butterfly, Mummy's little baby girl.
I tucked her in tightly in to her bed and said "Don't let the bed bugs bite"
I gave her the biggest brightest kiss and went off to bed.
Has I laid down to sleep, I began to wonder about what life would have been like with John here beside me, raising our little gift from god together, he would have loved her has much as I do. He was a charming and godly man, I gave up everything to be with him even the comfort of my home. I left behind all that was important to me because of my love for him. He was a rough diamond that's one of the reasons why I fell in love with him, from the first time I looked into his deep blue eyes I felt loved and wanted, his eyes gave me comfort and warmth that my father didn't give me when I was growing up. Unlike my father I knew he loved me and cared for me, but not for long.
Another harrowing intolerable day. She turns slightly to the side in search of John again. But then she realised that he wasn't there and he will not be coming back. But that day was another day. Then suddenly her heart skipped a beat and she noticed that Amanda wasn't crying, she began to panic unaware. Her eyes popped out of her head and her heart thumps so loud that it was as if she could hear it, like a drum beating. This woman has lost her mind, she runs around the house like an insane maniac on crack in search of her child. "AMANDA!" she screams terrified at the thought that had accure in her unstable mind. She dropped to the floor and tears flowed down her eyes like the river Nile. "Where are you? Where are you?" she shouted with anxiety. She cannot find her one and only child, the only things that keeps her together, the only thing that stops her from going into a psychiatric mess. What a state she's in. she's lost it. She screams like an alarm going off on a car. The mad woman gets up off the floor rapidly and rushed up to Amanda's room, and took a second look but Amanda wasn't there. "Where are you?". she messes up the room and turns the cot upside down. She throws her heavy weight onto the floor again. She sweats and shakes uncontrollable like a broken washing machine. This woman has lost her soul, This woman is now a mad woman, she's insane. For a few seconds she bawled on the floor and then hurried illogically to the telephone she dialled 999.
she shouted with overpowering pain down the phone
"My baby, My baby is missing"
She cried and it felt like her heart had stop for a slight moment.
A while later the police was there rapidly, with the loud sound, that sounded exactly like what was going on in her head. She opened the door and they stood there, watching the mad woman . A man with broad muscular shoulders in uniform and a woman with long curly hair tide up. They could tell that she was loopy. They entered uninvited. The lady goes out of her head, she screams and curses out "God of mighty, why me?, why me?", the cops told her to calm down, but she couldn't do so. "My baby is missing" she cries out, "My baby is gone". The cops holds her and tells her it's going to be alright. She cried and cried. They asked her what had happened and she shouted "Weren't you listening?", she curses out loud and breaths heavily. Her eyes exploded and her teeth grinded. The mad woman cricks her finger and clutches them together tightly. Her temper and hurt takes her over and she has lost every bit of good sense.
"What's your baby's name" They asked her.
"Amanda, Amanda Pickle"
"What does she look like?"
She couldn't help but weep, sob and snivel.
"She's nine months old, she has black wavy hair,
A big bright smile, brown eyes"
She breaks down into a big sheer tragedy.
After the police left she turned to her dairy.
I feel so lost, what am I to do? Where is my baby
I miss her already, her eyes that glimmer like a ruby every time I pick her up.
Her smile so vibrant and alluring. Her soft velvet skin and cute button nose.
I miss everything about her.
The poor woman!, with a mind so dark, light cannot escape it's surface. She walks up and down the room fretting and fussing. She stares into the mirror at the unidentified, mysterious, mad woman starring back at her. She pinches her tight pale skin and watches it go back into place. The big bags around her eyes are becoming less and less defined by the minute. She misses her baby and needs someone to tell her that she's well and everything is going to be perfect. There was a lost place In her mind that took over and told her to call her mother for reassurance and love. She picks up the phone and dialled the number that she feared to dial for all these years. Ring Ring Ring, she awaits the answer.
"Hello" a deep and ferocious voice answered. She knew that it was her father, she was frightened out of her mind even more than she was.
"Hello" her heart beats loudly like thunder.
She quickly hangs up the phone. Even years now she is still afraid of him, the things he use to do to her drove her insane.
The poor woman is in distress. She's still waiting for the armoured knight to come and sweep her off her feet and save the day. Knock, Knock, Knock.
She jumps up anxiously in suspense, hoping that It's one of the police with Amanda on his side. She rapidly rushes to the door only to be disappointed.
It was the same police, with broad muscular shoulders and a horrible frown on his face. She opens the door and he enters unsolicited. He looks at her has if she was crazy. "did you find her officer?" she asked nervously and eagerly awaiting the answer.
He went silent for a few seconds.
"we have reasons to believe that you haven't got a child".
Her face exploded like an erupting volcano.
"What are you talking about?" she shouted contemptibly
"WHAT!, My baby is real, you think I'm crazy.
You should be out there looking for her"
She grabs his big brawny arms and heaves on it.
He pulls away from her.
"Lady your nuts". he leaves with slamming the door behind him like a big car crash.
There she is standing on the edge, but is she going to jump?. Her mind is telling her yes but her body is telling her no, the flashback of the pain of losing her daughter hurts. She's tired and doesn't feel anything at all because her heart and soul is lost. "Should I jump" she ask, as if anyone was there to catch her. "My baby Amanda, I hope I will see you in heaven".