What a beautiful day. The sun was shining, the stress of school was waning, track season was over and Myra was sitting in my car, in shorts. Short shorts. Her car had broken down and she needed a ride home after the end of the year track banquet. Once I started driving, I regretted the fact that she only lived ten minutes from the school. I wanted this to last much longer.
"So how long have you been dating Josh?" She asked me. My mood instantly deflated. Josh was a good friend and a fantastic fuck buddy, but most importantly, Josh was eager to talk about sexuality and let me sort out my feelings and concepts in a safe way. Unfortunately, everyone believed we were dating which didn't let me sort out my feelings by the only real method: experimenting.
"Uhh...." Eloquent. Real fucking eloquent.
"Oh did you break up?"
Get it together, get it together.
"We were never really dating. I mean, I think he's great. He's a good friend. We talk about everything, but we're not dating..."
"Oh. Because I heard a rumor he was bisexual. Isn't that weird for a guy?"
Panic. Absolute dread. I don't know how to answer this. If I say yes, then I imply being bisexual is weird. If I say no...Oh man..remember to breathe. In and out.
"I mean," Myra continued, "I realize that its normal for girls, I always assumed you were, but I thought guys were more like light switches. They're either straight or gay. Horney or not. I didn't think it was normal for guys."
Wow. I can breathe again. I can talk about this. Just pretend she's as cool as Josh is.
"Yeah, we talk about it a lot. I am bisexual by the way. I think Josh just doesn't want to rule anything out. Its a really complicated issue. What do you think about it?"
Myra paused. She was biting her lip and thinking really hard. She didn't appear to be freaked out though- she seemed interested. I've had this same talk with a few girls. I wasn't really interested in them, so it felt much calmer for me. I could tell when they were interested though. They would pause a little too long and try to find the perfect phrasing. Others would rush to deny. Myra was clearly rehearsing her words in her head.
"Oh, you are? What kind of girls do you like?"
"Oh no, you didn't answer my question." I managed to play really cool with a wink. I'm totally winning at this.
"I think you know what my answer is. What are you looking for in girls? Who do you have a crush on?" She grabbed my hand that was wresting on the clutch. It was super adorable. Except I needed to drive.
"Uh, I'm really sorry, I need to downshift when we turn. Um... but we should totoally try that when I'm not driving."
She laughed. Thank god. I finally answered,
"I guess I don't know what types of girls I like. I mean, I'm not very experienced in that department. I've had a few girls hit on me and want to try things, but at the end of the day, I just haven't wanted to be with the girls interested so far."
"Oh, that makes sense. That's because they're probably straight and just want to experiment- they're looking for a girl who will play the part the guy is supposed to play. You're not a guy so that's not what works. I've found that I'm especially interested in other girls who are actually bisexual or gay."
Wow. I'm really hearing this. I think about it. First, she admitted that she's interested in me. I could tell by the hand-holding, but its still great to hear. Second, she sounds like she's thought about this. Third, it almost sounds like she's tried this before. Fourth, where is the turn for her road? I thought it was back a ways.
"Did I miss your turn?"
"Yeah, but the conversation was so good, that I thought we could take the long way. Or get ice cream. Or you know.. just drive around for a bit."
I turned to take the scenic road by the river. It would loop back towards the school. I didn't think I could handle this conversation face to face. Driving gave me excuses to be quiet and allowed me to avoid eye contact. I'm a total dork.
"So what about me?" Myra pouted.
"Do I like you? Uh, definitely."
I thought her hand was going for mine again. I pulled away because I really did need to keep shifting. Instead her hand rested on my thigh. My pulse was racing. I turned to look at her. She smiled slowly. After I looked away, she kissed me on the cheek. I could feel my heart hammering. The road was winding, so I had to pay attention. She knew that nothing could really happen, but she knew she was in control too. She kept her hand on my thigh. She was making slow circles. We remained silenced. I kept trying to think of things to say, but honestly, everything sounded too nerdy. She pointed me back to the roads I needed to take to get to her mom's. I parked in front of the house and turned to face Myra.
Myra leaned over and kissed me. Her lips were so soft and the kiss was tenative. Almost to be sure. My anxiety was fading and was quickly being replaced by urgency. I deepened the kiss. She tasted amazing. I tried to lean in closer, but the middle panel was in the way. She cupped my face and I moved my hands to her back. This was heaven. She finally pulled away with a sigh.
"My mom is going to be worried. I should head in. We also don't want people on the street seeing this right now. Umm... what are you doing friday? My parents are going to be out late and they don't usually mind if I have a 'friend' over for compnay."
She actually made the air quote with her hands. It was adorable.
"I can manage Friday. We'll talk tomorrow in school?"
In response she kissed my cheek. "Of course, who else is going to let me cheat off their chemistry homework?"