WORDS BY THE AUTHOR: THIS IS A BOOK ON MY LIFE AS A GENDER DYSPHOBIC CHILD AND HOW I MANAGED MY CHILDHOOD . MY AIM FOR WRITING THIS BOOK IS TO LET THE WORLD KNOW WHO IT FEEL TO BE TRAPPED IN A WRONG BODY AND TO CREATE A SUPPORTIVE ENVIORMENT FOR CHILDRENS LIKE ME.
GENDER IDENTITY DISORDER: People by now already know that an autistic kid is made that way by nature . Similarly there is one other set of people like them who are mistakenly made to have different gender and sex. Sex is the classification of mankind on basis body organs; but gender is classification of mankind on basis of the persons mind.
During distribution of hormones when a baby is in mother's womb, due to some natural misconduct the brain of the child becomes opposite to their sex.
This kind of natural misconduct is gender identity disorder.(simple description)
CHAPTER 1: FEELING DIFFERENT.
Around Age of five it is the time when children feel the difference between a girl and a boy. As far as I remember I used to be dressed as a girl during my age of 4-5. It felt really good. People never say anything if I wear dresses at that stage. But when I became aware of the differences between a boy and a girl I was even more curious to be a girl.
I always felt I was a girl I always loved the role of a girl as a 5 years child. I felt like god will do some magic and give me the organs or a girl. With the passing of time this feelings became stronger and deeper.
I liked playing pretend games with my sister a lot I loved playing with her . I played with toy cars till the day my sister bought a Barbie doll I was like its so nice I need one. I never saw one before that. So I wanted a Barbie but my sister said to buy one boy doll so my dad gave me one and I was happy. I plays with my sister that the Barbie was in trouble and my doll helped her out. I loved that too.
I had dreams that a fairy comes and gives me three wishes and I ask her to change me into a girl, second turn all my stuffs in to girly stuffs………. , and third one to make people believe I was born a boy.
A year later I day dreamed of making a machine that could change me into a girl. I used to play pretend games with my sister where she makes me dress like a girl and I liked it. But when she asks me I say no first then slowly I say if you are requesting so much I will do it. But I always wanted to do that from beginning. I really enjoyed those days as no one used to think it to be weird for a 6 years boy.
Slowly my sister grew up and she stopped playing such childish games. It was like a big blow on my face.
My fathers best friend son became my close friend. He always stayed with me we spent our time in school together. After being with him for two years I told him how I felt. He made a fun of me. After that one day during my science period I was looking at a butterfly. It was really beautiful. I was sitting near the window. After few seconds it came in. I was more interested in it. My teacher seeing that I was not paying attention and looking at it remarked," why are you looking at the butterfly like a girl?". Immediately my friend said" Sir, he wants to be a girl." My sir said," If he wants to be a girl he can easily be. Science is much advanced now." Then he narrated few names who changed their sex. I thank my science teacher a lot as he gave me a lot of hope. This was the first time I was that happy.
I was kind a girly type in school. Come on! A Girl will be girly only. And I know I am girl.
I had hardly two or three friends in my junior school. I didn't like staying with boys. I just use to spend my break time alone in school and with my sister at home. I never liked my school as it was only boys' school. Well my boys teasing me seeing my girly attitude was very hurtful for me. When I was in class 5 I was called a gay. Well then I thought," how can I boy be a girl from inside I am a boy " . There was always a clash in my brain between the two. And every time I tried suppressing it, it became even stronger. I still had that friend at that time. He just stayed with me during the leisure and I never bought this topic again to him. I kept it within myself. Slowly when I was in class 6 he found new friend and he used to hang out with them. Well I was left alone. It was in class 8 when I found a new and true friend. His name was Prit. He was really good. Though he was my senior we became very good friends. The reason why I was able to be friend with only this boy and not other was because of his childishness. He seemed to love science. It will never end if I start listing his qualities.
Meanwhile, I was a seeker of justice and I hated corruption. Seeing the education system in our school I was burning inside. I found that teachers are not doing their duty honestly and they were giving special treatment to some boys which included me as well. I was just looking for a right time to bring the truth in public. I got the chance for giving a speech in the assembly. I said in front of 1500 students and 45 teacher and few non-teaching staff that teacher are giving questions to some the students. I got a lot of compliments for doing this. But those dishonest teachers became angry.
My puberty started in meantime. My voice was being manly I had erections, and facial hair etc. I was in a state of depression during this period. I had to talk to someone. Prit seeing me sad asked me what happened I said him everything and he was shocked. He said having a sex change is a life changing decision and that I must think more about it. I told I am sure about it. He said," if a ship sinks in middle of ocean the sailor can find his way back with the help of a compass and a piece of floating object. Plan what will be your compass and the piece of floating wood if a thing goes wrong. And don't think I am going to break friendship with you. Its your life and you have cent percent right to live it the way you want. I will always be in your good and bad days." The next day I started collecting information on sex change surgery and I got a lot of knowledge.
A week later I was so depressed about my puberty that I drank a full bottle of liquid vaporizer . it had no reaction on my body. I doubt if the worker in the factory of mortien, goodknight
CHAPTER 4: COMING OUT
After coming out to Prit I thought of telling my sister about it. That day both of my parents went to market leaving me and my sister at home. I went to her and told her about my feelings. She was shocked she asked me if I had attraction for boys. I said "yes ". After that she started crying. Then she called my parents and I did not want her to tell my parents. Well I locked myself and started crying.