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Religion cannot have the final say
in how
one lives
so take
this personal journey
in the life
as
Ghetto Gospel speaks.


Submitted:Jun 12, 2012    Reads: 158    Comments: 0    Likes: 0   


Seeking knowledge
Is the greatest quest
You can ever go on
Knowledge is about change
And for most people
Change brings about fear
Living in contentment of
"That's the way things are"
Or
"It's always been like this."
And truth
Will never see the light of day
Because of misinterpretations
And hatred
This hatred
Surrounded my life for years
But my faith brought peace in knowing
That Yahuwah loves me
I have peace in knowing
That you can be a woman
Who loves a woman
The hatred
That springs out of religion
Through people
Who say
they love our Creator
No longer bind me
I am free
I am surrounded
By the stillness
Of my orientation
In my Christian rearing home
I could never reach
The tranquility of freedom
My head pounded
To the beat
Of misinterpretation of scriptures
I struggled with what my religion taught
I struggled with what my family would think
Then I realized
I really didn't care
Yes, it's a little hard
Being a woman of color
And give thanks
I wasn't born a gay man of color.
No one could tell me
That
Black Americans
Didn't invent
"The Closet".
Some are bound
And hide so far
Into that closet
You can't even
See the whites
Of their eyes
When I finally came out
To my family
One of my
Sister's responses
Was
I was going
Straight to hell
And she comforted herself
In saying
"…love the sinner,
But hate the sin…"
And another sister said,
If in fact
I was going to be gay,
Did I have to be so bold with it?
In my relatives eyes,
Bold was bringing my spouse
Of the same gender
To any family function
After attending a Thanksgiving gathering in 2002,
I received a phone call by one of my brothers.
He told me
He had heard
That I came by
For the holiday
We carried on in conversation
In a positive direction
It felt good
To be talking to my big brother
But then,
In the midst of our conversation,
He said,
"Could you do one thing?"
I smiled
And before I could even respond,
He told me,
"The next time
You come around the family,
Could you come by yourself?"
I don't know why
I was shocked
But I was
While he was still talking,
I hung the phone up in his face
I called a favorite niece
And told her
What had happened
Except
I told the whole story in tears
I was so hurt
My relatives seem not to be aware
That their comments hurt
If I'm "still" their sister,
Why can't they love me
Like our Creator loves me?
As far back as kindergarten
I can recall a feeling
That I was different
I realized my feelings for girls
Were different
From my feelings for boys
As I grew older
I never associated my feelings for girls
As that word
Homosexual
All I knew
My gender
Gave me a different reaction
Than the opposite gender
Because of my upbringing in church
And knowing
How my family
Looked upon
Someone like me,
The only choice I made
Was keeping my orientation
To myself
One Sunday when I was young
I overheard
My older sisters
Gossiping
To my mother
About two ladies
At our church
Who were "funny"
That
Was the first time
I heard that word
After hearing their conversation
And the fact
That I was cut of the same cloth
With the two ladies
I took a cue from my mother's silence
And did just that
I buried those feelings
As far as I could
As I progressed
From elementary to middle school,
I'd look into the mirror
And wonder why I was attracted to girls
I didn't have any answers for myself
When I got to high school,
This issue got harder.
I found myself questioning
If I was bisexual
Even though I liked boys
I still gravitated toward females
I was in no hurry
To be intimate with boys anyway
My church came through for me
Because I held on
To the
No sex outside of marriage clause
I shook hands with my church
And politely went into the closet
I did not want to go
Toe to toe
With religious overachievers
And yes
It was my excuse to keep
Distance between the opposite sex and me
The religion my parents chose for me
Was Church Of God In Christ. (C.O.G.I.C.)
Then my first chose
At the age of sixteen
Was to be saved
Being saved meant
That you were saved
From your sins (Romans 10:9) N IV
But being saved in C.O.G.I.C. also meant
Women shouldn't wear anything
Pertaining to a man (Deuteronomy 22:5) KJV
I was forced
To wear dresses
Because of this scripture
It was hard at sixteen
It was harder to carry this off in Physical Ed
When I was in the ninth grade
I decided to wear pants to school
A peer of mine
Who just
Visited my church
Walked up to me at lunchtime
And said,
"I thought you were saved?"
I couldn't explain myself
I was caught
I felt so guilty
I was made to believe
That my salvation
Was in my clothes
My religion
Based my salvation
On if
I watched soap operas
Or went to the movies
If I wore "red" finger nail polish
Because
That was the color of Jezebel
All of it
Was
Sin, sin, sin
I felt unworthy to be a Christian
The condemnation of wearing pants
Caused my "backsliding"
It was just a heavy issue
When I was a teen
In 1976
I felt so much guilt
Every time I wore pants
I was convinced I wasn't saved
Turning over and over
In my head
With this issue on wearing pants
Led me
Not to even
deal with my orientation.
I eventually did the "normal" thing
I got married and had children
However,
Doing the right thing
In the eyes of society
Never stopped the feelings I had for women
My marriage ended very early
Because my husband abused me one time
And I was done,
I left this marriage
And seven years later
I was done
With "the phase" in my life.
The marriage provided its' purpose
As far as I was concerned
I was blessed to have two sons
And now
I have two wonderful daughter-n-laws
And two grandsons
Time marched on
After leaving the marriage
When I was twenty-eight
I dated men knowing
The relationship wasn't going to work
And later
Celibacy was a choice
And not the life-saving decision
It is today
Again,
I was looking in the mirror
And I had to face the truth about myself
I came out of the internal closet in 1993
I became a club regular
And continued my life
As if
It was the biggest ongoing party
The one thing the club did for me
Was to validate my existence
The first time I entered a gay club,
I felt my soul was set free
For the first time
I saw people like me
People who loved who they loved
Being in this place was very comfortable to me
It was natural
It became the only place I wanted to be
As I began to meet different people
I learned many
Came from
The same religious background as I did
Some were Catholic,
Some Jehovah Witness
And some were Seven Day Adventist
We all were trying to come
To some term
With our orientation
And our relationship with Yahuwah
Together we became "family".
Together we consumed the club scene
Together we continued in "the life"
And once again
Stored a part of ourselves
Away in the closet
Train a child
In the way they should go
And they will not depart
This
Is what I was taught
In Sunday school
After two years of clubbing
My soul was yearning for Yah
I wanted to return to church
It's funny,
It's not my orientation
That led me to leave the church
It was church itself
Seven years prior to me coming out
I was not in attendance to any church
I had a problem with organized religion
And people who sit in church
After watching these Christians
I saw too many things
Wrong with the church
But then I started looking at
The many right things of Yahuwah
My eyes turned from humans
And my heart returned to the alter
I set my eyes on the Messiah
And I finally understood that religion
Church
And Yahushua (*Jesus the Christ)
Weren't entirely the same
Religion is man-made
organized
And blinded
by man's own ideas
Man start wars
Driven by religion in the name of God
In the
"name of God"
or "for" God
…be real.
Religion justifies persecution and hatred
Church is a building with members
That will kick you out
The church is just as much political
As any government
And
Can't seem to break away
From Church and State
Religion is the core reason why
The LGBT community has to struggle
For marriage equality
A civil liberty
I remained confused
By what
I felt in my heart
And what I read with my eyes
I was more bewildered
Because Christians who believed
In the same G-D as I
Were telling me
that I am an abomination
To my heavenly Father
Because of
Who I am
Abomination…I've heard that word so many times
That word caused me to run
And deny my orientation for years
Abomination…This word left me feeling that Yah hated me
But as I sought after knowledge
I learned
That word "abomination"
Means a disgusting affront
To Yahuwah through idolatry
Like Solomon did in 1 Kings 11:5 (KJV)
I began to get in the word
seeking understanding
For years I read Genesis 10
Telling of the intent of a "homosexual rape", Levitus 18:20,
Leviticus 20:13 warning of men not to lie down with men
I also read Romans 1:26:27, 1 Corinthians 6:9 and 1 Timothy 1:10
These scriptures
Have society
Feeling like
They can judge me.
I needed some answers
I didn't go out
Trying to find that homosexuality was right
I needed to know
That I
Would be
All right with Yahuwah
A person who is "homosexual"
Never made that decision for themselves
As you grow
You just realize
And know who you are
You may not understand it at first
You will try to hide and run from it
You start thinking about
What your family and friends will think
You've already heard all the gay jokes
And you don't want co-workers
Making your life a joke
Around the water cooler
And Yah forbid
One of your church members finds out
And today gay teen's number in suicide grows
I prayed and was led to the New Testament
I was taken back to see Yahushua
who spoke against murder,
Adultery, lust, and divorce
All these offenses are actions
All these offenses
Are choices
people made in their lives
which are against Yahuwah's law
These offenses
Cannot be compared
To a person's orientation
In the New Testament
You can see for yourself
What Yahushua
plainly said about a covenant
committed
same gender relationship
this cannot compare
to people who violate
their bodies
against Yahuwah's law
My eyes are now open
And the issue of my orientation
Is now laid to rest
I no longer hold on to the guilt of who I am
I ended my journey and
I am convinced that it is o.k. to be gay
I wanted Yah to change me
Because man's condemnation
Was too great for me to bear
Yahuwah left me
Just as I am
Knowing that I am alright
I go on
I am right within myself
I am right with Yah
Yahuwah knew
I was going to be his gay warrior
He gave me wisdom to seek him first
And it leaves me with no room
For anything
But commpassion
For others
Who are lost in their ignorance
And self-righteousness
In the beginning
The clubs validated who I was
But I
Could not confine
My everyday life
To club life
I needed to live free
Outside of the clubs
I am now validated through love
And knowing that Yahuwah
Loves me
And He will protect me
From my enemies
Even if it's religious folk
And their ideals
Of who
Should be punished
Here on earth
In Yahuwah's name
I do not need
To be in the clubs to live
I can be who I am freely
I have long since stopped
The club scene
For it is not
For me today
And I could never
Be a weekend warrior
Living the gay life
seeing the same old people
Between rum and
Tequila shots
And with religion following after
False doctrines
And churches fallen away
I have removed myself from the building
Once again
My faith in my Redeemer
And through the spirit and truth
I am at the end of my road to freedom
To live as my Creator allows it
And not through man's judgments or opinions
I am happy from within and I know that it is ok to be Gay
(c) 1997/2009/2011




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