Being of sound mind and body I write this note, not really knowing if anybody will read it, actually hoping that nobody will. I write this not for anybody’s benefit but for myself, too maybe leave a last bastion of myself in this world somehow, a sense of ironic immortality I guess.
I know that my killing myself wouldn’t do anything for anyone’s benefit, quite the contrary I know it will cause pain, a lot of pain in everybody…even those that say they don’t care like my mother. This is weakness and I just pray that you all can one day forgive me; I cannot express how sorry I am. For my weakness I will cause many of you immense sorrow, but this life has gotten so hard that I don’t think I could bear another second of it.
Mom, I know you think that everything I did was about dishonesty, what with being gay and having a boyfriend. I want you to know that I was not lying to you, I was merely afraid of how you’d react, and you fulfilled my suspicions. Even as I write this you antagonize me from downstairs…Mom I want you to know that somebody can live their life involving you without having to live their life around you. You didn’t want that, every time you thought I hurt you, you hurt me back in kind; even though mine was by mistake and not by design and very obviously could only hurt you if you expected me to live my life around you and not involving you, whereas yours was on eye for an eye spite. Believe me I am trying to see things through your eyes and understand where you are coming from and in a sense I get it, but I would have loved it if you had done me the same privilege.
To know how much I hurt, I even try to mend our relationship as you sit smug thinking only of yourself; you call me fake for putting on that smile. That smile is incredibly painful, it is only for your benefit that I put it on, so yes I am fake when it comes to trying to make you happy; I do everything I think you want me to do when I can, but there are some things that are just asking too much…You have shown over and over again that your definition of how you care about me is based solely on my pure obeying of you…maybe it is you that should look up the definition of love
I write this not to vilify you or justify my own actions, nor to make you mournful and responsible, but because it is the truth.
I spoke to you just now, you told me how I hurt you and started listing things that you have obviously kept pent up for a long time, but everything always comes back with you talking about me being gay, first you say I don’t know myself and then you say that you know former lesbians and that if I were to give myself over to Jesus I would be normal…wow. I tried talking to you, from an open vantage point and you shut me out.
You don’t know what I went through when I started realizing I was gay. You don’t think I asked myself those same questions? You don’t think I cried myself to sleep every single night? You don’t think I felt vile and disgusting and wanted nothing more than to either be normal or die?
And now you tell me that I don’t know, not even acknowledging what I went through. I realize that you are wise, but on this topic I am the expert, I have been through hell and come out the other side bruised and beaten and ALIVE. Now it appears to be your prerogative to put me through it a second time…you have no idea what I went through.