Take Another Look

We all have those moments in our lives when after the damage is done we look back and think to ourselves “What the hell did I just do?” Well I have those very once in awhile just like anyone but mine usually involve things like getting into a fight with my dad or brother, you know the everyday things that you never think of until one day its too late you’ve said the wrong thing and they are gone. Well my problem is that when I get mad or upset my logic goes out the window and I’m careless. The people close to me such as friends and family know me all too well and really don’t think any of it. I know every can say hurtful things when they are mad but we do have to realize words do hurt no matter what anyone tells you.

 You can lose all trust in someone just because that chose to say the wrong thing at the wrong time and it broke your heart or at least hurt an important part of you. Another problem of mine is that honestly I have a hard time expressing my emotions, especially when I am angry; I tend to start off calm entering a conversation and end it mad because of certain things. I am not hard to get along with, but when I get frustrated I can’t vocalize my feelings, hence I have always been better at writing things down. Taking my time in doing so I tend to express things that I would have otherwise forgotten or just didn’t know how to express in another form. With that being said there is something I have to get off of my chest that hopefully will make a certain woman understand how I am and truly feel a little but better and maybe just maybe she might find the strength to forgive and my horrible way of expressing anger. And I will say now I will not name the names of the people involved in this for their privacy.

So I remember the first time I saw you like it was yesterday…. I was still with that worthless girl that did nothing but hurt me and out of the corner of my eye I saw you. All I was thinking about at that time was the newest stupid thing the girl did to me that pissed me off beyond measure. I was leaning against the wall in the gym waiting for my turn to go up and do pull-ups as apart of my grade in JROTC (Junior Officer Training Corps) and our mutual friend that neither of us talk to, the one who liked to talk a lot of crap to both of us about each other, was talking my ear off and I was listening and commenting because it was before I realized just how little she cared about anyone but herself. She said something to me and I wasn’t paying attention because I was too lost in my own thoughts and when I didn’t respond she got bored and scampered over to you.

She did things like that a lot and got angry with me a lot for things that were just stupid now I realize it was just because she wanted to keep me under her thumb. There are a lot of things that if I would have realized sooner we would have never ended to begin with or so I hope. That day was the first day I noticed you, and I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t seen you before; I couldn’t understand how someone with your beauty could have evaded my sight for so long. I didn’t know who you were, but I wanted to. You were well known in the high school and so was I, but somehow we managed to hear of each other but never actually meet. I was curious to who you were and what you were like but I was taken and I wasn’t about to go and do anything that even remotely seemed like cheating no matter how badly she treated me. So I forgot about you for a while, too focused on my own problems and craziness. While I’m sure you were dealing with your own.

Then came the day when I admitted to a friend/ex that I had a crush on you still not knowing exactly who you were. She knew but didn’t tell me instead she ended up dating you a week later. That obviously didn’t make me very happy so I stopped talking to her and in turn was out of the loop with how you were doing. I was single at the time and I kept beating myself up for not paying more attention to who I told things to, I trusted too easily. What I didn’t find out until recently was that, that relationship didn’t last long at all. Funny thing was how pissed I ended up getting because I was lead to believe that you hurt her when in reality she just couldn’t handle what you were capable of then and still are today.

I find it ironic how we really started talking, one of both of our close friends who is my sister in all but blood gave you my number because I was having some difficulty dealing with certain issues at home etc. I first started talking to you in hopes that you could give me some advice in which to handle the situation and not lose my mind, which you did. I never expected to end up liking and later loving you. That friend was determined to set us up not that we knew it. I knew once I was sure that I wanted you she was over on the sidelines talking me up in your ear and I thought it was entertaining that she was knowing I could handle myself.

I still remember the day I was standing in line waiting to get into the lunch room and you two walked up I could hear her muttering something in your ear and saw you blush, I couldn’t help but smile and laugh at little at how adorable you were, I knew she had done it again. It wasn’t but a month after that if that, that we started really talking towards dating. And even then we had problems with fighting or just believing what people said about each of us without asking first. Before I even truly asked you out we got into an argument over that friend/ex which I later realized was completely pointless.

But I do believe some of the things that stick out the most in my mind about the time we had together were the cute little things you did, like the day I know you remember when you got hurt and ran straight into my arms almost knocking me over in your haste. When I just held you for the longest time kisses your cheeks and whispering sweet little things in your ear to try and make you feel better. Yes I remember how you got hurt and the look on his face when you pushed him away and ran straight to me. That day more than anything made me realize just how much I love you and how protective over you I am.

Yes I remember those time I had to walk away before I ended up killing someone because they hurt you. Or the look on your face when you saw me walking away and either became angry or upset in an instant. Yes I remember the extreme jealousy I had with the one male who was always around you, who you had already dated, who hated my guts the moment he knew I had you and he didn’t, who couldn’t seem to keep his hands off of you even though he knew we belonged to each other. Yes I remember all the fights my insecurities over that caused or my stubbornness. I realize that I did a lot of stupid things and I still am doing stupid things. I know neither of us really know each other anymore because the years have changed us, but I want to change that, I want to know you and be able to fix the things that hurt you the best I can. I will tell you that no matter how mad I get or how hard you push whether or want me to be the lover or just the friend I will be there for you.

Darling I don’t think you quite understand just how much I care about you, I would easily step in front of a bullet for you, no questions asked and no regrets. I can’t look at you without smiling and wanting to pull you into my arms, and my heart kicks into hyper drive. I can hear my heart pounding in my ears when I have you close, when I step into one of your amazing hugs I feel as though I could get lost in it, never come back and be completely happy. When I’m not with you all I am thinking about is being with you, I’m always daydreaming about just holding you or just falling asleep with you. Babe I know things aren’t easy but I have never seen anything that is worth it no be at least at little work and I’m willingly to work myself to the bone to make this work. Taking it slow? Perfect that just means I can get to know you better before the pressure is on. So babe before you give this up please take another look…. If you did I’ll bet you’ll see that I’m really trying here.