"What are you wearing today Kate?"
"Depends on who I have to pretend to be," I knew as soon as the words left my mouth it was a stupid thing to say, I'd get a fake response as always. It was true though, I could never be myself, always pretending to be something I'm not for the benefit of everyone else. To keep them happy.
"We love you for who you are, stop being so silly," just as I said, fake reply.
We're going on a family day out today, well can I say family I mean they barely know who I am, all they know a lie. It's going to be great, not. I quickly did my basic make-up and my hair, neat and straight. After throwing on a pair of skinny black jeans and a plain blue t-shirt I headed out to the car.
"Is Megan coming with us today?" Dad asks as I strap on my seatbelt.
"Yeah," I reply, not wanting to get into much discussion about it, although it's not really my dad that has a problem with the whole 'gay daughter saga.' There's only two people in my whole family I can honestly say don't mind my sexuality, that's my sister and my dad.
We pull up outside Megan's front door, and she rapidly climbs in without a fuss. I'm tempted to say 'hey babe, how you doing, I love you' and give her a kiss, right here, right now just to piss my mom off, but I haven't got the guts to do it. I wish we could though, I wish we could be like the other couples my age; the ones that cuddle on the sofa together without fear and someone seeing; the ones that hold hands while they're out with the family like nothing could make them happier. I hate having to hide.
The car journey is pretty much silent, well apart from the radio blasting through the speakers in the sides of the car. To me it's silent because my mind is elsewhere, wishing I could be the person I want to be and not this pathetic lie. My mom and dad are completely oblivious to me and Megan secretly texting each other sending cute little messages to make each other smile. I swear she's the only thing that keeps me smiling.
"Today will be nice," mom finally speaks after almost 30minuts of driving. It'll be nice for everyone apart from me and Megan. Actually that in its self is a lie. It probably won't be the best day for my sister either. I'm not the only one hiding stuff to make people happy, so is Jade. It's funny because she knows all of my secrets and I know all of hers.
"Yeah," I reply. No one speaks again until there's a mini argument about which turning to take and whether we've gone past it or not. When we finally arrive and park up, everyone else is already there, waiting in this little posh coffee shop. It was bound to be all posh, after all my Nan organised it, just something else we have to add to the list of 'things we have to pretend to be.'
The morning goes by quite fast, nothing out the ordinary happens, Jade makes the odd excuse as to why she has to go outside just so she can secretly smoke. Me and Megan, pretend to be best friends and act like we haven't been a couple for the past 3 years. Then lunch time hit.
We all sat down around the table in this fancy posh restaurant like the happy little family we are; my Nan, my Grandad, my sister, her boyfriend, their daughter, my mom, my dad, my girlfriend and me. Our orders are placed and our food is dished out fairly quickly. Lilly, my niece, starts screaming, moaning that she doesn't want to sit next to her nan.
"Lilly, sit down and eat your food and stop being so silly," Jade yells back.
"Don't shout at her like that Jade."
"Nan she's my daughter and I know how to deal with her, I'll shout if I want," My sister rapidly looses her temper with my Nan all the time. They think she can't cope because she's a young mom, which is something that highly impressed the whole family when she fell pregnant at 17.
"Come with me Lilly, we need a private talk don't we?" My sister glares at my three year old niece making sure she understands she's about to be told off seriously. Then she gets up and removes Lilly from the table.
"Your hair looks nice Kate, bet all the lads are after you at school. Have you got a boyfriend yet?" My Nan asks me the most dreaded question for a lesbian. My most dreaded question. Most of the time I can get along pretending me and Megan are best friends, its not really a lie, were just not telling the whole truth. But, when this question is raised I have to blatantly lie.
"No," I pull on a fake happy voice and force a smile as I say it. The words are on the end of my tongue, ready to blurt out, 'actually nan I'm gay, Megan has been my girlfriend all this time,' but of course, that would break the family. Break the happiness.
Later on, me and Megan get a few minutes alone on our way back from the toilets, I've been dying to give her a hug and a kiss all day and this is the first and last opportunity I will get. I slip my hand in hers as we walk side by side; she turns and smiles at me. "Can I have a hug?" I whisper. She wraps her arms around me, she feels so warm and cosy, I feel safe, protected and best of all happy. I could stay this way forever and never let go. She pulls back and gives me a quick kiss and I smile back at her. She's all I could have wished for.
"What are you doing?" My moms stern voice cuts off our peaceful moment of happiness. "You know, your nan is just around the corner. If she sees this she'll have a heart attack, it will not be-"
"-A welcome surprise," I finish the sentence, mimicking her voice, "I know you've told me before," I roll my eyes and back away from our embrace. "I love you," I whisper to Megan.
"Oh please," she tuts, "your 17 you don't know what love is, you're just young and confused." That's what they all say, 'you're confused' 'you're young' 'it's a phase', 'you don't know how you feel at your age.' So at my age then, do I know when I'm sad? Do I know when I'm happy? Because I damn well am happy so don't tell me how I feel. Don't tell me who I am.