With my eyes closed shut, I frantically pulled my blanket up over my head for protection. It was Friday night, at 11:30pm, and I knew exactly what that meant. It meant Nathan would be coming for me any minute now.
Nathan, or Nasty Nathan, as I liked to call him, was my mother's disgusting, abusive boyfriend, and I hated his fucking guts. I hated him because he hurt my mom, both physically and emotionally. I hated him because he was a low-life who had been terrorizing our lives for three long, agonizing years now. But most of all, I hated him because, ever since I turned fifteen two months ago, he had been raping me.
Every Friday night for the past eight weeks, the routine in our house would be the same. My mom would come home from work at the restaurant that she worked in as a waitress, then she would spend time with me, her only child, until it was time for her to prepare dinner. We would talk, or she would help me with me homework for a little while, then she would resume to the kitchen, to get dinner started before her man would come home.
Nasty Nathan would usually arrive just before dinner was finished being made, and, depending on whether or not him and my mom were on good terms that day, he would either smile up in her face and kiss her and tell her his missed her all day. Or he would walk into the apartment, cursing and screaming about absolutely nothing.
But even if they did argue, and he did end up smacking her around, which was what usually happened, everything would be smoothed over by dinnertime somehow. Nathan, my mom, and I would all eat dinner together and talk about how our day went. Well, they would talk. I would just sit there, fiddling with my food, and worry about what I knew was going to be happening to me later on that night in my bedroom.
After dinner, I would lock myself in my room and finish my homework or read a book. And Nathan and my mom would usually watch TV together until my mom was tired. Then they would go into bed together and fuck loudly. But if I ever heard any type of sexual noises, I would just drown the sounds out by putting my earbuds in my ear and blasting the music on my iPod.
Once my mom was fast asleep, that was when Nasty Nathan would come into my room and take advantage of me. He had been doing it religiously, every Friday night for weeks now. He never missed a Friday. And no matter how much I had begged and pleaded with him at first, not to take my virginity, not to take my innocence....he did it anyway. It was almost as if he fed off of my purity, because he had been so rough, so aggressive, so hurtful the first time, I bawled my eyes out throughout the whole eight minutes he was on top of me.
But Nathan loved it. He enjoyed raping his girlfriend's fifteen year old daughter, robbing her of something she would never get back. I even told him, while he was penetrating me for the first time, that if he didn't stop, I would tell my mom and he would get sent to jail. But he just responded to that by slapping me hard across the face, and saying that if I ever told my mom about anything, he would kill me and her. And, after all the times I had seen Nathan slap, kick, punch, and choke my mom already, I knew he was serious. He really would kill us.
So now, when he would sneak into my room every Friday night, I wouldn't even put up a fight anymore. I would just lay there, and let my mom's, forty five year old asshole of a boyfriend climb onto me and take advantage me. It never lasted longer than eight or nine minutes, so I would try to block out what was happening to me by thinking about happy thoughts. Like when my mom and I were happy together, before she met Nathan.
I had never met my real dad before, because he had bailed out on my mom when he found out she was pregnant with me. But that didn't stop me from having a wonderful childhood. My mom was the greatest mom ever, and, even though she didn't always have much money, she spoiled me and always kept a smile on my face by taking me to the movies, or to a water park, or on random late night trips to McDonald's for ice cream. It wasn't much, but we had each other, and that was all that I needed.
Yeah...those were real happy times...
My bedroom door made a creaking sound as it was being pushed opened, and I instantly huddled my body into a little ball. I wanted to cry, but my will power wouldn't let the tears fall from my eyes. I realized weeks ago that Nasty Nathan thrived off my fear. It was like, it turned him on even more to see me so terrified. So, even though I was scared shitless of him, I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of seeing me that vulnerable.
"Sabby. Sabby, wake up," Nathan whispered angrily.
I cringed when I heard him calling me by the nickname that only my mother and my friends were allowed to call me. I had asked him several times to just call me Sabrina, but he always just acted like he didn't even hear me.
I felt a dip in the bed, and I bit down hard on my bottom lip, because I knew that Nasty Nathan was now sitting beside me. Even though I had my thick blanket covering my whole body, I could still feel his hot, disgusting breath on me, and it made me want to throw up.
Nathan yanked the blanket off of me, causing me to jump in shock. It was completely dark in my room, but I could still see the evil in his hazel eyes, and I could still see his sinister grin as well.
"Hey babycakes. Are you ready for me?" he asked, as if I had a choice in the matter.
I didn't respond; I just continued to lay there in silence, as I willed myself not to cry. Why did he have to talk to me anyway? Why couldn't he just do what he had to do, then get the hell out of my room?
"Aww, I hope you're not still mad about what you saw happening to your mom earlier," he said.
Tears were literally fighting to come out of my eyes now, as I listened to Nasty Nathan refer to what had happened just two hours ago, when he slapped my mom in her face right in front of me, because she didn't cook the chicken the way he had requested. He had hit her so hard, she flew off the chair and fell onto the ground, and I just sat there, wide-eyed, watching in shock.
I wasn't shocked because I saw him hit her, because I had witnessed that so many times already, I was almost immune to it. I was just shocked that, even though my mom feared Nathan, she still wouldn't leave him. She still wouldn't kick him out of our apartment. She still let him beat her every other day, and she still kept him around me, her only daughter, giving him the opportunity to violate me in the most disgusting ways whenever her wanted.
Nathan reached out and gently stroked my long, black hair, causing me to gasp and cringe. "Aww, babycakes, I love your mom, I really do. But....you know, if she would just do what I told her to do, I wouldn't have to punish her all the time." He sighed. "Anyway, I'm not in here to talk about your mother. You know why I'm here, don't you?"
I nodded my head slowly, but didn't say a word.
"Say it, Sabby. Say yes," he ordered, his tone scary and impatient.
"Yes, Nathan," I forced myself to say.
He grinned his evil grin again, then climbed on top of me. His body weight was almost too much for my small frame to handle, but I wasn't going to complain. Complaining meant actually having to talk to him, and I only did that when he forced me to.
"You're such a pretty girl, do you know that, Sabby?" he whispered, with a perverted smile on his face. "You have beautiful, brown eyes, a gorgeous smile, and a great body. You must have a little boyfriend at school, don't you?"
I shook my head. "No," I mumbled.
"Why not?" he asked.
"Because I'm too young to have a boyfriend."
He smirked. "You're too young to have a boyfriend, but you're not too young to have sex? That's kind of a contradiction, don't you think?"
I bit down on my bottom lip again, because I was tempted to curse at him and tell him that I wasn't having sex on my own free will. I was being raped. There was a huge difference.
"Well, maybe it's a good thing you don't have a boyfriend, because that would mean I would have to share you," he whispered into my ear, as his hand trailed down to my white cotton panties. "I've been thinking about you all day, Sabby. You have no idea how much I enjoy pleasuring you."
I closed my eyes shut tight again, because I knew it was about to begin. He was about to violate me. Nathan slobbered all over my neck, while he aggressively yanked my panties all the way down and entered inside of me, and pounded into me like I was a grown woman, and not the fifteen year old little girl that I really was.
But I didn't budge. I didn't fuss. I didn't scream, and I didn't cry. I just kept my eyes closed, and waited for it to be over. My mind left my body then, and it went to a good place, where there was no Nasty Nathan, no abuse, no screaming and arguing in our home all the time. It was just me and my mom, and we were happy.
"Damn, Sabby, you don't look so hot. Are you feeling okay?"
I slowly raised my head up from my desk and looked at my best friend Alexandra. She was right. I didn't look so hot because I didn't feel so hot. I had been feeling like crap for almost two weeks now, and to make matters worse, my period was over a week late. I had been fighting the urge to think that I was pregnant, because I refused to believe that. I just couldn't be carrying a child, because if I was, then that would mean it was Nathan's child. And that really couldn't be possible.
"No, Alex, I'm not feeling okay. My stomach hurts and I threw up twice this morning," I replied miserably. "Maybe I'm coming down with the flu or something. I think it's going around."
Alex frowned. "Maybe. Have you been to the doctor's?"
I shook my head. "No."
"Well, get your mom to take you, Sabby. Because you really look like shit," she said.
"Sabrina and Alexandra, please no talking! You're supposed to be studying," my math teacher, Mr. Rowan scowled at us.
I rolled my eyes, then rested my head on my desk again. Studying was the last thing on my mind right now. My stomach was doing backflips, and I felt like I was going to be ill. I really hoped it was just the flu I was coming down with, and that my late period was due to stress from everything that had been going on at home. I remembered learning in health class that anxiety and stress could cause a woman's menstral cycle to be late. Yes. That had to be it.
"Psst. Sabby. Sabby!" Alex whispered, then poked me in my side.
Frowning, I raised my head again to give my best friend a dirty look for poking me, but, as soon as I lifted my head, I felt the vomit making its way up from my stomach into my throat. Shit!
In a panic, I jumped up from my seat, causing all the students in my class to look at me weirdly, including Alex, then I covered my mouth and ran out of the classroom without saying anything to Mr. Rowan. I couldn't say anything if I tried, anyway. Because if I did, I would have thrown up all over him.
I ran down the school hallway to the girls' bathroom, and when I got there, I dashed into a stall, threw myself down on my knees, and let it all out in the toilet. As I vomited up my lunch, tears formed in my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. What the hell was happening to me??
When I was ten, I remembered I had the flu. It made my temperature go up ridiculously high, and I did throw up a lot, but this was different. I felt....different. And, as much as I didn't want to admit it, I had to face the facts. I could be pregnant.
"Sabby! Sweetie, are you in here?"
When I heard my best friend's voice, I broke down into more tears, as I wiped my mouth and plopped myself down on the cold bathroom floor. I couldn't believe this was happening to me. There was a chance that I was carrying a baby. Me, a ninth grader, was pregnant with her mom's boyfriend's baby.
Alex found me on the floor, drowning myself in my own tears, and she gasped, then dropped down to the ground beside me. She wrapped her arms around me, her long, brown hair brushing against my face, and she gently caressed my back as I cried on her shoulder.
"Oh God, Sabby, are you really feeling that sick? What's going on with you? I don't think this is the flu, sweetie," Alex said.
"I know it's not. I wish it was, but it's not," I sobbed.
"Then what is it?" she asked.
"I....Alex, I think I'm pregnant."
Alex pulled me away from her and stared at me with wide eyes. Her mouth was dropped open, and she looked as if she saw a ghost. Seeing that look of horror on her face caused me to cry even harder, and I felt sick to my stomach again.
"Sabby....wha-what do you mean you're pregnant? Are you serious?" she asked. "How is that even possible? Sweetie, you're only fifteen! I didn't even know you were having sex! Who were you..."
"Alex, please! No more questions!" I sobbed. "Can you just...take me to a pharmacy so I can get a pregnancy test?"
Alex's frowned. "Sweetie, maybe we should just go to the office and call your mom to come pick you up. You need to tell her what's going on so she can help..."
"No! I can't tell my mom!" I shrieked, as I shook my head vigorously.
"Sabby, I know your mom will be upset, but, if you're pregnant, you have to tell her," Alex urged.
"I can't, Alex. You don't understand. I....I just can't," I wiped my tears away, "Can you please just keep this to yourself, until I figure out what's going on with me?"
Alex sighed deeply. "Alright...okay, fine."
As scared and confused as I was, I could never tell my mom. Even if I really was pregnant, she could never know. Telling her would mean I would have to reveal how I got pregnant. And that would lead to her finding out what Nasty Nathan had been doing to me. And if Nathan knew that I had told my mom, God only knew what he would do to us...
If there really was a baby inside of me, it was going to be a secret that I had to keep to myself. If I was pregnant, would I keep it? How would I hide my pregnancy from my mom, and from Nathan? What was I going to do when I had to give birth? And most importantly, how the hell was I going to be a fifteen year old mother?
My mind was racing a million miles per minute, and I felt the vomit rise up into my throat again. I jumped up from the ground, then held my head over the toilet again, while I puked up my lungs. Or at least it felt like my lungs.
"Oh my God, Sabby!" Alex exclaimed, as she knelt beside me and rubbed my back. "Don't worry, girl. Everything is going to be fine, okay? No matter what happens, you're going to be fine."
It was nice that my best friend wanted to comfort me by telling me lies. But that was all they were; lies. I knew that everything was not going to be fine. If I was carrying a baby, not only was everything not going to fine. My life would never be the same again.