Behind Closet Doors.

JAMIE;

Things seemed to go back to normal for the most part between Peyton and I. School quickly came to an end and we tried to balance our time together since we both had boyfriends. Peyton began dating Logan after spring break and I put the jealousy I felt away in a box hidden in my mind. I tried to forget about the intimate moments Peyton and I had shared and kept everything bottled up inside. It was easy to hang out with all four of us but harder to spend time alone. We still had sleep overs every weekend, our cuddling continued and the feelings burned inside me stronger than ever. I pushed them down each time but they kept rising. I wouldn’t let Peyton know how I felt. I wouldn’t let it effect our friendship or ruin our chances at becoming popular and having a great time while we were in school.

There were lots of moments when I wanted to kiss Peyton and sometimes I could tell she wanted to kiss me too. When those moments happened I would push them away as quickly as they appeared. The pain built up inside but I tried to ignore it. I mean any normal girl would be ecstatic with the way my life was going. I just felt the lies burying me and the weight was more than I could hold. I was getting everything I had always wanted and it was turning out to be the complete opposite of what I needed. My skin still remembered Peytons electric touch and my lips could still taste her cupcake chapstick. I used her memories in my bedroom locked away from the world and I pretended it was her hands touching me. I know it's not okay for me to think about her like that but as long as no one else found out I'd be fine. I can be myself when I'm alone, can't I?

Peyton joined the cheer squad in seventh grade and we became just as close as ever. We both stayed with our boyfriends and hid from ourselves the entire school year. We became popular pretty quickly and soon had new friends wanting to join our sleepovers. I hated when we let them join in our our time, but that's what happens when you're popular. Our friendship seemed to be strong but inside I wanted more, as much as I wouldn’t admit it. We didn’t explore the lines of our friendship again until ninth grade. I was still dating Ryan but Peyton had just broken up with Logan.

Obviously after being together for such a long time Ryan had certain expectations of me as his girlfriend. He had been trying to take my virginity since my fourteenth birthday, a little after a year of dating. I didn’t let him go that far. We had done everything else but I just wasn’t ready to give him that yet. He was mostly respectful of my choice to wait but sometimes he would get angry and leave abruptly after getting turned down. I would call Peyton and tell her everything. I would always wake up to a ridiculous amount of soppy apology text messages in my inbox from Ryan the next day. The last week before summer break ended I gave my virginity to Ryan. It didn’t last long, and it mostly just hurt. He said he’d be gentle and at first he was, but I didn’t want him to be the one in control. I pushed him off of me onto his back playing it off as sexy and took control. I closed my eyes tight and pictured Peyton. I pushed her out of my mind, I didn’t want her to be here. I faked an orgasm and afterwards I felt nothing. I told Peyton about it over the phone as soon as I left Ryan’s house. I lied and said it was exactly what I thought it would be. I didn’t tell her that images of her were flooding my brain. I didn’t tell her I faked an orgasm. I didn’t tell her about the emptiness I felt when I put my clothes back on.

The day Peyton broke up with Logan she texted me after he left her house. It was the weekend before the second semester in ninth grade.

‘I just broke up with Logan.’ said Peyton’s text. I was surprised to read it and worried for what she was feeling. This was her first boyfriend and they dated for about three years. I wondered what happened to make her end it.

‘Are you okay? What happened?’ I replied. I walked down the stairs and put my shoes on. My parents weren’t home so I didn’t have to explain where I was going. I headed straight to Peyton’s with out even thinking twice. I held my phone in my hands waiting for her reply.

‘I guess. I’ll tell you when you get here.’ Peyton said assuming I would just be on my way. She knew me well enough to be right.

‘ok. see you soon.’ I replied. I ran the rest of the way. Being a cheerleader really keeps you in shape. I spent lots of time running with Peyton before school and on weekend mornings. I made it there quickly and just ran upstairs to her room. When I walked inside Peyton was crying on her bed curled into a ball. My heart broke a little to see her in so much pain. The sadness was overcome with anger, I would not allow Logan to hurt Peyton like this. I laid on the bed and cradled Peyton in my arms. Her body shook as she cried into my shoulder. I didn’t say anything I just held her silently letting her pain soak into me. After a little while Peyton’s crying slowed down and her breathing returned almost to normal. She pulled away and looked at me.

“I slept with Logan.” She said to me in a low whisper. I felt pain stab me in the heart as the words sank in. I had gotten so good at hiding my feelings I knew Peyton didn’t see my reaction.

“I slept with him and then after we put our clothes back on I broke up with him. I’ve been trying so hard to be what I’m supposed to be and I just don’t know if I can do it anymore. I’ve been hiding my feelings for so long and pretending to feel something that isn’t real, it’s really starting to fuck with me. It’s like I don’t know what’s real anymore….” Peyton explained and paused taking a deep breath. I kept my eyes glued to hers. I could see the truth in her eyes and knew where she was going. Everything we had been hiding was about to come out and I couldn’t feel more relieved or more panicked.

“The truth is, you know exactly what I’m trying to say and we’ve both been pretending nothings going on. I tried to give you time because I knew you weren’t ready to approach the situation and we were young… we’re still young.” Peyton continued. Even if I wanted to say something I couldn’t. I was frozen taking in every word Peyton was saying and trying not to close myself off and lock the door. Her hand moved onto my shoulder and my heart started beating faster.

“I pretend not to feel your heart race when we touch and you pretend it’s not happening. How long are we going to pretend? I don’t want to live a lie anymore, that’s why I broke up with Logan. When we had sex I closed my eyes and couldn’t even keep my mind in the room. I didn’t enjoy it and I didn’t feel anything inside. In the middle of everything I opened my eyes and saw Logan looking down at me with his full of love. I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t pretend to feel the same. I realized that I was only hurting him by keeping this going. I didn’t want to break his heart in this stupid game but I guess there’s nothing I can do about it now.” Peyton stared into my eyes looking for me to react in any way. I stared back unable to think of what to say.

Before I knew what was happening Peyton’s lips were kissing mine and her hands were slowly pushing my shoulders down against the bed. The electricity came instantly just like so many years ago. Her lips still tasted like cupcakes I thought when she pulled away slowly. She laid down next to me and sat up propping herself up on her elbow. She looked at me as if asking my permission as she moved to kiss me again. I didn’t stop her and she slid her leg over my body so that she was straddling me.

I couldn’t believe this was happening. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t dreamt of this before. She slowly moved her face close to mine and kissed my lips. I could feel the heat radiating from between her legs. I could smell her sweet raspberry scent and I breathed her in slowly. She slid her tongue into my mouth slowly tracing my lips. Every part of me began to tingle. I had never been so turned on in my life.

I thought about Ryan for a split second and he disappeared from my mind when Peyton slid her hands up my side and kissed down my cheek to my neck. We weren’t practicing at all anymore. Her fingers tangled in my hair and she sucked on my neck softly sending shocks from my neck down my arms and fingers and down the rest of my body. The electricity flowed stronger than ever and I could feel the heat rising inside me.

Her hands explored my body above my clothes and inside I begged her to take them off. Our kiss became so intense I felt as if we had melted into one another and hoped we could stay that way forever. Peyton pulled away slowly and stared into my eyes. For the first time in years I saw my best friend again.

“Promise we’ll always be best friends, no matter what happens tonight, or tomorrow or any other day.” Peyton said with her eyes locked on mine. I smiled at her and shook my head yes.

“I promise Pey. BFF’s.” I said to her. She kissed me as soon as the words left my mouth and slid her hand up my shirt. My boobs had gotten bigger over the years and so had Peyton’s. Mine were still bigger than hers but we both had impressive ladies. Mine were a large C cup and hers were a large B cup. I pulled up my shirt and Peyton stopped kissing me to help me pull it off. She kissed down my collar bone and a moan escaped from inside me.

Her hands were exploring my bare torso tracing my sides and drawing circles on my stomach. Electricity followed every line Peyton’s fingers traced. She slid her hand underneath my bra and massaged my chest slowly. I couldn’t help but move into her touch. When Ryan and I had sex I was always on top, always in control. Right now I was more vulnerable than I’d felt in my entire life. I was letting Peyton take control of our relationship and take control of me in her bed. For once it felt good to be vulnerable, I admitted to myself. Before I could think to myself any longer Peyton kissed down my chest and bit the top of my boob. I moaned softly and I moved up so she could take off my bra.

Peyton explored the curves of my breat with her tongue and slid down my stomach, kissing and biting soft and slow. I grabbed the sheets and dug my nails into them. I had never felt this intense before, I mean yeah I could get myself going with Ryan but my body had never reacted this way to his kisses. I looked down at Peyton’s auburn hair falling onto my stomach and wanted to run my fingers through it. I couldn’t pull my hands away from the sheets, if I touched her I might explode.

I wanted to let her take me over and see what she’d been waiting to do. I could barely believe this was happening. A part of me didn’t want to believe it was. I decided to push the fear down and finally let myself be free, at least for this moment. I’d deal with the fear in the morning.

Peyton sat up and pulled her shirt and bra off slowly, keeping her eyes locked on mine. Since Peyton and I kissed we pretty much stopped undressing around each other or at least turned away when we did. It wasn’t awkward, only because we both knew why it couldn’t happen anymore. Our cuddling was fully clothed since then.

This is the first time I’ve seen Peyton’s body almost fully matured, her stomach was flat and toned and her breasts were perky and full. I smiled at her and instantly slid my hands up her bare torso and around her back. I pulled her body down against mine and kissed her shoulders. I couldn’t stop myself any more, not with her letting it all out.

She pulled my head up and kissed my lips with one hand and slid the other into my pajama pants. My body moved into her touch instinctively. My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest and I started trembling. Peyton’s soft skin moved against mine and it tickled me in a good way. She traced her fingers along the top of my boy briefs before slowly moving inside. This was happening, I thought to myself. As soon as I felt her touch I couldn't stop the moans from escaping, I had lost control completely. Peyton grinded against me slowly and kissed me to keep me quiet.

"Shhh, shhhh, shhh. My parents are home." She whispered into my lips. Her hips set the rhythm for her hand, it was like she knew exactly where to touch, where to move and where to linger a little bit longer. It was almost as if she felt what I was feeling. One of my hands was at the nape of her neck pulling at her hair and the other was on her hip feeling her movements. I felt the room fall apart around me and the earth quake when I starting getting close to the edge.

"Ohhh...Peyytonn..." I breathed out as I climaxed. My legs trembled and my body collapsed, Peyton grinded into me slowly a few more times before collapsed on top of me letting out a loud fiery breathe. She laid her head on my shoulder. Her breathe was heavy and in sync with my own. Peyton had just made me come and I was pretty positive she did too. Every muscle in my body was relaxed, before I got the chance to think I drifted to sleep.