Soundtrack: Edge of Seventeen - Stevie Nicks
It was winter and my mind was
not in a good place.
After several disappointing interactions with other people, I had decided I had no desire to meet anybody new. I was content with the small group of people I knew, and didn't really feel like doing anything else than sit in my flat with my friend Annie, playing Grand Theft Auto, smoking weed and messing around with Annie's remote controlled helium balloon shark.
when I see it written out like that, it seems like life was
pretty sweet. I mean, if you
can read the words "remote controlled helium balloon shark"
without smiling, you clearly have no idea what fun is like.
Or maybe that's just the stoner in me talking.
The point being; Life was good. At least good enough.
and I go way back, a whole decade of mischief, debauchery and
Now it might sound like I'm trying to make us out to be some kind of hoodlum thugs, but I'm not. We were just a couple of geeks with too much time on our hands.
Yet, she was my partner in crime and thus perfect for wasting some time with, doing whatever we wanted.
We were both single - her being ferociously independent, not wanting anyone to get too close, and me.. Well.. Have you ever felt like you just couldn't connect to other people?
I've had that all my life. Family, friends, lovers - no one really made me care deeply. I would want them to be happy, but it wasn't an emotional concern for me.
Some sum it up as a lack of empathy, others would say I just don't understand other people's thoughts and emotions.
Whatever it was, it left me a bit robotic. When it came to relationships, I would get addicted to the adoration my partner would give me, but they were all replaceable. If one left, I could just pick another one from the line-up.
this really makes me sound like a douche. Then again, I probably
Anyway, after doing this for years, I had enough. No more failed connections, no more breaking people's heart for not being able to feel like I should.
My life would now consist of quiet reflection, cannabis and murdering people in a video game.
I remember turning to Annie one night and saying:
"Man, this is the life. Could it get any better than this?"
She looked at me with squinting, blood-shot eyes and a dopey grin on her face and replied:
"Probably. But this is awesome."
Then she ran over another old lady on the TV screen, as I tried to steer Hammar the balloon shark down towards her head whilst humming the theme from Jaws.
How could anyone want anything else from life? Who really needs it? Who wants love?
Not this guy. I didn't want it.
definitely not from a dude.