Today, I spent the whole day kayaking, pedaling each thought. After the long day, I lay in my bed, listening to "Les Pleurs". I couldn't help but to think of my father and how he passed away. He would of been so ashamed of me for all that I've done this year. And, as I was listening to this composition, I couldn't help but to feel so horrible. This year, I lost my virginity, and I gave it all up in attempt to figure myself out. And, where do I stand? I stand completely confused of my sexuality still. I hate myself for all that I've done. Oh, God, what have I done? Yet, I still know nothing. I just wish that my mother would have never conceived me. I just wish God would have never thought of bringing someone as horrible as me into this world. And, I was brought yet without me having a say. I've done everything against God's will. I deserve death, humility, and punishment to all ends. Oh, God, punish me as you will! I am unworthy of thee.
Why, why did it have to be this way? Why does there have to be good and evil? Why does there have to be wrong and right? Why does there have to be love? I'm seeing this one guy. I really like him, but I can't help but to feel so bad that I shouldn't be talking to him. I'm going to end up hurting him. I shouldn't be with him. Why do I love him? This world, it just doesn't make any sense to me. I hold back tears, tears of humiliation, tears of shame, tears of hate for myself, tears of sadness, tears of dispair. I will never be healed of my disease, my disorder, my possession. Why does it have to be this way? Why can't me loving him be neither good or evil? Why can me being with him be neither wrong or right?
I just wish sometimes I would die; so that I may begin my interminable fait of condemnation. I was created in a way such that I deserved not to be loved, not to love, but most of all not to be happy. I hold back choosing to take initiative in all these things, because I am predesitined for my fait to end this way. There's no reason for me to do so. The worst part is that I know God, but unlike the way people know of God. So, in my mind, lives haunting thoughts, and acknowledgement of what is to come of my actions. Oh, God, just take my life now will you. Save me from the discomfort of displeasing you any longer.
The worst in this all, I don't know why, why it all has to be like this. And, who knows, will I ever know why, will I ever get an explanation, before my sentence to hell?