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The Sordid Tale of Three Catholics

Poetry By: twitchymurdoch
Gay and lesbian



The "Office Drama in Limericks" stories are the only things I plan on submitting here. I'm not an aspiring writer, so please don't critique me too harshly. During the summer, I work at the Catholic Center for our diocese (which means the Catholic headquarters for a region) as a secretary. When I'm bored at work I write these limericks, many based on my actual coworkers, and almost always with a gay/lesbian theme and religious undertones. I can't show them to anyone at work, for obvious reasons, so I'm posting here for your amusement. I try to avoid slant rhyme, as I think it's somewhat cheating. Also, every line works rhythmically in a limerick format, you just have to change the way you say it. I promise, it does. Anyway, enjoy!


Submitted:Jul 8, 2011    Reads: 174    Comments: 0    Likes: 0   


Office Drama in Limericks

"The Sordid Tale of Three Catholics"

Katie was Troy's secretary

He was married, so he was always wary

Troy had a small crush

And would always blush

When she bended to lift books she would carry

Katie had seventeen sons

By no means was she one of the nuns

But a Vietnamese sister

One Tuesday just kissed her

And Katie grabbed her by the buns

Soon Katie loved Sr. Bernadette

It was like she was caught in a net

She fell so quickly

Her family thought she was sickly

And just a wink made her wet

It was easy to see why she fell

Bernadette was as sexy as hell

Oh that tight little habit

Made you want to grab it

And her foxy ass rang Katie's bell

But dear Katie's a good Catholic girl

She was just all caught up in the whirl

Oh the mess she was in

Cheating must be a sin

But 'twas the dyke part that made her want to hurl

So with odd twisted logic she thought

"Well I know my boss thinks I am hot"

"If I go all the way"

"Then I'm not really gay"

"And in Hell I won't have a spot"

Well this is why Christians are laughed at

Some screw up all reason just like that

Katie thought being gay

Was much worse than, say

Cheating when her husband got fat

So in order to rid her of guilt

(She surely must, or she would wilt)

It would redeem her

If she had her boss ream her

Until all his seed had been spilt

So Katie just thought she would see

If the redhead showed a little more knee

If Troy would come 'round

And act just like a hound

By ripping her shirt off with glee

Now Troy also did have a wife

With whom he was stuck to for life

But he'd never cheat

So when Katie showed heat

He was internally filled full of strife

Katie crooned, "Oh, Mr. Casteel"

(While licking her lips) "If you'd steal"

"A look at my behind"

"I sure wouldn't mind"

"In fact, the thought makes me squeal"

Troy's heart pounded hard in his chest

Now his mind he could never let rest

He did have his honor

But the chance to climb on her

Well, the thought surely must be his best

Katie called a halt with her Ling

(That's her given name, Bernadette is just bling)

Ling felt so sad

And got a little bit mad

For she really did treasure her fling

Bernadette felt humiliated

Katie was the sole one she'd dated

In all of her schools

She had played by the rules

And gotten a life that she hated

At 14 Ling came to the U.S.

Because Vietnam was a mess

She had nowhere to stay

So with nuns she did pray

Because on the streets she'd eat less

So Ling married Jesus at 20

Before she could earn any money

Bernadette she became

They forgot her real name

And the whole time she wanted some cunny

Ling didn't know what she was

For the longest time ever, because

If she talked about sex

In a convent, she'd vex

The Great Mother, who knows what she does

And so Ling grew up and she studied

Religion 'til her mind was muddied

Eventually she found work

At the Catholic Center with the perk

Of another woman with whom she'd be buddied

This other nun was very nice

She always let Ling win at dice

But she was a huge dyke

And to Father Mike

That meant she stood on thin ice

And no, Bernadette didn't do her

She was too shy to let the butch screw her

But one day, she fucked up

She brought her pride cup

To the office and then said, "Good day, sir!"

Well that was the very last straw

Now no one could ignore her flaw

The priest rushed to fire

This sweet young muff diver

And Ling never forgot what she saw

So Bernadette resolved to think straight

Or better, an asexual state

But when Katie got hired

She didn't care if she got fired

Ling thought Katie was her one true mate

For two years Ling kept it in her pants

She tried to take an androgynous stance

It grew harder and harder

'Til she felt like a martyr

And would rather have been punished by lance

Bernadette tried so hard to resist

While Katie's lips begged to be kissed

When she entered a room

Bernadette saw her doom

And when she left she was instantly missed

But Bernadette knew what to do

Prayer and fasting was the answer she knew

So with all her might

She tried so hard to fight

The thought that what she'd been taught wasn't true

"Condoms have a 90% failure rate"

"And more than that if you're not straight!"

"Pray to God to be pure"

"Or the Devil will lure"

"You to kiss before you're 68!"

So with fasting Bernadette grew so thin

And was intensly obsessed with her sin

Until one Tuesday the ginger

Touched her arm which unhinged her

Christ couldn't stop her before she gave in

And suddenly it all was just fine

Those few days when Kate called her "mine"

Surely something so good

Could not be evil, but should

Ling didn't hesitate to call it divine

But of course it all went to hell

It had to, 'twas going so well

Katie saw a burnt pine

And thought it was a sign

And realised 'twas her soul she did sell

So back at the ranch, Troy was horny

And Katie was acting so thorny

With a sexual sound

Her boss she did astound

With a phrase so cliche, it was corny:

"Voulez-vous couchez avec moi?"

Katie whimpered and Troy dropped his jaw

This was so absurd

He couldn't utter a word

You coudn't cut the tension with a saw

Ling had so much more patience than Troy

Can we blame it on being a boy?

For two minutes, not years

Did he wrestle tears

Before giving in with pure joy

"Oh fuck, this is good", Katie groaned

She touched Troy again and he moaned

He was the boss in his head

But Kate took over in bed

Though the bed was the desk that he owned

And of course who would walk in but Ling

Her eyes closed as she felt a sharp sting

Katie felt a bit bad

That she'd made Ling so sad

And Troy flinched as he looked at his ring

Troy said that it would be best

If Katie dismounted and dressed

So that's what she did

She felt like a bad kid

Troy panicked, Ling just looked depressed

"So, what happened then?" you may ask

Well, Katie lived life through a mask

She told not a soul

About her lustfull stroll

Through the tunnel of sin, to her cask

As for Troy, he didn't stay married

He shared all the guilt that he carried

His wife couldn't cope

She thought there was no hope

So her wedding dress and vows she buried

This turned out to be a good thing

When Troy finally sold his gold ring

He felt great relief

And held the belief

That he wanted more, just like Ling

Bernadette disappeared in the night

And never came back into sight

But one summer day

Ling emerged, flaming gay!

And for gay rights and marriage she did fight

Epilogue

Such a long story must have a moral

Something better than saying, "Don't quarrel!"

But it seems to me

That the end ought to be

A quick lesson on how to give oral

Here is Muff Muching 101:

(For my skills are second to none)

Just lick, lick, lick, lick

'Til she's panting and slick

And then with her holes have some fun!

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