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Untitled (Part 3 of Compilation)

By: 060811

Page 1, Last part of a compilation.

 

Alexandria,

Do you remember me? Your ‘one and only’, your ‘future’, your ‘everything’? Of course you don’t, because you're too busy making out with your sexually confused boyfriend. You aren’t a very good actress by the way…. Everyone sees the disgust on your face although you try to convince them that you love him. But, was he there for you when your parents found out your meth and marijuana use and YOUR sexuality? No. I was. I didn’t go to school for weeks because I was too busy visiting you in the mental hospital, making sure that you were okay. I was too busy trying to keep you happy by being as supportive as I possibly could. Did you forget about all I did for you? Did you forget about our first time…? When I gave myself up to you and let you see the most private parts of me… not just sexually, but emotionally too.. did you forget about that? You told me that moment was perfect, and that you would never forget it. But that’s exactly what you did.

I know you cared and still care, Alexandria. Stop trying to hide the fact that you love me. Well, I just want to believe that you still care and love me, because I need someone to take away this crippling pain. I’m lying on the floor with blood oozing out of the open wounds on my forearm… praying for you to come rushing through the door and save me. To save me from myself… because I’m constantly fighting something in myself. A monster. My past, my depression, my mind. I have no idea how I’m supposed to let go of my past… because for one, you were in it, and because my past is what made me who I am today. I can’t let go of my depression, because it has some sort of control over me. And my mind? Well… I’ve basically already let go of it. I’m insane… at least I feel like I’m insane. But then again… it’s sane to know you’re insane, right?

            Ever since my dad died 4 years ago, you know how hard it has been for me to take care of my brother all by myself. He constantly asks where dad is… and it kills me inside. He stopped asking about mom because he knows that she’s too busy for us. He misses her of course, but he’s gotten used to the fact that she just isn’t around much anymore. I don’t blame her though, because it’s hard for me to stay here too. Everything reminds me of my dad, even my little brother. I was so close to my dad, and I’m even closer to my brother because I’m basically his mother-figure, and he’s the only one ever around the house. It’s hard to juggle all of these responsibilities at school and at home… I just can’t take it anymore. It’s so much stress. I love my little brother, but he can’t depend on me for the rest of his life. I need to bring my mom’s attention back on her child… he needs her, not me…

You’re the only one that can save me at this point. You saved me once before… at the bridge. You were the only one who stopped me and gave me a second chance at life. You were there for me when I was my most fragile… and I thank you for that. I had been contemplating suicide for a year and some days… and I was ready to just stop all of the pain. I had nowhere else to turn… but I ended up in your arms. You calmed me for the time that you were around. What did I do wrong? Is it my fault that you left? Was I not supportive enough? Was I too depressed? Was our relationship too much stress for you? So many questions that I know will be left unanswered, just like my cries for help.

I’m to blame, I know. It’s all my fault. It’s my fault you got caught with drugs and it’s my fault your parents found out about your sexuality. It’s even my fault that Jeremy is on the streets… because if I was a slight bit more different, then maybe… just maybe, you would’ve stayed with me. If you would’ve stayed with me, then John would’ve still been in love with Jeremy… instead of watching the poor guy he once loved starve on the streets. Does he still love him? I suppose you're the only person who knows… because I know you aren’t in love with Jeremy. It’s just a façade both of you are using to seem normal, although both of you are far from it. It all just comes back down to me, though. If I was just a bit different… you would’ve saved me from all of this pain.

But I can tell you know you made a mistake. I see it in those empty blue eyes of yours… I see that you’re slowly dying. I know your smile is fake, because you always force it onto your face when you see me. You’re only making this decision so much easier. Knowing that you go out of your way to hurt me just shows how little you care. I was ready to give up so much for you. I knew you were afraid of your sexuality, and I told you it was okay, and that we could leave Holcomb for some place more accepting. Was it really that hard to just tell me you wanted to stay a secret? I would’ve been perfectly okay with that. But no… instead you left me empty and alone. I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself. I don’t know how I’m going to go on.

This is my final goodbye. I’m not sure when you’ll read this, if ever, but just know that I’m long gone. I’ve gone somewhere safe… Somewhere I don’t have to be afraid anymore…

I love you, Alexandria. I’ll be here for you, always.

-Amy Jade.

***

Dotting her signature, she stood and folded the letter into three. She gently placed the letter on the pillow her father gave her two years before his death. His memory overwhelmed her, and as tears began to blur her vision, she walked out of the front door. Blood steadily dripped from her forearm as she closed the door behind her and began the journey to the place where plan was no more.

Despite the gravel cutting her feet, Amy Jade did not cringe nor did she slow her pace. Her breathing had become irregular, as her body was an empty corpse now. By bringing these waves of pain onto a girl already riddled with scars, Alexandria led her to this point. The point where she wasn’t only contemplating suicide, but where she was going to act.

***

That icy cold water reminds me of the cold that came over me the moment you left. I never did anything wrong, but you sure as hell made me feel like I did. It’s not all your fault, though. I don’t think it’s anyone’s fault but my own. My dad did nothing wrong by dying, and my mom did nothing wrong by shutting her children out because she just couldn’t live in our house anymore. My brother did nothing wrong by depending on me… all he wanted was someone to take care of him. Maybe I shouldn’t jump… because then he’ll have to deal with his dad and big sister dying. But… the water is just calling my name. It wants to eliminate my pain… it wants to help. Just one more breath. I placed my foot over the edge, and leaned forward. I closed my eyes and felt pain for the last time as the water crashed into my body. 

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