Chapter 1: The Dating
Hi, my names Jesse! I would just like to start off by saying that
I'm a 16 year old guy and I'm gay. Yes, I'm proud of it of course
but it has ruin part of my life that I had with me for years. It
sucks because I'm losing friends that's been with me through
thick and thin since like forever. But before I go into all of
that let me start off with how I found out about my sexuality.
Okay, here it goes. When I was younger like around the age 4-11,
I have always had a hard time figuring out how to "get" a girl.
And at that same time I was trying to figure out if it was wrong
to also like another guy. I came upon this problem mainly because
I started to like other guys when I was around them. And then I
was wondering how would everyone be if everyone walked around bum
naked...would everyone start liking each other for their bums
(personal fetish of mines, so I thought everybody might have
it)?, would everyone start shaming everyone? or would it just be
really wierd and creepy?
Well, everyday around those ages I had those kinds of thoughts.
So I didn't know what to do. So all throughout grade school and
middle school, even though it was kinda tough for me to "get" a
girl, I tried experementing with a few of them. Meaning that I
dated a few girls and try to see if I could actually fall in love
with them (if I actually liked them in any way). But all ended up
the same, no feelings, no love, shame, guilt. I guess I felt this
way cause I felt like i lied to someone that actually probably
liked me, but I had no feelings for them. And hate feeling that
way cause I actually want to be in a relationship that has both
efforts of love from persons in that commited situation.
So around the age of 14, I met this girl, who was a friend to
this guy I...tell you about him later, but a friend to his girl
friend so they thought we should go out. The reason for that is
because when we all like hanging together, my friend and his girl
friend went to a little spot for some "alone" time with her (not
sexually though). So I was kinda left alone with her (which felt
really, really awkward cause I'm kinda like the silent one in the
group of my friends cause have conversations between them about
things I don't know about). But anyways, she started playing some
music from her phone and she was trying to "twerk" (I guess thats
what the call it these days). So she like tried to do it while
standing on this horizontal parking pole (or whatever it is). But
she needed help a little bit. So I went over and let her hold on
to my shoulders as she tried to "twerk". It was kind of funny
actually cause she almost busted her bum so many times (me and
her were laughing our bums off). So after awhile she started
hugging and as she hugged me she grabbed my bum (which felt
really awkward and weird)and then looking at me with these crazy
looks (not crazy but like love wise).
I knew she kinda liked me but I didn't want to ask her or tell
her my true feelings. But then my friends pulled me away from her
and told me I should go otu with her but I didn't know what to do
if I did. So a little after we talked, I basically was forced to
ask her and it felt pretty damn wierd for me to even just say the
words, "Do you wanna go out with me?". She quickly responded with
a "Yes" and then I was in another relationship with another girl
that i did not have feelings for.
After a couple of days of cuddling and talking and what not. I
had to break it off, but my friend wouldn't let me because he was
going out with her friend at the same time and he didn't want her
to break up with him if we broke up. So I stayed with her for a
little bit longer but not really talking to her or anything.
Until one day as me and my friends were leaving their house one
night, I forgot my hoodie. So we turned around and went back to
go get it. And the as we were reading quietly back down another
street, we saw her on someone's else's porch hugging up another
guy with her friend (not that I actually cared). So I told him
with a stern look, "I'm definantly breaking up with her and I
don't give a shit what you say!". He said to me, "Alright man, do
what you gotta do."
So next day we went over to their house and I pulled the girl
that I was going out with to the side. I asked her in a serious
way like I cared, "Why were you hugging up with that guy last
night on that porch?". Of course she tried to play around like
she wasn't, then I told her how I saw what happened. She ended up
telling me what happened and then why she was talking I said,
"I'm threw with you, don't talk to me no more!" and walked away
(again, like I cared). So we never talked again, but now she's
trying to tell many people that she was paid 5 flimsy dollars to
go out with me and I just simply say that, "You woman, are simply
a prostitute for going out with me for 5 bucks." I mean if she's
going to lie about it at least say higher than that like 20 or 25
bucks or something.