In the morning, your face is the first thing I see before I even open my eyes. I found it incredibly difficult to let go of what I felt for you. It's been years since we've met and from that very first day, that single glance I took of you, you caught me off guard. The worst part is that I let you in my life too. I wish I hadn't. I wish I was put in a different school or maybe at least a different class because seeing you was torturous. It was like someone took me up a mountain, showed me the most beautiful view, and left knowing that I could never have it for my own. But you know what, because the strong feelings took over me, I tried my best to bear the pain because even though I'm getting hurt, I still wanted to see you. I wanted to see your face and hear your voice. Your presence became a drug.
We became friends in the7th grade a few days after school started. I remember how we did: you heard me singing. You were smiling as I sang. So I thought, Oh, okay. So I make you happy when I sing? I'll keep doing it then. You even named me "The Human iPod."I looked at you weird then but subconciously, I guess I took it the way you expected me to. Being "just friends" was never enough for me though but it wasn't like I could do anything about it.You had a boyfriend at the time and I'm sure that if I told you how I felt, even when you weren't with anyone, I'd lose you. Either that or you'd feel sympathetic for me.I couldn't let that happen so I just stayed friends with you. You even became a very close friend of mine but I guess not that close because I didn't tell you everything. I had this phase in the middle of our 8th grade year when I wanted to do completely nothing with you. I wanted everything between us erased. But then one day, Igot really sick and had tobe taken to the hospital. I missed school for a week and when I came back, you came running to me for a hug. The night before, you even called to check up on me. I was happy to know that you cared but even then, I still wished for things to change.As much as I liked you, and liked seeing you happy and everything, I hated it. I hated everything about your happiness. I hated how I was never a part of it.Or maybe I was; I gave you advice when you needed it for some other guy.I hated seeing you being happy with somebody else. It was too painful. I especially hated it when you would tell me that you loved me or that you missed me. It wasn't that I was too proud to recipcorate those sweet things you tell me. It's just that I wanted to be realistic. I didn't want to hear those words come out of your mouth and know that it just means "as friends." I'd rather you not say it at all. I bet that would hurt me a little less.
Summer vacation before we went into highschool, you had just broken up with your now ex. I was happy deep down inside but obviously, I didn't show it. There was this program at our new school called HMT. It was for students who wished to know how it was like at that school before school really started. We both went, and thankfully, I was only there for a week because I was going on vacation all the way on the other side of the world. I heard someone liked you at the school and that you wanted to know who he was. After I had left the country, we kept in touch. I missed your birthday again and in a way, I was glad because when we were talking online, you told me that you two kissed.Even though the time difference was almost 24 hours, I stood up all through the night for you, talking to you about this boy that you might actually like. It hurt...a lot but I still loved you so whatever, right? School was going to start soon when I got back. As soon as the plane landed, I rushed to your place. I wanted to see you. I missed you. Obviously, I didn't tell you that. You would've just mocked me.
When highschool started, you began dating that boy you talked to me about over the summer. I was distraught. I didn't know how else I could get you alone so I could talk to you "as friends" because he was always there with you. I didn't want to see you hanging around him so I just stayed away from you completely, hoping that my feelings, after all these years, would just magically go away. Unfortunately, those feelings, I'm afraid, I would have to carry with me to my dying days.
After maybe a few months of dating, the boy you were with cheated on you twice with a close friend of yours. You were badly hurt and your tears ran down my shoulders. I shared your grief and even though you were badly hurt, I think I was hurting more than you were. Nothing hurts more than knowing you can treat the one you love way better than the one they're with but you know that not even after a million years, you won't ever get the chance to show them. You two lasted for one more year but even after that, I knew that there will be another one for you and that no way in hell would that ever be me.
Remember when I got drunk at your 16th birthday party? That was not my stupidity acting up; itwas an experiment. I thought that if I was out of my head, I could get your attention. It worked. You even gave me a peck on the lips. It happened to be the very best night of my whole existence. Unfortunately, it meant nothing. Not to you anyway. I wanted to know if I could change that so I got drunk again but this time, I was the one who initiated it. I was the one who kissed you. And remembering it now hurts. Why? Because during the kiss,you pushed me away from you. Then, when I started to sober up, you told me that our kiss proved to you that you will never be with a girl because "it feels weird." I then realized that you really can never be mine. Not now. Not ever.
I guess you're the reason why drinking became an addiction of mine. I'm not blaming you though. Drinking masked my feelings for a while. It was an attempt to drown my sorrows but no one told me that sorrows can swim. Whenever I would go back to normal, there you were at the corner of my mind again. I could never not think about you. The thought of myself gradually turning into an alcoholic just saddened me even more. So now, I chose to put myself out of my own misery. I wish I was as strong as you always thought I was. I hope you read this one day and know that I've always loved you. If you haven't already noticed, I was always there when you needed me. I dropped everything I was doing whenever you called because I found you that important. And since I know it would mean so much to you if I actually said it, here. I'll say it. I love you. I love you more than you could ever know.
"No, this isn't real," Megan said as she crumpled up the letter, tears ran down her face, "she wouldn't do this!"
"Hey, what is it? What happened?" Nate asked.
Megan fell on her knees and Nate wrapped his arms around her.
"She's dead because of me," Megan said as she wept.
"No, it's not. Everything's gonna be fine," Nate said, trying to comfort Megan.
"I don't understand. She told me she was fine... I hung out with her the other day. She was neutral like always...Sh-she said... She said nothing was wrong! This is my fault! I should've--"
"Ssshhh. It's okay. I'm sure she's happy now," Nate said, cutting off Megan.
Since the day Megan read the letter, not a day went by that Hayden did not cross her mind. Megan visited herat the cemetery everyday, told her how her day went and how she was doing. Megan talked at Hayden's grave for hours and made sure that she left a lit up candle before she leaves each time she visited.