Forbidden love forever, wished for friendship never
She sat staring mindlessly out of the window, waiting for the winds to capture the words to paint a picture, however the perfect phrases seemed to float on by. The dreary weather, shaded with grey skies and a sunless sky were a fitting backdrop for this tale of woe. The water glistened against the window as a representation of tears uncried, the pounding of the resonating rain was a comfort, like the scent of a fresh start.
Her mind had tormented her with half-truths and illusions for years, she had followed hope down treacherous paths that seemed to deceive and alter the reality, seeing the world through rose glasses painted her naivety on a billboard above a bustling highway. She suddenly fought the urge to engage in reminiscing, the magical memories somehow seemed to lack their silver-lining, the sacred friendship became tainted by metamorphosing into a sordid secret and in a flash of realization Truth blinded her.
In a stunned state, she battled to regain momentum the ghosts of yesteryears danced and chanted around her and she became dizzy with the criticizing confusion. She held on even when it hadn’t been requested, she had hoped against odds, she had been fought through the deafness of silence, she had endured the humiliation, she has suffered in the name of belief. Belief in a person, belief that a person had altered her heart, belief that that person would remain there forever and belief that a friendship was unique, one of a kind and out of this world. The kind of friendship that you find dancing in the midnight sky playing catch with the mysterious man in the moon.
She had wished with all her heart that somehow things would have changed, maybe they both would’ve grown or maybe that would’ve outgrown the conflicting feelings they had felt for one another. She had almost felt the simplicity of a second chance of friendship knocking, she smiled when she remembered their initial conversations, their attempts to disguise or disregard the underlying issues of the forces that would always pull them apart. The sharp silver sword of judgment that seemed to swing both ways, the armor that encased their hardened hearts and their words imprisoned by pride and one slip of that tempting truth brought the second chance crumbling down to the ground. She thought… it must be hard to love someone and disagree with the way they live, and disagree with a part of who they are and dislike them simultaneously for once making you just as disagreeable.
Maybe she had found a shooting star in all this dismal despair, the person on the pedestal was just human and had errs just like all the rest of us, it had recently dawned her she had passed unfair judgment on her long lost friend and maybe she hadn’t taken the time to listen carefully or attempt to comprehend. She was just tired of being shunned as the momentous mistake, the hidden entity and the unacknowledged friend. Good enough for something, never enough for others. She had just wanted all of this to have meaning and purpose, to know she had made a difference. Love, friendship, lives are never just rainbows and fireworks yet they shouldn’t be constant battle fields either, it shouldn’t hurt to love someone… even if it is just as a friend…even if that is a lie we tell ourselves… “Friendship often ends in love, but love in friendship very rarely”
“Have you ever had one of those times when you’ve clutched a pen or something else in your hand for a long time, only to look down and be surprised that you are still holding it after your need for it had passed, you’ll understand sometimes we get so use to holding on that we forget to let go….”