When I moved from 40 acres to a little apartment in what I would call large town I became bored out of my mind. Moving has to be one of the toughestachievementsin my life. My second greatestachievementin my life has been coming out of the closet and sharing my stories with others. However there was a death threatening price to pay before I finally became who I am today. There is going toinevitably be more changes in my life as I grow older through adulthood. There were paths to make to adult hood and I could of and still could choose a socially disturbing path.
I have always fought with the question of what constitutes or defines socially disturbing. We all know it is different from China than what it might be in an unknown tribe in Africa. In general a society or community sooner or later decides or even proofs scientifically that your lifestyle will lead to a soon death or even worse, a miserable rest of your life. This very well could have and if I don't keep it in mind could be my future life.
My future life as well as my life now has something very much in common with each other. That is, may I remind again, that I am a homosexual. This is something I couldn't control. If I lied to myself trying to convince myself I was straight and could change my sexual orientation, it is said that I would risk damaging my mind.
There is more than one way in which your mind can become demented and a toy to the cruel unforgiving world around us. There are drugs, child abuse, murder, suicide, verbal bashing, domestic violence, and a plethora of extreme ways in which one could go severely wrong by trying to counteract the stress in their life. The worse thing on my conscious is what I tried to do and have thought about doing. These thoughts are frightening disturbing and tarnish upon my name.
This tarnish came to be when I moved and lost my friends because of lack of contact. People just don't call. These incorrect thoughts and actions not onlyoccurredbecause I never looked for help but because there was no help I could personally trust. I had the dirty secret of being gay. I needed to talk to other people who were like me and theseembarrassments which I have not disclosed unraveled when I entered the gay online community.
Myspace, espin the bottle, and other social networking sites have become an orgy for many who can't control their sexual tendencies. I came into a community in which I now see a profound problem when I came looking for support. My mind was too young yet. If it hadn't been for the views upon my sexual orientation in the first place I would not have gone to the online community to make secret gay sites in the first place. Even worse a welcoming of cum and sexual explicit material exploded on the screen before me and I was thrilled.
The hot guy who is half naked thinks I am cute and wants to see me naked. Fuckmeone wants to be friends on myspace. Hotboi69 sent me a message. gayboi wants to know where I live. Bigjohnf asked how many times I've jacked off. Hotpics wants to trade pics. bigdaddyg wants to know how old I am and when my birthday is. The gay online community can't carry on a conversation and will even block you if you refuse to give into this hypnotically sadistic peer pressure.
I fell for this at the young age of 14 andevery time I see a young kid online I just want to cry. I am not a crying type of person. I may bitch and complain with my words but I haven't cried in three years. Someone needs to cry out to this demented world and say stop. Stop creeping on the young boys on myspace who may just be possibly human and may actually be going through a living fucking hell called earth!
I have a place in this hell. I have been no better than anyone I am feuding at in this moment in time. I may be nice and cheerful but sometimes when I laid in bed at night looking at porn I thought what if someone else felt just as shitty as me. I mean I am evil for being gay. I am wrong for trading pics online with all these guys at one time. I have no chance oropportunityto move forward because I am a faggot; I am stupid, a butt fucker, retarded, sinful, morally wrong, and all the other names spatted at me to this day by my friends and my family. It's not the media that grabs my heart and tears into my soul and says fuck you. It’s the people I am close to. What if someone that I am close to felt this same pain.
I reached out to help others who had a wrenched heart and I started wanting to become a psychologist. My cousin had been having a really tough time and that is who I began to target sexually. The first time we were playing truth or dare. We spilled each others guts to each other about our personal lives. Than I got this wretched idea as I lied to him when he asked about who I had liked. Myterribleidea was to see him naked and have him see me naked. So the dares went on and I told him to dare me to put a fish hook in my privates. He was looking at them when I faked doing it by starting to scream. Than I dared him to lay in the covers naked and I said I would not look but I came in on purpose when he was nude.
The second time I sexually molested my younger cousin was when we were watching porn upon my lead. That night we were outside and we had been running when I decided to pull his pants down. That night I told him I was gay and we both watched our different types of porn and got off. I had reached for him several times that night he avoided me but than sat on me in order to get me off his bed. I jacked off as he sat there.
The third time was when he was down here outside the twin cities and we were watching a video together. We both had lap top access and we again watched porn and got off. Again I reached for my own cousin. No I did not realize to any level what I was doing. I just got a jolly off from it.In factI distinctly remember thinking that I was going to turn my cousin gay by doing this. Or at least make him understand what being gay was all about. I had the idea it was about watching porn and having sex.
The fourth time was a real fucking genius move on my part. I specifically remember planningdecisivelythat I was going to offer him money to have sex with me. I remember planning a trip to the circus and thinking as I sat there the whole time what I had intended to do with my straight cousin who was dating a girl. My cousin had already had a hell of his own to deal with. I wanted to have sex with him. That became my only goal in my life. I wanted to have sex with my own cousin. Who does that? Why? How do we prevent it? My cousin pushed me away and got physically defensive and started raising his voice. I did not get my way so my next option was to kill myself because I felt I knew my cousin was going to rat me out.
So why am I telling you this you ask me? Why are you so messed up you ask me? Oh my god you little piece of shit you say to me. Well, it is worth me telling someone because it got worse. My mind has gone to places nothing should go. It went farther. It went to thinking about children. I became a sexual predator upon children because I in my mind fantasized about children. I felt I could get them. I attempted googling underage pornography and fantasized about kids.
Why? Is it really all my fault? It is worth my current pain to tell this. It is worth being shunned by my family. It isn't worth defending or making right. It isn't worth forgiveness from the most affectionate of a God. It isn't worth telling for the rest of eternity. But, it is worth reading. It is worth learning from. It is worth understanding. It is worth, more than ever, preventing.
I get sickevery timeI see a person who is at that same young age as I was posing without a shirt on a gay myspace profile.
To read more by Jacob Woods check out his blog Good as Gay at http://goodasgay.blogspot.com