What makes you beautiful -One direction
Let me introduce myself my name is Mariah.
Another day goes by and I always end up leaving, my self feeling so horrible. I want to ask her out but I'm afraid of what her reaction will be .I have written so many notes to ask her out but, always leave myself feeling disappointed with myself .I have tried asking her out in person but I have a such a huge fear of rejection that I can never bring my self to ask her. Another day wasted and all it does is make me feel more like crap every day I wait.
The only way that I have found to relieve all this tension is to cut, and no I'm not just saying that so you will feel sorry for me .Each day I give my self two cuts just to relieve the tension. Its been over a year since I fell in love with her. I only started to cut few months ago .I go to get my knife out and I to take a freezing cold shower.I always try to find new ways to make the pain worse.I started to become a masochist, I can’t believe my ears, I always have been the one person in my group that is against self harm but look at me now .Every one in my group still thinks that I never cut, and I want it to stay that way.
Ever since I meet her my mood has just been going down hill.I have dated other girls and guys but none as ever given the feeling of want when I am around her.Without her I feel like I'm slowly dying, I just can’t stand to be without her.I try my best to see if she is into girls but she is a hard nut to crack.The weird thing is that she is my best friend, but I love her and I can’t figure out if she likes me back.I have to tried my best to ask her out in person but I always chicken out beforehand .I have written over 50 different notes to her, but I can never bring myself to give them to her.I am always afraid of what she will think of me if she says no.
Suddenly I hear a banging on the door, its my mother she doesn’t know that I cut and I would like to keep it that way.She thinks that I am perfect.I decided it is time to get out I make sure that I have rinsed all the blood from my wrist and shower.As I walk my mom is there and says that I have a visiter.I wonder who it is as I get dressed.When I walk out she was there looking more beautiful than I have ever seen her.She asked if I could do her a favor.She asked me if I could take her somewhere in my car .Of course I said yes and I asked where she wanted and she said to a date. Immediately I was heart broken, another reason why I could never ask was because she was dating someone.
I know Cassie right it is such a girly name right, my real name is cassandra.Anyways back to the story.
As I walked to Mariah’s I was thinking why was I always dating some.I never knew why it was such a habit now.I was going over to her house to see if she could take me a date because my car was broken.When I asked her she suddenly became sad.She always got that look of sadness in her eyes when I talked about they guy I was dating at the time.I never understood why.when we went out places to go have fun she was always lively and happy, but when she took me to go to a date she always seemed depressed .Finally we were there at the movies, I practically jumped out of the car .As I was closing the door she mumbled something, as always I asked what she said .She said it was nothing, but I knew better. She was stubborn and I knew it was pointless to bug her about it.During the whole time in the movies I kept finding my self wondering what Mariah said.Tony kept bugging me because I kept zoning out.When the date was over I called Mariah to see if she could take me home.She said yes and asked if I wanted to stay the night cause her house was closer than mine .I said yes and about ten minutes later she arrived.She looked that she had been crying but I didn’t tell her because she looked already on edge.
When we arrived her mom meet us at the door, I asked her if it was okay for me to spend the night and she said yes since it was a saturday.When we went inside she fell onto the bed and said that she had something to ask me.
When we got to the movies as she got out I accidentally said I love her.She didn’t hear me and I was glad.She said bye and I took off I went home and I started to cut myself again all the time I was crying because I couldn’t tell her.She called and asked if I could pick her up, and I said yes.I hung up and quickly cleaned myself up.As I walked out I looked at myself in the mirror, I looked like crap.I got there about ten minutes later .All the time it was silent, when we got home she asked my mom to make sure it was okay for her to spend the night.She said yes.
she asked why I was crying because I looked like crap.I said that I was crying because i stubbed my pinkie toe really hard.She brushed it off.She went to my closet and looked through my clothes for some pjs I didn’t really care.We both got dressed and she asked me why I cut.I wasn’t ready to tell her yet, so I didn’t give her an answer.She got mad and said fine I understand personal problems.
We started talking and she thanked me for taking me to the movies.I said no problem, then she asked me why I always seem sad when I take her to dates.I denied being sad when I take her but she knew better.She said I could tell her anything, but I wasn’t ready but I knew it was now or never.
I asked why she was always sad when she takes me to dates and of course she denied it.But she seemed deep in thought she suddenly got up and went to her closet.
She pulled out an old shoe box.She sat down next to me, and said if I show you this promise not to judge me? I said yes you are my best friend .I asked why would I judge you because of this? She said look and find out.As I started to open the box She suddenly got up and went to the bathroom.All I found in the box was a diary with both of our names on it and A whole bunch of papers .I Started to look through the papers in the diary and all found page after page was love letters that were supposed to be to me.I was wondering why she never gave them to me? As I started to rummage through some of the loose leaf papers I found some of them had blood on them.One was a suicide note saying that because she could never ask me out that she was going to kill herself, right then I started to bust into tears.
As I run into the bathroom I found her against the wall with the word useless carved into her arm.She was crying and I cradled her against me and I said I love her.I asked why she was crying and all I heard was “I’m useless”.Through tears I said your not worthless because you have someone that loves you, And she is sitting right next to you.She looked up and immediately started to kiss me and I didn’t resist her, because even I had a dark secret.I helped her clean up and bandage herself.We both made it to bed and we slept right next to each other.For the first time I saw her fall asleep with a smile.
I woke and I had a dream that I told her how I felt.Only it didn’t feel like a dream.suddenly Cassie woke up.She said good morning, and I went to the bathroom where I found out my dream was real.I suddenly freaked out I wanted to cut myself but my knife was now where to be found.Cassie came in holding my pocket knife.She said if I was dating her I would have to stop cutting.That didn’t help me stop freaking out, In fact it made it worse.She suddenly kissed me and told me to calm down.I went and fell on bed, and sat down next to me.