She is Love.
I used to spend my days sitting on my couch, on the internet, wondering if there was a reason for me to keep living. I used to sit there for hours just thinking if it was worth my while to wake up the next day. Have you ever felt that, reader?
Most people haven’t. A lot of people think they suffer from “depression” but let me tell you – yes, you, sitting there staring at this page, reading my words as if they mean nothing – they don’t. If you suffer from depression you feel empty, as empty as a broken promise, you feel broken, as if you can never be repaired, you feel ashamed of your cuts or the fact that you feel like that, you feel like everyone is judging you for being the way you are. This is something you can’t pretend to have. You either have it or you don’t. It’s insane that anyone would even try to make out like they suffer from this disease because they would never really feel like I have. Not many people will. Yet I am the one people judge. Ask yourself, Sir or Madame, is it right for me to be judged for having a disease and not being able to get away from a feeling I desperately don’t want to feel? The answer is no. 10 points for getting it right, well done you!
But my depression is not the reason I am telling you this story. She is. The girl I fell in love with. The girl who helped me live - who broke me out of the cage my sickness had me locked in. She came to me one day and it felt like a dream. Now, anonymous, I urge you that our story is unlike the fairytales you expect to read. It is a tale of two young girls who fought for their love despite the distance, the differences and the circumstances. If you wish to read on I am telling you now, it may not be easy.
If I remember correctly it was a Tuesday, a beautiful summer’s day in 2010. Beautiful it may not have been to anyone else but for me it had some great significance. I woke up around 10am which was usual for me even during the summer and something felt different than it had any other day, I felt a little bit, dare I say, happy. It had been months since I had felt anything but sadness. Like many other teenagers I spent most of my time on Social Networking sites, mostly Twitter, and this morning, like any other morning, I took my mobile from under my pillow and “Tweeted” a little good morning to my internet “friends”. I decided that today I would do something productive (meaning I would Tweet facts about me rather than your usual “Oh. My. God. Toast for breakfast”) I decided I would tell my followers what I looked for in a girl using the tag (#) #ilikegirls. Some of the things were silly like “Who make good sandwiches” or “who are alive” but I also for the first time in months actually told the people reading, who, like you, had no interest in what I had to say at all, what I thought. It felt like I had let go, like I was finally being me, like I was no longer just “the depressed girl”.
Someone cared though. A girl, hidden behind a screen name and picture of Kristen Stewart, sent me a Tweet saying “I like girls too xD”. I guess you can say that is where it all began. There was something about this girl, maybe it was the anonymity that intrigued me, but I felt like I had to get to know her. I Tweeted her saying “We could be really great friends” and I genuinely believed it. Over the next few weeks we became really close and I was falling for her, I was falling head over heels in love with her and there was nothing I could or would do about it.
This girl, a beautiful girl, named Julia was from Germany and I from Scotland. Even if she ever in any stretch of my imagination could fall in love with a loser like me there would be no way it would work, we were too far apart.
I ask you to consider, would you have kept going even if you knew it was inevitable? Your heart was going to be shattered into a million pieces. Well, I did. I couldn’t help myself. This girl was, at this point, the only reason I was alive. School was draining me and getting home and being able to spend my night talking to Julia was the only thing that I had the strength to do. She saved me on countless occasions during our time on Twitter.
Saturdays where always my favourite day; it was the only day I could escape the taunting and name calling I received in school, the only day I didn’t have to worry about going back there, but now, I got to spend the whole day talking to Julia. She would stay up until 6am talking to all of her friends while I slept away. But she always left me a good morning message before she went to bed, a little “Good morning, I hope you are feeling okay today! Talk soon” and it was the most perfect way to wake up. Knowing that someone had been thinking about me; that I wasn’t just the waste of space people made me think I was.
One Saturday we made a bet to see who could stay awake the latest; the loser had to do a forfeit. It was around 4am when I had to charge my mobile phone which could only charge in one place in my bedroom and at this point I knew I was not going to be able to sit there and wait for it to charge. So, I decided I would lay it down to charge and read while I waited. Needless to say, I feel asleep. You, dear reader, will never believe the messages I woke up to this next morning. “You ARE A LOSER! I WIN” “The forfeit is you have to KISS THE UGLIEST GUY YOU CAN FIND!” “ I win, I WIN, I WIN!!!!!” Unfortunately, I did complete the forfeit. It was a boy who had been in love with one of my friends. I really disliked him but I was not about to forfeit the forfeit, you know? The kiss itself was disgusting. He was dirty and was slobbery and it was really not enjoyable. It also wasn’t Julia. She was all I thought about these days. This Saturday was the first in a long line of what we called “Our Saturdays”.
I started to get incredibly depressed further into the year. By September I was thinking seriously about committing suicide. One Thursday, the 2nd of September, Julia was also feeling it. We talked about it and she asked what was making me feel like it. I couldn’t tell her, I didn’t want to lose her, I didn’t want to live a life without her. Even if it was only as friends, I wanted to keep her in my life. But, I could not keep a secret from her, she was my best friends.
Fine, I decided, I would tell her.
“You really want to know what is wrong?” I asked, desperately hoping she wouldn’t through it back in my face.
“Yes, please, tell me.” She replied.
“I’m in love with you, Julia.” The lump in my throat that would not shift, my palms wear sweating, I felt sick, I did not want to read her reply. I lingered for a second. Do I read it?
“Wow. This is new. I think I love you too” She answered.
Did I just read that? Do you see it, reader? She said she loves me too right? Okay, calm down, Hayleigh. It was just a message. Maybe she was just saying it. Quick, think of something you can say. Not too desperate... “Really?” No, too casual. “Wow,” No, not enough. “I don’t want to lose you as a friend. So, if you don’t mean it, please tell me.” Okay, that will do. Send. “No, really, I mean it. I love you, Hayleigh.” And everything started looking up.
She saved me, she opened up the chance of a real life for me. Now, I am happy, I have written and published a novel, I am walking on my own two feet and have never been happier in my whole life. She is the sunlight that I wake up to every morning, the moon and the stars in my night sky, she is my existence, my whole being is devoted to her and I would never change it.
Why are you reading this? This has no relevance to your life and it will not affect you after you leave this web page. So, why, dear, do you continue to read? I think it is because such a story gives you hope that anyone can have a happy ending, I believe that this story may just have made you smile. So, I guess this is goodbye, reader. Until next time.