What am I doing here? I'm not ready for this! Despite trying to convince everyone around me that I'm alright and that I am ready; I'm not. I must have done a pretty fucking good job though, convincing everyone. But the only person I really want to convince is myself! In fact that's all I've been waiting for, since the moment my world fell apart. To get through a day where I can see a light; a future. To get through a day without thinking about her.
It's been months, I've been a mess for months. It's ridiculous and I want to snap out of it, but I can't. No-one tells you quite how horrific it is the first time you get your heart broken. For fucks sake, if I'd have known I would have never begun dating. It was alright before, I was always the one that did the heart breaking. I dated plenty of girls before and found it easy to walk away. But I fell in love with this one didn't I? Spent two years planning a future with her and I was blissfully happy.
With one sentence she crushed my world around me. "I'm leaving you, I've met someone else!" Lying Bitch, 'met' would indicate recent. Truth is, she was fucking her behind my back for weeks
I'm not ashamed to admit I cried, I fucking howled. I begged and pleaded shamelessly. Plagued her with text messages, ranging from declarations of love to anger filled rants. But she simply didn't care. That was the cruellest blow I think. That she took her stuff and left without a trace of sorrow. Of course she wouldn't would she? She made the decision. It suited her and she was in control, she had moved on weeks before letting me in on it! She had already begun building a imaginary future with someone else to replace ours. But the selfish bitch didn't extend me that courtesy did she? Mine was shattered, with nothing to replace it.
I spent my days and nights sobbing in our flat, not eating or sleeping. Torturing myself with images of them being intimate. I didn't move unless I had to go to work. Even at work I only spoke when I had to. The goal of each day was to get through it without breaking down. That was my existence for a while, and I was quite happy to mope around feeling sorry for myself. I didn't want to get over her, deep down I wanted the Bitch to come crawling back so we could get on with our happily ever fucking after!
Friends and family began to worry and check I wasn't balanced precariously on the edge of sanity or suicide. Somewhere amongst my depressing thoughts I came to a conclusion. Of course she doesn't want me back like this! I'm a pathetic wreck!If I can show her that I am over her, well that might upset her. I need to show her I'm doing alright and back to my old self; the one she fell in love with.
So I targeted the mutual friends of ours that I knew would still see the cheating whore regularly. I redecorated the flat, she was always complaining about the previous tenant's choice of paint. I bought some new clothes and had my hair cut, improvement even if I did say so myself. I went for an opening at work which to my amazement I got. The news slowly filtered through to her and I knew I needed to see her. To see if my efforts had made any impact at all.
A good friend turned up to drag me down the club, because I was ready, so over her, apparently! I was quite excited on the way there but as soon as I walked through that door; saw all the familiar faces smiling sympathetically at me I realised what I was doing. How unprepared I was for the post break-up gay world.
So here I am, trying my best to act cool. Eyes darting everywhere, searching her out. "She's not here!" whispers my friend. I ignore her as if I didn't hear, when she stares at me for a response I shrug, "She's always here!" My friend laughs and orders me a drink. I try to make conversation but I'm not really paying attention. Every now and then someone 'We' know comes over to offer condolences. It soon becomes very clear to me that the Bitch has taken the liberty of informing every fucker. Was she that relieved that we were over that she felt the need to shout it from the rooftops?
What also becomes evident is that everyone seems to think we split because it simply wasn't working. I can't believe it, the fucking whore took advantage of my social abstinence to side step that she was a dirty cheat. Did I really expect anything different? The anger bubbling inside me forces me to go outside for a cigarette, at least I can hide in the shadows.
I light my cigarette and kick at the floor, my mind racing with all that I want to scream at her....if I wasn't still so hopelessly in love with her. Interrupted by a squeeze on my shoulder, I turn. My anger dissolves and is replaced with nervous sickness. There she is in front of me, The Bitch. Beautiful smile, deep eyes, looking better than ever. I want to grab her, to hold her and change everything back. But I don't, I want to show her how strong I am.
She has that sympathetic look on her face. "You alright?" she asks, I nod. Words just will not come, strength failing.
"You look good" she says.I wonder if she genuinely thinks that, annoyed that I care enough to wonder. I want so bad to see some sign of remorse, some kind of hurt in her eyes.She looks a little uncomfortable at my silence. "Look, I just want to clear the air. If we are both going to be out I don't want any bad feelings" I feel her twisting that knife "Just to warn you...I'm here with Rex" She pulls it out and stabs me again. It's painful but I find myself holding in a snigger.
"Rex?" I find my voice.She looks at me unimpressed, knows me well enough to see that I'm taking the piss. As she turns to strop off I feel bad... she still knows me. "Hey!" She turns. "I'm cool, just want you to be happy!" I tried my most genuine smile. This was the part that she walks up to me and kisses me, telling me that I make her happy because I care about her happiness more than my own and that she misses me! Blah Blah Blah. She smiles falsely "I'm glad we have both moved on enough to think like that. I am happy. Very! And I would really like you to meet Rex" she says before going back inside. Leaving me there,stripped of bravado. If I thought I had experienced all the pain she had to offer, I was so wrong.
I stand at the bar looking around urgently for my friend, someone tells me she's in the toilets. I go to find her, I don't want to be stood all by myself, vunerable to an introduction to Rex. There's a few cubicle's and blatant fucking is occurring in one of them, I would not put this past my friend. I bang on the door and call out her name, the door isn't locked and flies open. To my embarrassment my friend appears from the next toilet and I apologise to the lesbian fuck fest. The one on her knees glares at me and slams the door shut. I pause for a horrified moment at the door.My friend finds my mistake hysterical and we head back to the bar. I have the first genuine smile on my face that I've had in a long time.
As we order another drink the karaoke starts up and loud screeching from some old queen begins. My phone vibrates in my pocket and I pull it out, a text, from her. I glance up and see her watching me from across the room. My heart starts to thump, is this it? I open the message 'You just confirmed to me that I did the right thing. You're too nice, I prefer the thrill of the chase' I look back up at her, eyes stinging. My heart feels so very heavy. She grins at my pain and I realise that she does care. She cares that I can hold myself together, only just granted. But she wants to destroy me all over again.
I feel so stupid, forcing the tears back, she doesn't deserve anymore of mine. I move through the crowd, it's become very busy. The room is filled with people that knew us as a couple, now they pity me and salute her for being the strong one. Suddenly I can't hear anything, silence. I feel all the hate in that moment, it turns into something else, a strength erupting from deep down.
I'm on the stage, the DJ has stopped the music. Everyone is looking at me, confused by my interruption. I take the mic from the queen and clear my throat. I look up at everyone, I smile.
"For those of you that know me, you'll have been informed no doubt that I was recently made single by my ex girlfriend" I said the last part through gritted teeth and pointed at her. Boy did she look uncomfortable now! "What you don't know is why. I'm sure you don't really give a shit either!" A few people laughed.
"However I find that whilst I've been piecing my life back together, she's been telling anyone and everyone that we broke up because it wasn't working." I could see her eyes widening. "We split up because...she was cheating on me....she's a dirty, lying cheating whore. And yes I'm still pissed about it!"
She began to push her way towards me through the sea of filthy looks. I waited for her to reach me, pacing back and forth. The crowd waited excitedly, no offence but us gay's love a drama! "Is there any need for this?" she hissed. I offered the microphone for her to talk into but she slapped it away angrily. The crowd laughed. "You wanted to share our business with everyone, I'm just making it accurate!" She tried to snatch the microphone off me but I stepped away from her.
"You wanted me to meet her! Where is she then? Bring it on, public therapy!" She was getting so angry that everyone was laughing, it was quite satisfying. "Oh wait! I've already met her...in the toilets, with her face between some other girl's thighs!" The crowd went silent again and the look on her face was fucking priceless. I threw the mic back to the DJ and walked past her, " What goes around comes around!"
Her eyes had filled with tears of humiliation and she ran towards the toilets, the crowd letting her through. I watched her go, pondering why it took me so long to realise, I never really wanted her back after all. I just wanted to see some pain on her face. I walked back to my bewildered friend as the crowd applauded me. I suggested that I'd had enough for one night, so we made our way outside.The doormen went bounding past us into the toilets. "How did you know that was Rex in the toilets? You've never met her!" she asked.
"She had an awful tattoo of a T-rex on her arm, with REX underneath it!" We both began to laugh uncontrollably and I decided I was pretty pleased I had come out tonight after all. If she liked the thrill of the chase, she was bound to catch something wasn't she?