Life is crazy isn't it? The curveballs it throws at you constantly. The people you lose and the new you gain. The love you lose and the passion that trumps all. Love is nothing if not hard to get over. Broken hearts that seem to leave pieces everywhere daily. When I look in the mirror what do I see? I see dark hair, blue eyes, and pale skin. I see the face of a girl/woman that has gone through hell and still stood strong. I see the bandages over my heart aching to be healed. The confusion of whom to trust and who to run from, that is ever present. The indifferent feelings about what most if not all souls think of me. I see the rainbow in my soul.
The gold in my heart and the ball and chain on my ankle, keeping me from setting flight to my heart. I see the need to find that one person who will make life, livable and the possibility of having already found her, or having found another to break my heart. I see the open door in my heart, mind, even my soul. But I also see the steel enforced walls ready to fall and cut off all escape. I see the scars from all physical, mental and emotional pain. I see the memories of past experiences, fights, wins, failures, happiness, anger, and regret the list is never- ending. I see the once shy little girl, which would hide behind her mother and refuse to let go.
I see the now strong, confident lesbian that has come out to play after years of being knocked down. I see the eyes of a loving sister/ daughter/grandchild/niece/godmother/friend/over/ lesbian etc. I see the girl/woman wanting to find herself. I see too much and too little at the same time. The almost unbearable questions that bounce around in my head rarely ever being answered. My mind is never still or relaxed. I don't take many breathers. One-track mind? I have never heard of such a thing. My mind has a million at least. What am I doing today? What is she thinking about? How could she hurt me like that? Work, home, sleep, music, food, the list goes on.
How complex of a person could there be? Look at me and you just might see. How can one person walk into your life and turn it upside down? How can one person make the darkness seem bright? How can the same person leave you broken and not care? When you trip and fall will than person be there to catch you? What do you do if she isn't? When you feel like the world is caving in around you, who will be there to stop you from slipping through the cracks? In times of darkness who will prove themselves to you and who will turn and run and never look back? When you look at the night sky who are you thinking of? What memory is the first to make you smile? Who is the last person you think of before your eyes close for the night? If you had to choose whom would you keep and whom would you send away?
Questions that haunt me... Some to which I probably will never have the answer even if its staring mw right in the face, others I hope I will never have to face. What bothers me the most in life is... Is how someone can throw you away after you have poured your heart and soul into them, how could anyone be so heartless as to break a heart and not care? I have seen it time and time again; I will tell you I don't have the will or the heart to hurt someone like that. I believe in second chances but there are times when second chances will only harm the one handing them out. And what do you when it's the 5th or 6th chance by you love that person so much that you continue to pray that they have changed and keep giving chances when you know they will just stomp all over you again. Peopled change but I don't think people realize how hard that is to come about. Change is hard in any form." Old habits die hard"