« What's wrong? » The question hung in the warm air of summer nights. They were alone on this perfect and secluded little beach only the locals knew about. Alice didn't answer right away, apparently lost in the sunset, and Madison thought she had not been heard. But then the answer came so softly it was half lost in the sound of the surf. "Nothing is wrong." The fear Madison has been hiding since two weeks raised its ugly head. Why is she denying it? What is happening? She looked thoughtfully at the woman she was so deeply on love with. She had her arms tightly wrapped around her legs, her chin resting on her knees, her eyes glued to the skyline, and her face was basked in the golden sunlight. She is so beautiful, she thought, and so sad.
"Alice, I… "She began, swallowing hard because she so didn't want to have this conversation, "Alice… Since you return from Paris you… I don't know, you look so far away and … unhappy." Madison sighed in frustration. The past two weeks had been a nightmare, Madison seeing her lover going deeper and deeper in her thoughts, obviously dealing with something huge. She had tried her best to give her some space, hiding her fears and worries. But she could only see one logical explanation. Now she had to know. She could not wait any longer. "Alice, she whispered, is there someone else?" She didn't dare to look up; she was too scared of what she would see. A whole minute passed without anything to hang on except the loud sound of her heart in her chest. "Madison, look at me." Alice's voice was firm and commanding, but Madison could not bring herself to look in her eyes. Alice took her chin in her palm and gently turned Madison's head toward her. "Madison, look at me, please," she asked much more gently this time. When she was sure to have her full attention, she smiled, and this time her eyes matched her smile. "I love you Madi, there is no one else in my life or in my heart. I am so madly in love with you Madi." But while she was saying the last words her voice cracked and tears threatened to spill out of her eyes. "What is it then? What is happening? Why are you so sad? Talk to me, Alice, I can't do that anymore. Talk to me."
Alice sighed deeply and looked back toward the ocean. "When…" she began hesitantly, clearly searching her words, "when I first arrived in California, three years ago, I came here out of curiosity. I was truly interested in your culture and passionately in love with your music, your writers, and your movies… But I was not prepared to meet you." At this point she looked right into Madison's eyes because what she had to say was not easy, and she didn't really know how to explain it. "You were so polite and collected, smart and soooo well behaved like your dear fellows, and you were so beautiful, but somehow I knew I would find passion and playfulness if I was lucky enough to break through this social façade. I was right, and it was so much more than I could have guessed. In the process to find your true self I fell for you. All of you. And for three years everything was perfect."
At this point Madison knew that something was terribly wrong. She didn't know what, nor why, but she felt like she was walking in the dark knowing that somewhere under her feet a big wide whole was waiting for her. She braced herself against the pain she knew was coming. "When I came back from Paris two weeks ago something hit me. Why now, I don't really know, one of those secret calendar we all have. But somehow I knew if I stayed here any longer I would never go back to France. Not really." She stopped talking because tears were now freely falling on her cheeks and she was fighting a lump in her throat. "I'm so sorry Madison… I'm so sorry… I didn't really think of it before, I mean I did but somehow it wasn't an issue, I thought it was OK to leave here for the rest of my life." She stopped again. Then she add softly: but it's not Madison, it's not OK." Madison's heart sank in her chest. She was looking at her lover with wide eyes. Alice sighed deeply.
"Femme qui soupire n'a pas ce qu'elle désire" said Madison. A ghost of a smile appears on Alice's lips. " Your accent is awful" "I know, but the meaning is right no? A woman who sighs does not have what she desires." "Yes, Alice answered softly, that is very true." They stayed still for a while; both looking the ocean as the sun unavoidably disappeared behind the skyline.
"You see, Alice went on, and her face has become a shadow on the still blue sky, I love it here. I love whales, dolphins, pelicans, palm trees, I love the sun and the ocean, it is so very beautiful. But I keep thinking that this sun is now rising on China, and it shouldn't. My sun doesn't rise on China, or Japan, or Australia, my sun rises on the United States. Because this is the wrong ocean. I know it doesn't really make sense, but that's how I feel, I'm at the wrong place. I have never feel so disconnected in my life."
She turned her face toward Madison but she couldn't decipher her expression, it was too dark already. "What are we gonna do?" "You can't do anything Madi, it's about me, I try as hard as I can to push those feelings away, and I pray, I pray that it will go away eventually. But it just sink in you know, that I have to give up. I have many things to give up. One of my future, my land, my people, my culture, my language, and in a way my friends and my family too. My home. I'm homesick Madison, and it's really hard, and I'm so sorry to put you into this because you didn't ask for it. But deep inside I know California will never be home. One gets only one home and mine is Paris. And I will lose it too after a while anyway. And I will be homeless."
The sky was a deep dark blue now and a few stars were shining with a brilliant light. When Madison spoke Alice could hardly see her. "I asked for it, you know." "What?" "You said I didn't ask for it but I did. I love your French side. A lot. This is very important to me. I love that your face lit up each time you open a French bottle of wine as if it was a birthday gift. I don't buy Californian wine anymore, I know you just pretend to drink it." She heard Alice laughing softly in the night and it was like a balm on her heart. "I love when you talk for hours with your best friend, because it is such a beautiful language, and you think you can talk aloud about all our different sexual experiments because I will not understand." This time Alice didn't laugh and even in the dark Madison knew she was blushing. "I have only heard compliments so far." "Yes, you wouldn't hear any complaint from me." "I love it so much when we spend a few weeks in Paris and you make me walk for hours because there is always something I should absolutely discover and then you kiss me every chance you got because Paris does that to your libido" "It does, but only with you." Madison was so glad she could hear a smile in Alice's voice. "And I love when you try to explain some passages from Proust or Flaubert and you always end up saying that I can't fully experienced it anyway but of course you can perfectly and fully experienced Jimi Hendrix and William Faulkner." This time Alice was laughing out loud, because it was true, and because she badly needed the release it was giving her. "You love that I cook for you. You could not cook to save your life." "Yes. And if you leave me I will starve to death. But not for food." There was a silence full of unspoken emotions, both of them on the verge of breaking. "And there is something else you are wrong about, Alice. You are wrong when you say I can't do anything about it. I'm American after all, I can't just sit idle and wait and not move to take any action. We were the first on the moon you know, we truly think that any problem can get solved, that's how we are, and we are good at it. If you need a home I will get you one. I don't know how but I will."
The moon was high in the sky and its light was bright enough to let Madison see the love that was written all over Alice's face. Alice slightly stroke Madison's cheek and whispered: "I believe you." "You bet" she answered with a thick voice. "Come here," said Alice, and with both hands she brought there lips together.
The warm, the softness of Madison's lips slightly moving upon hers was slowly pushing any other thought away. Alice began to feel the familiar pang of arousal as she pushed into Madison's mouth to deepen the kiss. A loud moan welcomed her and she could feel Madison's breasts hardening. She let her hands travelling down to cup Madison's full breasts through the fabric and brushed her nipples with her thumbs, raising a new moan deep into Madison's throat. Then her hands went under Madison's shirt and she quickly unclipped her bra to stroke the soft skin and feel the hard nipples in her palms. That's when Madison broke the kiss, breathing hard, to say "We should go to bed Alice… Please let's go to bed now…" But then she saw Alice's expression in the silvery light of the moon, her eyes black with desire, her lips swollen and slightly open, her breath hard, and she knew how badly she was needed. Without a word, she slowly pulled her shirt and bra over her head, shivering under the hungry and possessive look on her lover's face. "Lie on the sand for me" asked Alice in a low voice. Madison leaned back and immediately Alice was on her, pushing one thigh between Madison's legs, kissing and sucking on the most sensitive spot on her throat. "Oh God Madi, what you do to me…" "Please Alice, I need to feel your skin, please…" Alice's shirt and bra were quickly gone and when Madison felt Alice's small and soft breasts on hers she made a quiet sound, like a plea, and Alice plunged her tongue into her ear. "I need to be inside you Madi" asked Alice in a voice thick with desire. "I need to make love to you" "Yes, please, yes." Alice unbuttoned then unzipped Madison's jeans and pushed her hand inside her panties until she find the wet and swollen flesh she was expecting. "hmmm you're so wet Madi… I'm going to take you so high…" and she was slowly stroking Madison's engorged clit with her wetness, savoring the heat she felt on her fingertips. "Yes! Yes Alice, now, I need you now" Alice pushed two fingers into the swollen flesh, slowly at first, and then harder and harder, matching perfectly Madison's desire. She went deeper and deeper, pushing her hand with her hips, needing badly to fill Madison as deep as she could, to be the one craved, needed, loved. When Madison eventually cried her name out in release she was buried deep inside her. Alice didn't move, didn't withdraw her fingers right away, feeling the aftermath of Madison's orgasm. She was mesmerized by the myriad of emotions crossing on Madison's face. Pleasure, torment, release, peace, abandon. When she opened her eyes, Alice smiled at the smoggy and satisfied look. "This is home, she thought, she is my home". And for the first time in two weeks she felt like she could breath.