is there any way you can pin point a date to where it all began? i certainly can't. Whether that be because I didn't notice, or the fact i didn't want to notice, well...i just don't remember. I do remember, however, the energy and time it took from my life, partly because i'm still there now. Not physically, just mentally. It's exhausting. The illness itself has a slight sense of irony as food is the enemy, but it's all we ever think about. When we wake up, to when we go to bed. All throughout the day, we are faced with the battles and voices which hammer distortion into our heads. We only think about what we ate previously, and what we will eat today, if we do, and if we do, how many calories will that be? Will half an apple make me five pounds heavier tomorrow? Will this glass of orange juice fill the gap between my thighs? Constantly checking the mirror for extra oieces of fat one might have missed last time, looking. Or constantly weighing onseself, just in case the meer intake of air has made us heavier. It's all we do, and all we think about. It can even go as far as invading our dreams and nightmares and so all day every day, and all night every night, we are thinking of food. Negative thoughts, even positive thoughts, but just simply, food. The stereotypically view of an anorexic, to those less sensitive people, is we are stupid. Eating is easy and we should 'get on with it' as i've been told, many times before, but how is that rational? Would it be right to tell one with psychosis to stop hearing voices? How about telling once with PTSD to stop getting flashbacks? Or telling one with depression to be happy? It's not right, and telling them all those things wont help. It makes things worse. Telling an anorexic that they aren't fat and that eating is easy will get you nowhere. I'm sick of people telling me to eat, eat , eat. Telling me i'm not fat and every two minutes, offering me a compliment which i never take. It's ridiculous. I'm not ungrateful, and i'm not denying a compliment for attention. I don't believe it. Anorexics don't believe it. Whilst i can see a rational side to the illness, i am suffering from this illness, which amazes me. If i can tell an anorexic that they're not fat, and starving yourself will make things worse, why can't i listen? Why can't i get better? Well, i'll tell you, if you promise not to judge me.
I want to be anorexic. How do you tell someone you want to be anorexic? It's as hard as hell. I shouldn't want it. People die from this disease. I've already been clinically diagnosed with anorexia but i don't want to do anything about it. The control i have with it, my eating, is all i have. It's everything to me. I lost control of everything else in my life after all the crap that hjappened to me and i'm not, nor do i think i ever will be p;repared to give up the only control i have left. I need it. I love it. There are many flaws to anorexia. Your hair falls out, you're always tired, you're always cold. But, in my opinion, the pros outweigh the cons. Excuse the pun. The feeling of self control is overwhelming every time i turn down a drink, or food. It makes me feel good, beyond belief. Feeling empty, at the end of every day, is progress. After a workout at the gym, it's progress. When i'm cold, and everyone else is hot, it's progress. If i'm tired after a good nights sleep, it's progress. As sick as it may sound to those who don't understand, this is how i feel. I understand that i'm sick, and i need help, but i don't want that help. I like being sick, as it were. As long as i'm thin, it'll be okay. As long as my hip bones stick out, and my stomach is concave, it'll be okay. This is my control, and this is all i have left. It's my eating disorder or nothing. I choose you, Ana.