Monday the 12 of November 2008
Today Petunia moved into a nursing home as I was no longer able
to look after her by myself. She wasn't able to perform the
simplest actions and in the end she became fully dependent on me.
I would spend all my day tending to her. I had to dress her, feed
her, wash her and all the rest. I couldn't even leave her by
herself, only If it was just for a minute.It was like having a
baby again but this time I was alone. Actually I nearly always
had a visitor at the house who came to help me care for Petunia.
Those last few sentences must have sounded so selfish and cold. I
love Petunia with all my heart but I know that there are people
out in the world that could look after her better than I could.
When I told Sarah we were thinking about Petunia moving into a
nursing home she offered for the two of us to move in with her
but I couldn't do that. She already has a two young children and
a husband to look after. She doesn't need two elderly people
living in her house, one of which needs full time care.
When we were moving all of Petunia's things into her new room I
knew that she was pretending everything was okay and it was all
for the best. But I knew her better than that, I could see it in
her eyes; the self-hatred, envy and anger that she wouldn't let
anyone else know of. It nearly tore me apart. As soon as I got
home I burst into tears. How could I have done that to her? How
could I have left her in that cold place where everyone is
waiting till death knocks on their door. I know I will never
forgive myself for doing it.
Some days I find it hard when she doesn't recognise my face. How
can I help her when she thinks I am some stranger that walked off
the street?You don't talk to strangers, everyone knows that but
on days like that I pretend I am a friend of a friend and I don't
let anyone know how much it hurts.
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