I don't know how to start, where to start or even what to write at this moment in time. Whatever that flows through my mind right now, I will write because I have no plans, no structure for any kind of thing in my life. I am truely falling apart, my head is spinning and thoughts run through like waves crashing amongest the shore with no care in the world. My head spinning right now and it feels just like how I am feeling about my life, it is spinning out of control. Chaos, anarchy and bewilderment..
I am truely empty. I have nothing to gain and nothing to lose.
I think about the past and how much I miss it. Yearning of the past, filled with nostalgia, my heart feels heavy and i sink into this small person within me, undermining my own conciousness. I am not satisfied with my life, I feel like i'm losing grasp of reality, losing the sense of who I ever was. The person who once smiled and laughed who was happy had dissapeared. Beneath it all, I miss how content I was with someone who actually cared and made me happy. I don't even know what I'm saying, if anything I say even makes sense because I can't even express how much emotion there is. All these years I have contained myself, and locked up everything that I was afriad of saying.
Day by day, I just wake up and realise that this is real. I have no direction, no satisfaction in anything I do and no motivation to actually change myself because I am just so sad. I cry most days and just wonder why I still bother to live through each day with almost nothing to look forward to.
The anger and sadness inside just eats me alive. I have no description of all that i'm feeling.
I just know that I'm really hurting