The State I'm In
To Uncle Russell with love, stroke survivor
August 29, 2007
Bottomless are the places the spaces of my mind
I can think a thing undoubtedly
But the rush and anticipation of a probable paraphrase
Breeds perplexity. Can I do it? In the state I'm in.
Remember how to think… Come! On!
There, how beautifully my mind entertains me;
Yet it frightens me as I am arranged and deranged.
Here in the precincts of care -
My jazz music keeps my good foot tappin.
I am a musical genius - you dig.
A cool lesson in history I once could narrate.
I am betwixt and between the prophecy and the promise.
Live? or Die? Fear destroys my bones into paralysis.
I lay ever awake wondering what night is.
When's day? My Heavenly Father knows
I am young and have life, energy, strategy.
Father help me! Thy rod and thy staff
They comfort me.
I've become old and shrunken overnight.
Oh the mind of a life one should muse.
That to think a thing, to say a thing
Now a mechanical commotion -
Was once an automatic notion.
Three hundred days ago I died. I heard jazz music
And then lived. The state I'm in is a prisoner
In my own mind, in my own body.
I am thin. I'm scared.
I've envisioned the grave continually,
And danced one too many times in hades.
I'm withered yet spirited. It's the state I'm in.
Now I must breathe, one breath, two breaths,
three breaths, chest is moving up and down.
I think I'm supposed to swallow now.
Nurse! I can't swallow, what the hell does swallow mean?
Got Dammit! I know what it means but how?
My name? Yeah, I know my name,
I can't spell it - I know how
But I don't know how; don't you understand?
It's the state I'm in. I know your name but I can't write mine.
I mean I know how but I can't.
A hue of absence overtakes me -
What state am I in?