A/N: This isn't a
continuation to the story. It was finished with the last chapter.
But someone commented that John's reaction to Kat seemed sort of
sudden. So these extra chapters I will be posting will be from
John's POV. I'll give the corresponding chapter to the story, at
It was one of those nights. The kind where I should be able to
sleep, since I was exhausted, but I'm unable to relax because I
can't stop thinking.
My grandfather died far too soon, leaving me in charge of the
ranch. I'd planned to take it over, one day anyway, but being
just twenty, I still felt much too young to have so much
responsibility. If it was just myself and Jenny that I had to
worry about, I wouldn't mind as much. It would still be
overwhelming, I knew, but at least it would just be our welfare
on the line. As it was, there were alot of people depending on
me. If not for Larry, I'd be almost totally lost. He was an
But, right now, I couldn't help but wonder if it was the wisest
decision to buy those extra cattle and hire those extra ranch
hands, despite Larry's advice. My grandfather never wanted to
expand because of the risk it posed. Larry thought he was being
unnecessarily cautious, but he did run a successful ranch for
forty years. Was I going to run it into the ground before I'd had
it for five?
I turned over in the darkness, and noticed that Jenny wasn't
asleep either. Her back was to me, but she was too still and I
didn't hear the soft snoring that usually accompanied her sleep.
"Jen," I whispered, wanting my arms around her. Things had been
rough between us for a while, but it always seemed like we'd be
alright when I held her.
Jenny didn't respond and she didn't move other than to stiffen
What was her problem now? Every day, it seemed that she would
come up with something new to fight over. Yesterday she was mad
because I told her again that we couldn't afford new furniture.
The day before, she was upset that I didn't notice the new quilt
she finished. The day before that, it was something else. I was
losing track of all the things I was supposed to do or did wrong
or didn't notice.
"I know you're awake, Jenny," I said, irritated.
"Good for you." Her voice wasn't loud, but I could plainly hear
the malice in it.
I heaved an aggravated sigh. "Now what are you upset about?"
"Oh nothing," she said. "I won't bother you with my petty
I rolled my eyes. Apparently, she was still angry about my remark
the other day. It seemed like all she ever thought about was
frivolous, petty things. Had she always been like this? Why had I
Before we were married, she seemed so sweet and agreeable all the
time. Now it was like she purposely looked for things to fight
Well, okay, maybe she wasn't always agreeable, I thought
honestly. But she never seemed disagreeable, if that made sense.
She had a way of voicing her complaints so that I'd just want to
fix whatever the problem was. I didn't care if it was something
stupid or petty because...well, I'm not sure why I didn't care,
actually. I just didn't.
Now I couldn't help thinking that maybe we should have waited
those two extra years to get married, like her father wanted.
Maybe she was just too immature to be a wife. Maybe I was too
immature to be her husband.
"I'm really getting tired of these games, Jenny," I said in
frustration, pushing up on one elbow. "Obviously something is
bothering you, now tell me what it is."
"If you don't know, John, maybe that's the problem."
"In case you haven't noticed, I have alot to think about with the
ranch. I'm trying to keep us from going bankrupt. I don't have
time for this childishness."
Her only response was a muffled whimper that told me she was
about to cry again, if she hadn't already started.
Muttering a curse, I pushed out of bed and decided to go
downstairs. I wasn't in the mood for this. Once she started
crying, there was no reasoning with her anyway.
Storming out of the room, I barely remembered not to slam the
door. I didn't know if the noise would carry to Kat's room, but I
didn't want to risk disturbing her.
I made my way down the stairs and through the darkened house,
managing not to kick that stupid table in the hallway, as I
When I reached the kitchen, I was momentarily surprised to find
the room aglow with light from a lantern on the counter. A second
later, I realized that Kat was sitting at the table, holding a
"Oh," I muttered. "Hi."
I wasn't sure if running into her was a good thing or not. On the
one hand, I didn't want to involve her in my marital problems. On
the other, she was my best friend and had always been comforting
to talk to. Besides judging by the way her lips twitched when she
greeted me, she already guessed that things weren't perfect
between Jenny and I.
I wasn't about to go back to bed so soon either. I planned to
stay away long enough to give Jenny time to get to sleep. Or at
least, time enough to calm down so that she could pretend to be
sleeping when I did make it back.
Sitting in the chair opposite Kat, I rubbed my eyes, feeling a
little better just being near her. She was so very different from
her sister. Always kind and unselfish, and so patient with
everyone. Which was a miracle considering the fact that she grew
up with Jenny. In all the time I'd known her, I'd hardly ever
heard her raise her voice to anyone, including her sister. Now
whenever I spoke to Jenny, I had trouble keeping my voice down
most of the time.
Even Kat's presence here was for someone else's benefit. She was
here so Julia could be free to marry again. She went so far as to
insist that it was what she wanted, but I knew that moving from
her home and into ours probably wasn't something she'd been
anxious to do. Especially since I guessed that she'd be marrying
Andrew at some time in the near future and would have to move all
over again. But she'd done it.
At her age, she must be itching to have her own home, and she
probably wasn't totally at ease here. Even if we were family. But
she never so much as hinted at a complaint. And she worked hard,
no doubt feeling like she had to earn her keep.
I certainly wouldn't have asked any such thing of her, but of
course, she didn't wait to be asked. I knew that if I suggested
that she not work so hard, she'd just ignore me.
Honestly, I liked having her here. I'd always enjoyed her
presence, and she made a nice buffer for Jenny. During the day
time, at least.
Putting my chin in my hand, I looked across the table at Kathryn,
suddenly wanting to commiserate.
"Your sister is impossible," I grumbled. It was something she
undoubtedly knew already.
She grinned. "I could have told you that, years ago."
Yes, there no mistaking her knowledge of just how difficult her
"Yeah, well, why didn't you?" I suppose I asked for her mockery
just now, but I wasn't in the mood for it.
Kat looked at the table and dropped her smile. "Because you
wouldn't have listened."
"I might have." I wondered though, if I really would have or if I
was too much in love to want to think anything bad about her.
Kat looked up at me, all trace of humor gone. "No you wouldn't.
You didn't see anything except what you wanted to see."
Was that true? Was Jenny always this way and I just didn't want
to see it? Had Kat always known? Did she think that Jenny wasn't
good for me? Had she always thought so?
She was my best friend. I would have listened if she tried to
tell me. Wouldn't I?
But what was she trying to tell me now?
She suddenly looked tired for reasons other than the late hour.
"I could have told you she was...any horrible thing, and it
wouldn't have made any difference. All you could see was her
beauty. Nothing else mattered."
All you could see was her beauty. The words echoed in my mind and
I didn't know how to respond. I knew Jenny could be petty and
shallow, but was I the same way?
"You've known Jenny as long as you've known me," she said. "But
you're only now seeing that she's spoiled and selfish
and...impossible. But I bet you can tell me what my faults are.
You've probably known what they are for a long time."
Kat blushed slightly as she looked down, and I couldn't help
making comparisons. I did know what her faults were. She was
stubborn, mainly. Once she had an idea in her head, she never let
it go. She was too unselfish, if that could really be counted as
a flaw. But Kat went overboard with it, sometimes choosing to
suffer so someone else could be happy, or even just comfortable.
She was...I had trouble naming any other faults in her. And her
stubbornness couldn't truly be counted, since usually it was to
benefit someone else. Unconditionally loving someone, for
example, and refusing to believe something bad about them that
she didn't see for herself.
Maybe it could be argued that she was a little naive, but that
wasn't exactly a fault either. I'd always known that she and
Jenny were different from each other, but it was striking me as
if for the first time, just how extremely opposite they were.
Like night and day.
Jenny was spoiled and immature, Kat wasn't. Jenny was selfish,
Kat wasn't. Jenny was impossible, while Kat was probably one of
the easiest people in the world to get along with. Everything
about them was totally and completely different, down to their
looks. Jenny had light blonde, mostly straight hair and deep blue
eyes. Her skin was clear and fair, and her body voluptuous. She
had always been considered the most beautiful girl around, by
just about everyone, myself included.
Kat's hair was a rich chestnut brown that always curled at the
ends and irritated her by tangling easily. Her eyes almost
matched her hair and somehow seemed deeper than a lighter color
would. I know she didn't appreciate her freckles or the way her
skin would bronze in the summer sun. I'd honestly never paid much
attention to her body the way I noticed Jenny's, but I knew she
was taller than Jenny, and a little slimmer. Looking at her now,
in her nightgown, I knew she wasn't unappealing in the least.
What I could see of her over the table, anyway.
"I'm sorry," Kat muttered. "I'm just a little crabby tonight."
Her voice startled me, and I brought my eyes back to her face
moments before she met my gaze. My neck felt warm as guilt rose
up inside of me, thinking of the way I'd been watching her.
Particularly that I appreciated what I saw.
How had I never noticed that she was beautiful?
Jenny's beauty, which was undeniable, seemed to pale next to her
sister's all of a sudden. I didn't know if it came from knowing
the kind of person Kat was that made her so much more attractive
or if I'd just never allowed myself to notice before. I might
even go as far as calling Jenny pretty while saying that Kat was
beautiful. It was a completely different kind of beauty. More
Kat blushed deeper, looking back at me and I couldn't help
thinking how lovely the affect was. Her eyes widened slightly
before she hastily pushed away from the table and brought her cup
to the sink.
My eyes followed her automatically and I got a good look at
everything I couldn't see while she was sitting at the table.
Most notable was the faint outline of her body through the thin
material of her nightgown, easily seen due to the position of the
Before I knew what I was doing, I'd gotten up and moved to stand
behind her. She was furiously washing out the cup, and I saw that
her hands were trembling. Did she feel this sudden pull the way
that I did?
"I think the cup is clean, Kat." I smiled at her effort and then
grinned bigger when she jumped. Yes, she definitely felt the same
attraction that I did.
Rinsing the cup one last time, she put it in the basin to dry
before gripping the edge of the sink tightly, seeming afraid to
I wanted to know what she was thinking, and for just a few
minutes, I allowed myself to really look at her, wishing that it
was from a better angle.
I knew it would be more pronounced in the sunlight, but even in
the considerably dimmer lantern light, I could see the reddish
highlights threaded in her hair. I never noticed before, but her
freckles extended well beyond her face, spilling onto her ears
and neck, and I wondered how far they actually went. Her ear was
curved in a particular way that struck me as being cute, almost
My eyes traveled down and I was disappointed that the frill of
her nightgown interrupted my view. Not that it kept me from
getting a rough idea of what lay beneath it though.
Remembering her words, I realized that she had actually been
scolding me. The thought was amusing. She'd never done that
before. At least not about anything serious. She might have told
me not to kill a bug once or twice, but a minute ago, she seemed
almost angry. It was such a novelty - Kat, angry - that I nearly
"You're angry with me?" I leaned in, not quite touching her.
"I..." I brushed away the guilt I felt, watching the evidence of
her labored breathing with interest.
"You've never been angry with me before," I moved closer, feeling
the warmth of her arm on my chest. "You've never scolded me
"I'm not..." she tried. "I didn't mean..."
"What faults are you afraid I've seen, Kitty Kat?" I evoked the
old nick name, enjoying her flustered state.
Her hair was in a long braid down her back, and I found my eyes
on the exposed skin of her neck again. The desire to touch her
there, was strong.
I tentatively slipped my hand under her braid and began moving my
thumb in circles over her satin soft skin. She stiffened and
gasped at the contact, and I was sure she was going to smack my
A few seconds went by, and rather than slapping me, she relaxed
and even closed her eyes, clearly enjoying the feel of it. I knew
it was wrong. I was getting awfully close to that uncrossable
line, but part of me really didn't care.
"I don't see any faults." Some magnetic pull drew me closer to
her. "I just see someone who's sweet and beautiful and who loves
everyone around her."
A small moan slipped from her lips and her cheeks brightened once
"And someone who likes having her neck rubbed," I added with a
In a second, my smile was gone as I thought about the effect I
was having on her. It was heady.
Needing more, I closed the small distance between us, touching my
lips to the spot on her neck, just above my thumb.
Almost instantly, whatever spell she'd been under seemed to
break. She pushed away and stared at me with wide eyes. Her
breathing was ragged as she shook her head, apparently too
stunned to say anything.
"I never realized how beautiful you are," I confessed, feeling as
if I could get lost in her eyes.
Obviously, I hadn't thought any of this through, but the
anguished look that came into her eyes, surprised me.
"Now?" she cried. "You're noticing this now?"
"What...?" I couldn't even begin to think of what to say to that.
Now, what? I could admit that I should have noticed her beauty
long before this, but why should that be the first thing she
thought of saying?
"Ten years, John!" She really was angry now and her eyes welled
up with tears. "You had ten years to notice me, and you do it
Of course she was angry. Why shouldn't she be? Her sister was my
wife, and here I was, acting like that wasn't the case.
"Okay, look, I'm sorry," I said before her actual words sank in.
Ten years? She wasn't just angry about tonight, but about the
last ten years?
Her shoulders sagged and she closed her eyes. "Forget it. It
"No, I won't forget it. What about ten years?" I demanded.
She raised her chin and I saw the effort it took for her to meet
my eyes again.
"I loved you from the first time I saw you, John. You could have
had me any time in the last ten years. And you decide to notice
me now. Her lip was quivering and a tear slid down her face.
I was in shock.
She really had been feeling all of those things I was a minute
ago, only for her, it wasn't all new. If what she said was true,
she'd been feeling them for a very long time.
All that time? She loved me?
I suddenly felt sick, remembering the things I'd been thinking.
The guilt of what I'd done to Jenny was definitely there too, but
the foremost thought in my mind was what an idiot I'd been.
Unbidden, the idea came to me. What if I'd married Kat instead?
From what she just said, all it would have taken was for me to
notice her instead of Jenny. If that had been the case, would I
be happily asleep in my own bed, with my wife in my arms, never
having to worry about all the stupid, petty fights I had so often
Yes, I knew, without a doubt, that would be the case.
"You really didn't know?" Kat's small voice cut through my
"How would I know?" I snapped.
"It wasn't exactly a secret," she mumbled, looking away.
"You should have said something." But I wondered if it would have
done any good. I'd been enamored with Jenny for so long, and
clearly Kat knew it.
"When?" she demanded.
"Any time! Like you said, we had ten years!" Was I really so
blind for so long?
Her momentary anger vanished and she just looked sad. "When John?
Before Jenny, you didn't even like girls, and you never looked at
me. I just thought I had to wait for you to finally see me and
then...but you didn't. You saw Jenny. And now it's too late." The
tears were falling down her face in earnest now.
Too late. Those two words left a bitter taste in my mouth.
"You should have told me," I insisted. Maybe I would have
listened. Maybe I would have tried to look at her differently.
But probably not, I guessed.
"I had the right to know," I said.
"The right?" She was suddenly furious. "You have no right to do
this now! You made your choice and you have no right to make me
feel this way again!"
She tried to leave, but I needed to know what all this meant.
Grabbing her arms, I crashed my lips to hers before she could
think of stopping me.
She melted in my arms and responded to the kiss with fervor. I
found myself getting lost in the sensation of it all. I simply
reveled in the feel of her in my arms, and of the warmth of her
hands against my chest. Her lips were soft and sweet, and kissing
her was like nothing I'd felt before. I certainly hadn't felt
this way in the last few months, but it was completely possible
that I never had.
I knew then that I'd made a terrible mistake. I loved Jenny, but
I knew it wasn't the way it was supposed to be. It wasn't the way
I loved Kat. Or at least, it wasn't the way I could love her if I
hadn't been such an idiot.
I pulled back, stunned over my revelation, and we stared at each
other, trying to catch our breath.
I hadn't had enough though. I needed more. But before I could
kiss Kat again, her hand came across my face, hard.
Instinctively, I released her and she ran out of the kitchen,
leaving me standing there, confused and wondering what I'd just
I stood, dazed for a while, before I put out the lantern and made
my way back to bed. I wasn't counting on much sleep tonight,
though. I felt more awake than I had in a long time.
In all the time I'd known her, how could I have never noticed
Kathryn before tonight? She'd been right in front of me,
patiently waiting for me to open my eyes, and I stupidly missed
How very typical of Kat, though, to never mutter a word about her
own feelings because she thought it might upset someone else. I
was definitely putting that quality in the flaw category now.
And she watched it all just happen. She watched me court her
sister for three years and then marry her. Never once did I
suspect the jealousy she must have felt.
I strained my mind to remember if there was anything that should
have been obvious, but it all seemed like a blur to me. Perhaps
it wasn't surprising that my clearest memories over the last few
years, were of Jenny.
Had I really been blind to everything because of her beauty? The
idea seemed ridiculous to me now. Especially since I now realized
that Kat was possibly more beautiful than her sister.
The one memory that surfaced in my mind was the night that Jenny
and I announced our engagement. I remembered thinking that it was
strange of Kat to leave so quickly, and without congratulating
me. Then when I found her, she seemed so...broken, I suppose. I
didn't understand it then, even though I didn't believe what she
said about being upset because things were changing.
Idiot that I am, I didn't push for a real explanation. I was too
excited and happy. Too blinded. Instead I said something about
Andrew proposing, to try to comfort her. She must have thought I
was so stupid.
Poor Kat. All this time.
Had Jenny known? The thought made me sick.
Kat said that her feelings weren't a secret. Did that mean that
her sister knew?
I turned to peek at Jenny, who was feigning sleep again, mostly
out of spite. She did alot of things out of spite, I realized,
and it wasn't hard to imagine that she'd acted as she had,
regardless of anything her sister felt. Maybe even because of it.
Had I been some sort of prize for her to win? A way to beat her
sister at something?
I thought of the way she'd been lately. Maybe she really was
looking for petty fights because she was bored. Because all the
fun was gone from her game of marrying the man her sister wanted.
Did she even love me?
But that wasn't exactly fair, I suppose. I couldn't make the
claim that I was a perfectly loving husband either, but at least
I wanted to be. I'd come into this marriage without an ulterior
Anger and frustration overwhelmed me. How could Kat have never
opened her mouth, even once? How could Jenny do what she did,
knowing her sisters feelings? Why was Kat so selfless while Jenny
was so selfish? And why was I so completely blind to all of it?
What was I supposed to do now? Kat was absolutely right. I had no
business doing the things that I had tonight. I was married to
Jenny, and could never have Kathryn. Neither one of them deserved
what I'd done.
But how was I supposed to go through life like this? Loving my
wife's sister and never saying a word about it. Never acting on
it. Suddenly our hasty marriage seemed more foolish than ever.
If you could even call it a marriage anymore, that is. When we
were around other people, Jenny was the perfect wife. But when we
were alone, she barely spoke to me, other than to fight, of
course. And she almost never let me touch her anymore.
I couldn't help wondering if that wasn't the reason I'd been so
aggressive downstairs. Certainly it had been the reason that I
was there in the first place. All I'd wanted when Jenny started
this particular fight, was to hold her in my arms. If she'd been
an adult for a change, I would have never gone down there. And if
she hadn't been so cold to me over the last few months, I
wouldn't have been feeling neglected and needy. That's what
really prompted me to do what I did, though I hadn't thought
about it at the time.
Kat had actually been responsive and didn't make me feel like I
wanted to thrash her or scream at her. It was a refreshing
Guilt rose up in me again, remembering how receptive she'd
actually been. I knew she would have never been that way with
just anyone. She wouldn't have been that way with me if she
hadn't been in love with me. And I took advantage.
She tried to run from me and I kissed her. I had no business
doing that. I knew it at the time and I'd done it anyway, because
I was frustrated and curious.
What must she be going through now?
I couldn't forget the anguish in her eyes when she told me she
loved me. It looked almost physically painful, and that was
before I kissed her.
If someone else even dreamed of toying with her the way that I
had, I'd hunt him down like a dog.
I almost wished that she would hate me. It would be punishment
for me and she would be much better off, if she did. But I knew
she wouldn't. She probably blamed herself. It was just like her
to expect perfection from herself but not anyone else.
All my instincts were telling me to go to her, to make this right
somehow, but I knew I couldn't. Anything I attempted would only
make things worse. Besides, if it had been wrong to be in that
kitchen, it was beyond wrong to go to her bedroom.
No, I was just going to have to live with this now. I'd made my
choice, as Kat so painfully pointed out.
I only wished that she didn't have to live with it as well. It