When categorizing movies by how good they are I believe there should be three categories: movies that are good, movies that are bad and movies that are so awful they make you feel like a rape victim. And let’s just say after watching Chernobyl Diaries I know EXACTLY what the girl with the dragon tattoo went through.
Chernobyl Diaries is a movie with a plot involves a group of tourists who visit the site of the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant disaster and soon discover that it’s not abandoned as everybody thinks or at least says. After watching the previews for this movie I had at least some hope in this movie and around 30-45 minutes in that hope crashed and burned like JFK Jr.
In a way it makes me sad that this movie sucks more than Clay Aiken trying to stay relevant. After watching this dull pathetic thing called a film I couldn’t help but think how awesome a plot like this would be had it been a short story or novel by Stephen King or Clive Barker but instead the talentless hacks behind Paranormal Activity took an interesting idea and made it the dullest movie in the history of cinema not starring Pierce Brosman.
In the beginning of the film the Americans are led by a Russian tour guide on a shortcut to the Chernobyl site so the Russian military doesn’t know they’re sneaking onto the property. After spending some time looking over the site and taking a few pictures that discover someone fucked with their van and now they are stranded out in the middle of nowhere and nobody knows they’re out there. How fucking stereotypical is this for a horror movie? I’ve seen B-Movies from 1982 with more depth than this. This movie doesn’t even belong in the five dollar bin at Wal-Mart, let alone a movie theater.
The characters in this movie were about as interesting as an eight hour slideshow of Grandma’s latest visit to the grocery store. This movie for me had one interesting character and guess who gets killed first? THE ONLY GUY MAKING THIS MOVIE ENJOYABLE. Then for the next hour I’m fucking stuck with these actors who couldn’t win a background role in a porno. I feel like I should mention that one of the “stars” of this movie is Jesse McCartney (2005’s Justin Beiber), need I say more?
The worst thing about this film if I had to choose just one problem is the ending, holy shit what a dull, uncreative ending. I personally believe this movie and films like The Ward are evidence that Hollywood needs to pay a group of people just to come up with endings for horror movies. I think so often horror movies are looked down upon because nine times out of 10 they have a fucking terrible ending. Why in the fuck do horror movies always have an ending showing how the bad guy isn’t dead yet or the main character I’ve been rooting for is gonna die? That’d be like The Wizard of Oz ending with Dorothy after accomplishing all she did within the two hour period waking up in Kansas and then outta nowhere the Wicked Witch of the West comes into her bedroom and kills her within 5 seconds. Endings like that scream “Our writers have 0 creativity and we don’t give a fuck what you paid for our film ShitFest 2012”.
The only reason I didn’t come home and put a gun in my mouth is luckily I had a date for this movie who was so awesome I actually still had a great time even tho I was in a theater watching the worst movie I’ve seen since The Lovely Bones. I rarely can find a date (you know with the prices of chloroform rising) so I’m thankful I had someone there to get me through this painful experience.
So if you’re sitting at home thinking to yourself “I wish I was watching a dull piece of shit film that covered every stereotype in the horror genre” then go see Chernobyl Diaries. If you don’t like wasting your money then burn every copy of this movie. It’s honestly like reliving 9/11 and Pearl Harbor (the movie not the actual event, more traumatizing) combined.