A Heavy Heart

Staring down the edge of a knife…

Deciding if I am worthy of this life…

Why am I always depressed?

It feels like some sad demon has me possessed

Can I do it? Can I get rid of the pain?

The tears tumble down as if nothing but rain

I am crawling down a one-way road,

Carrying oh so heavy a load

I do not know how much farther I can go,

The only thing I’m aware of is how I love you so…

I feel as if I am eternally damned,

For into my stomach, reality is rammed

Whatever happened to the love?

As sure as a flying dove

Why is there so much hate?

Now the tears come too late

And now the grueling hideous process shall start

I have just been stabbed through the heart

I realize the place I should start at the knuckle…

In fear do my knees buckle…?

Then I carve out one hazel eye,

Letting out not a sound, but a lonely sigh…

It dangles from a hollow, yet gushing socket,

Popping out like a clock’s ruined sprocket…

I watch the ruby-redness trickle down…

The pace shall quicken before in my own blood I drown

The question is no longer shall I, nor shall I not,

This is just another fact of life, just another ink blot

I chop off a long, muscle-less arm

My head starts ringing of bells, as if in alarm

I start feeling light-headed, too much blood have I lost

It is on this pitiful life that you shall no longer accost

For I will all see them in hell

You will be gone before the last echoing toll of the bell

All those that for years held the upper hand,

You shall now travel through my own desolate and barren land

Now I bang down the knife, severing a couple of toes,

Watching them disappear along with a wisp of my woes

My twitching eye rolls in its socket, losing its sight

I feel no more pain, and yet my jaw clenches tight

At the thought of the next, definitely worst thought

For after it, shall I lie down and rot

I ask to not be remembered; I don’t want all the flowers

Or to be remembered as the boy who always cowers

And I take my last peek at the hideous signs of life around

I hallucinate that timeless face of beauty, that voice so lovely a sound

Then I do the final job,

It’s past the point of no return, the final sob,

With a slash of such ferocity, I behead myself, slit my blood-coated throat

Light fades, and I come around to find myself on a black slender boat

A skeleton with decaying flesh peers over me

I have no thought of resistance, and the skeleton leaves me be

I see heads on top of stakes,

And then I realize my worst mistake,

Not having the courage in a time of crisis to comfort thee

And letting my eyes my own faults see

And though I know the undeniable facts,

I must wonder, how now she acts….

Shall she miss me? Or even give me forgiveness and sorrow?

Or shall in my despair I just wallow?

For I wonder, that even though now I lay in a polished coffin,

Will she remember me every so often?