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She opened her eyes

Short Story By: cgoddess
Horror


A girl wanders into the forest at night fully aware of the dangers that could ensue. View table of contents...

 

Submitted: Oct 9, 2008    Reads: 2909    Comments: 22    Likes: 3   


Several minutes passed. She opened her eyes, but it was too dark to make any difference. Why had I gone down that road? She thought. Why? Her thoughts went back to the rusty nail she held in her fingers. It wasn't going to be much help. If only there was a loose brick, like in the films... Through the darkness came a small whimper, and she reached her hand out to the girl beside her. She wasn't going to let the poor girl die in here. She had to find a way out. The situation was deperate. Closing her eyes, she recalled the last few days....

It had been a nice night. The sky was clear and sprinkled with stars. It was warm, but very pleasant. She had thought to go for a walk. Her mother cautioned her not to go. Anything could be waiting for a pretty girl to come along in the forest. She assured her mother she wouldn't go further than the end of the garden path. She knew she was lying.

And when she'd got there... The forest was alive. Alive with the silent songs of trees. Was there a hint of warning in them? If the were was, she couldn't tell. And nor was she listening. Too busy gazing at the moon in its fullness. It was so bright.

What happened? She must've blacked out because the next time she opened her eyes, she was here. Where was here? This room... nothing was familiar. Panic hit her like icy water. And then she'd heard footsteps just outside the door of the unfamilar room. The door opened. She closed her eyes and willed herself away, to no avail. A gentle voice... so gentle and sweet, welcomed her to this house. Said she'd be happy here, and safe. Safe from what, though? Then she'd met him. The monster. The glutton. He always wanted more, never being satisfied. She was forced to serve him. If she didn't, she was locked in The Room.

She winced at the thought.

The room was dark as the blackest thing at night and as bright as the most painful headache in the day. There were no windows. A day in there was enough to terrify anyone into being compliant. But enough's enough. When he'd made the request...

She dry reached.

That'd been the last straw. She'd refused again and again. Yelling and 'making a scene' as the gentle-sweet voice had put it. Happy? Safe? Hah. She'd been locked in the room. She wasn't alone. Another girl was there. She was so skinny, almost a skeleton. She smelled. How long had she been here? She obviously hadn't eaten for a while. Her rasping breaths told of her dehydration. Through the blinding light she'd gone over the the girl. She stroked her face. Told her she'd get them out of this. She didn't know how, but she would. There was a rusty nail on the floor, she picked it up and rolled it in her fingers.

She crawled over to the girl and stroked her face. Her smell was almost overwhelming. But she probably smelled almost as bad herself. With the nail in hand, she waddled over to the wall and felt for the groove she'd already made. This had been her ritual every night, it was too painful in the bright light. She remembered stories of miners losing their sanity in the blackness of caves and wondered if the other girl had gone insane. Sanity, she thought, I'm losing my life, might as well lose that too. She laughed and wondered if she already had. There was a slight stirring at the noise of her laughter. It's okay, she said, I'm getting us out of here. She giggled as she realized their only hope lay in the little groove she'd made in the wall. She smiled, and didn't know why.

The door opened and made the light worse. The Monster felt guilty, said a girl in a green dress. She could only just make her out. Here, the girl lay down what looked like a tray. She looked sympatheticly and warily at the skin-and-bones girl as she went back through the door. On the tray was a cup of water and two slices of bread. Guilty, she thought as she sipped the water, He's not guilty, he's sadistic. She drank half of the water and ate one slice of bread. She held the cup to skin-and-bones's lips and prayed she would drink. Too many days of dehydration... She wandered how long you could go without water and survive. She squinted and swallowed back a groan of pain. Damn this light. She heard skin-and-bones swallow and grinned. Would she eat something, too? It wouldn't hurt to try. She put down the cup and tore a small corner off the slice of bread. The girl was weak, but she managed the chew and swallow the small morsel. And after a while skin-and-bones had eaten half of the bread. She'd give her the rest later, she thought and put the bread in her pocket.

After skin-and-bones had eaten the half slice, she went back to the groove. She wondered if she even had a slight chance this way. It would probably take years, at this rate. A wave of grief and desperation hit her, she cried out and fiercly scratched away at the groove. Sobs wracked her body, which was slowly starting to resemble skin-and-bones's. She scratched and scratched in her wild fit of desperation. It wasn't going to work and she knew it. It wasn't fair, life wasn't fair. She felt wet on her fingertips, it was slightly warm. She licked her fingers and tasted blood. She sniffed. One of these days, the monster will pay. She ran her fingers over the groove and felt a tiny part of the plaster crumble away. Tommorow she would work on the other side of the brick, maybe she could loosen it...

She woke and saw a fresh tray, with fresh water and bread. She sucked in a deep breath and crawled over. She consumed her share and helped skin-and-bones have hers. A tiny bit of colour returned to her cheeks. That was a good sign, wasn't it? She sighed, a new wave of greif washed over her. She rolled the rusty nail between her infecting fingers and tried to hope. Skin-and-bones had eaten the whole slice today, that was hope. Maybe she'd become stong enough to speak, and tell her name. She wandered about the girl's family. Did she have a family? What about my family? Do they miss me? She could barely recall her mothers face, her cautioning voice. I'm fogetting my own family, how long has it been? She leaned her head against the wall, swallowed back the pestering headache, and closed her eyes.

The next day was much the same. The girl in the green dress brought them a small portion of sustainance. She fed skin-and-bones who ate both pieces of bread. Skin-and-bones was on the mend, she'd even opened her eyes. As darkness came she worked away at the brick, she'd made deep grooves in two sides now. She listened to skin-and-bones thank her for feeding her. She'd thought she was an angel. And that's what she called her, because neither of the girls could recall their own names. One night they'd laughed together and speculated on what they'd do when they got out of there. But they'd both silently thought, If...

That night skin-and-bones was the one sratching at the groove. Three sides had been done now. She ran her hand along the brick, feeling for any give. The plaster seemed to be old, and crumbled down to the floor in dust. The brick was giving. Skin-and-bones smiled and wiggled the brick up and down, back and forth. Angel heard the scraping of brick against brick and came to see what was happening. She pushed skin-and-bones's hands away and worked on the brick herself. She picked up the nail and worked it in bewteen the loose brick and the wall. More plaster crumbled and the brick fell to the floor. Skin-and-bones and angel glanced at eachother in amazment. They pushed and pulled at the remaining bricks. Some clanged to the floor and they saw the moon. Full and bright. They clasped hands and ran...


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Comments:

I liked it.....interesting

Posted: Oct 10, 2008

Author Comment:

Awesome. I'm glad you liked it.

different, but I like it!!

Posted: Oct 11, 2008

Author Comment:

Glad you like it. :)

it was good and well- written

Posted: Nov 11, 2008

Author Comment:

thanks

Tahlia
(not registered user)

The story was quite good but the end was sudden. Still good efforts and just a couple of spelling errors.

Posted: Mar 27, 2009

where were they? who was the monster? very interesting story

Posted: Aug 3, 2009

Wow great. Very interesting.

Posted: Sep 13, 2009

Jordan
(not registered user)

Very very Aesome i really liked it i hope they stay friends

Posted: Sep 16, 2009

pwincess
(not registered user)

i luved it, i really like it is it possible if the author cud read through my story nd edit it its nt for public use its for coursework is it possible if it is cud u write bak plz

Posted: Oct 24, 2009

Very well written. A much different take on a kidnapping that I had imagined. Good job!

Posted: Dec 27, 2009

gigii lovceva
(not registered user)

good job to da author

Posted: Jan 4, 2010

Great story if you ever get a chance check out mine

Posted: Jan 5, 2010

i liked this story, i think you should've had them encounter the monster more often in the story tho, maybe a "near-death" experience or something. sorry but i have the habit to criticize. but i liked the story a lot. it's better then my work, trust me ^-^ if you ever get the chance, check out my story

Posted: Jan 14, 2010

sinjan
(not registered user)

very good i will love to publish your story in the local newspaper.

Posted: Jan 19, 2010

Wow! Love that story. What happens next?

Posted: Feb 6, 2010

i am sorry to be negative but maybe it will help you improve. your story idea was good however......If the were was, she couldn't ...this line would have gotten you an instant rejection from an editor read and rework anything that isnt perfect...The room was dark as the blackest thing at night and as bright as the most painful headache in the day. ...dont get it is it dark or bright..... A tiny bit of colour returned to her cheeks....if its a dark room we cant see her cheeks.......The Monster felt guilty...why would a monster feel guilt......ok i know critisim is hard for most ppl its only my opinions and count for little just would want the same for my writing its the only way to improve maybe I'll put something out there sometime and you can return the favor

Posted: Feb 28, 2010

i agree about one line with c mann "The room was dark as the blackest thing at night and as bright as the most painful headache in the day." it is contradicting, but other than that its quite good. i liked it a lot.

Posted: Mar 5, 2010

stealth
(not registered user)

sorry to be negative, but I think your story has no specific theme. How can a monster's voice be gentle, how can the room be so bright in the day (weren't they loosening a brick, from a wall, meaning there is obstruction from the light of the sun), how is she a servant, or is her job to occupy the room?? If it is pitch black how does she know she is breaking the right wall or where did she find the nail (barren room with one rusty nail and skinny girl??!!)
you only developed one idea "girl kidnapped by monster" the rest needs re-working.
Good effort, you only improve when you are criticized.
Thank you

Posted: Mar 22, 2010

Not bad at all, it admittedly needs some work but you have raw talent for sure, particularly in description. :) A few suggestions though:

- Do a quick spellcheck/grammar check before you publish, and then do several thorough read-throughs to make sure you didn't miss anything, I noted several major errors that distracted me from the story.

- Needs more structure. Who is the Monster? Who is the girl? Most importantly, why are they there? How are they forced to serve him? These are important questions.

Don't take my words too harshly, I'm just an editor who is trying to help you out. You have great potential, much more so than many people I've seen on here so far. Good luck, and write on! :)

Posted: Apr 29, 2010

Nice storytelling here. A bit of edit and polish and this would be a great piece for a magazine or a collection of shorts!

I like that it's so ambiguous. A lot would argue for more info, but it lets the imagination run wild.

Posted: May 12, 2010

Finally, someone who gets the ambiguity! I'm aware that this story could do with a polish, with me, whenever I publish something online, something always gets lost between going from the word processor to the final page, and words get left out, spelling errors appear and the like. :P Heh, I probably shouldn't be telling excuses and just fix it. But thank you everyone for your comments. And thank you, thank you, thank you DKTD for getting the ambiguity.

Posted: May 12, 2010

That was really good. Please check out my story Isle of Spilled Blood.

Posted: Jun 2, 2010

awesome!

Posted: Jul 11, 2010



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