All I want for Christmas (and it's not you).
It took me five hours to get the bloodstains out of the carpet, it splattered the walls and hit the television which was most annoying because my favourite show was due on.
He stood there with the gift in his hand like an excited little boy. I opened it carefully tearing the snowmen covered paper and removed the lid from the wooden box. Pulling out the contents my heart nearly stopped. He gave me the thumbs up sign as if I'd just won a trophy. My screams fooled him into thinking I liked it but in reality I was horrified.
I'd given him detailed instructions as to exactly what I'd wanted, I made a list, I checked it twice and still he got it wrong.
He'd been out for ages, in fact it took him three days on and off, coming and going. Secret conversations with my mother who obviously should have known better and will get the same treatment when I see her next.
I despair, I honestly despair as to why he can't listen to me and retain information.
He has an up to date phone that speaks to him and reminds him when his train is due so couldn't he have just recorded my wishes and played them back, or is that too much to ask for?.
He heard me loud and clear when I plunged the knife into his chest, nodding frantically as I explained my displeasure at the so called gift.
If he'd got a goat for a family in a third world country I wouldn't be half as pissed.
My friends get jewellery and perfume and sexy lingerie, their partners listen to them and buy appropriate presents.
One year my friend got a car, another got a holiday in the Seychelles.
I'm not asking for the earth, I need a new watch, I'd have liked a pair of gloves or some chocolate (I go to zumba so that's ok). A nice book or even a coffee maker would have been more useful.
I said he was selfish, I said I didn't know how long we'd last, well now we're well and truly finished.
I dragged his carcass into the garden shed and covered him with tarpaulin, I'll leave it there until I decide what I'm going to do with him.
Such a shame I can't take him back and swap him for some bath salts as I'm sure they'd smell better than he does right now.
I'm going to my parents for christmas dinner so I'll have to make excuses for him, I could say he's got a stomach bug from overdoing it, all those nice gifts he bought for his family that I wrapped and cards that I wrote for his friends and he couldn't even get me what I wanted.
My list sits on the bureau, surely he looked at it, he must have scanned it then had a good laugh and decided to play a joke on me. We've only been dating for six months but I thought we had something special, he spent more on his dog which is sitting outside the shed howling, I'll have to get rid of him before the neighbours complain.
I always get up early on christmas morning, it's a magical yet indulgent time of the year. I'm so glad I found out in time what a cheapskate he is, or was.
I should be bothered, I should be freaking out and panicking that I'll get put away for murder, but I'll plead self defence and there isn't a court in the land who will convict me, especially when they see what he got me.
I'll bury it with him. It belongs in the ground with the rubbish so I'll take his credit card, hit the sales and buy something that I really want.