I stiffened in my seat when I glimpsed the flashing red light in my rear view mirror, because there was no way I would be able to explain what was in the back of my truck. I pulled over, quickly checked my hands and clothes, and held my breath as the officer walked over to my window. I had my license, the real one not the fake one, insurance card and registration papers ready to go before I heard the two knuckled rap against my window. I rolled the window down with an innocent smile plastered to my face, satisfied that there was only the officer and myself on the long stretch of road. Miles from town. I decided this could work in my favor if I needed to get rid of her. The officer was a woman that looked like in her early thirties, with a stern expression on her face. I was not sure what she was going to do, the only thing that I was sure was that it would take a miracle for me to walk away from this.
"Do you know why I pulled you over?" she asked in a cold voice.
"No officer...did I do something wrong?" I asked, worried that she would want to search the car.
"Your turn signal is out. That could be dangerous if there had been other cars on the road." she said. "Where are you headed?"
"I am heading back to my house. I live in a cabin out at the edge of the woods." I said in a calm voice.
The female officer just looked at me and I knew that she was trying to figure out if she should believe what I was saying or not. Normally, I my body would be shaking wildly because my anxiety would be coursing through my soul like an uncontrolled river. But luckily I had taken my medication and was able to keep myself calm somehow. She started to make her way to the trunk of my car, then turned and made her way back to me. The only thing that I could think about was that she was suspicious about the trunk and wanted to see what was inside. Oh God, if that was the case then she would see what was in there and I would end up in prison.
"I guess there must be a short in the wiring. I need to have you open the truck so I can see if you can please." she said in the same cold voice.
I knew there was no way that I could say no to the officer, for if I did it would make me look suspicious. And right now that was the one thing that I could not let happen.
"Sure thing officer." I said as I reached over and pulled the release for the trunk under the dashboard.
It was then I realized that reaching under the dashboard could have been a stupid move for me to do. For the officer could have thought that I was going for some weapon to use on her. Yet, I did not hear her tell me to keep my hands were she could see then or even ask what I was doing. Which in a way was good for me. For I could imagine turning to tell her what I was doing and finding myself staring the barrel of her revolver. As I got out of the car, another squad car had pulled up behind the first one, their lights flashing through the night. Making me feel like it was some sort of spot light, saying....come on over here and see what we might find in this guys car. A thought that I knew I had to push away so they would not see my facial reaction. The other cop was a muscular man that came over to the female officer to find out what was going on. The trunk was slightly open now where either one of them could just lift it wide open and see what it was that I had done. Seen her there lying in the trunk, the ends of her blond hair sticking out of the old blanket that I covered her with. Then I would have so much to explain. Even though any second I would have a lot to explain, which I really did not know how to right now. Because everything that had happened up to now was nothing more than a faded memory, unable to make out.
"Sir, would you mind opening the trunk, so we can get on our way?" the male officer said.
"Of course officer." I said as I walked over to the back of the car.
I could feel my heart drop to my stomach, as my hands reached for the opened trunk door and then slowly lifted it up. I did not want to look in, for I knew what was there and did not need to see it again. Seeing it again would only bring about a ill feeling deep within my gut that would probably make me want to vomit. After I opened it, they instructed me to step away. As they moved closer to the trunk and then shined their flashlight inside it. I had expected them to react instantly in horror, and then turn around and put me into handcuffs, and shove me in the back of one of the squad cars. But they just leaned over into the trunk, looking around it, searching for something suspicious. Then their bodies became erect and turned to me. Both showing nothing more than a cold, lifeless expression on their faces.
"Well, it looks like one of your wires to your turn signal is warm out. I would have someone look at that in the morning." the man said.
That is all? That is all that they are going to say to me? Did they see her lying there in the trunk? Thoughts that stayed trapped within my mind that I was to afraid to ask them. For that would admit to my guilt of something that they were not aware of. Still, I had to think of something to say, so I would be able to look into the trunk again.
"Really? I have no idea that was that way." I said in a casual tone.
"It is true. Come here and see for yourself." the male cop said as he motioned me to him.
When I did, he shined his light to the side of the inside trunk where an exposed wire shown that was old. My eye stayed focused on where the light was shining, even though I wanted to look in the center of it. I could not even smell the scent of death coming from inside it, only the faint odor of pine from an old air freshener. After I told them I would I started to get my body erect as my eyes looked inside right before I closed the trunk. And a shocked expression appeared on my face, for she was not there any more. And because of it, I started to wonder if I had really killed her, or if it was nothing more than just a delusion in my mind. But I swore that she was there, I put her in there. And I do remember killing her. But this was something that I knew not to stand there thinking about it. For it would bring about to many questions that both police officers would ask me. Right now all I should do is take the ticket, if they would give me one, and then drive home to figure out what happened to me.
They only gave me a warning, that was after they checked the inside of the car with their flashlights. That I was not worried about. Because all that I had in the back seat was a back of White Castles hamburgers and a copy of a book which I had wrote that I was suppose to give to someone. When they seen the book, they were able to see the title and then were able to make the connection between the book and me. Telling me that they read my work and that it was an honor to meet a popular writer like me. I just smiled, thinking about how I just wanted to get on my way. Before my panic would get to strong for me to hold back and I would look like a madman to them. Then they let me go, and I got into my car again and drove off into the night. My hands gripping the steering wheel tightly, eyes staring out at the headlights piercing through the shadows a few feet in front of me. The only thing that I found myself thinking about was the blond who I believed had been in my trunk. The one that I really believed I had killed. Everything about it was still so distant to me, making it impossible for me to remember what could have happened. I remember how I had been told that people who suffered with bi polar, there would be times when they would do something and never even remember it. Yet, I always believed that was something that would never happen to me. I was not a violent man, not even if someone would push me beyond the limit of what I could take. Or at least that was what I hoped that was true about me.
When I got to my cabin, I walked inside and lit a fire in the fireplace and then sat down on the couch. The only light that illuminated in the room was that from the blaze, which in a way brought about a relaxing feeling to me. And I hoped in a way that it would help me remember that which I must have forgotten. That was if there was anything there that I was suppose to remember. Just what I was going through brought about a headache to me, not that strong, and not even a real headache....more like a lightheaded sensation. One that I was not sure why I was feeling it.
"Alright Gerard....you have to relax. You have to let the memories come back to you. You know that there was a blond woman. But what had happened? Did you meet her? Or just seen her in passing?" I whispered into the flames.
It was as if I had expected the flames to give me the answer that I was looking for. Of course the only thing that I could hear the popping sound of the cinder in the flames. The thought that the flames actually would answer me was so ridiculous, that it made me laugh. And let myself do that. Just sit there in the darkness of my cabin, laughing at nothing. Oh my God, have I gone crazy? Have I let the stress of my life do this to me? Questions which I knew I could not answer, for that was something that was out of my reach. I wanted to just give up on it and let it fade away from my mind. But there was something that made that seem impossible. The main thing that I found myself trying to focus on what the girl that I had believed was in my trunk. How I knew that she had blond hair. What else about her did I know about her which I could not remember right now?
"This is crazy? There was no woman in the my trunk. You know it. You are just lucky that those cops did not smell the alcohol that you have been drinking." I thought.
But the think was, he knew that they did, but just ignored it and let me go. Mainly because of the name which I had made myself because of the books that I had created. Probably because this was a small town and not many popular writers come out of this town. In a way I wished that they would have gotten me for a DUI, because then I would not have to be sitting here in the darkness alone. And then I would be more worried about the DUI that I was getting rather than what I had or had not done. Haunting me by that patch of memory loss that I was suffering from. Other men would have just forgotten about it, thinking that they were just drunk and use that as the true excuse. Still, there was the hint that there was something else which would destroy that idea.
My eyes stared into the fire, watching the flames dance on the burning logs, smelling the sweet embers that seems so wonderful right now. I reached into my shirt pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes and then lit one. As I took a drag from it, the taste of the tobacco was soothing, as I hoped this cigarette would relax me. Even though that was a delusion of the mind, which we told ourselves. For the only thing that cigarettes truly did, was to weaken us to the point of cancer. But it had been three weeks since I had my last cigarette, and I always only had one when I needed it. And right now I really needed it.
I sat back on the couch and closed my eyes for a brief second. Not really sure what it was that I was hoping to recollect, if any. The only thing that I really wanted was to forget about everything. To make myself believe that I thought all this because I was drunk and just got lucky that the cops did not arrest me for it. Yes, that had to be it. Because, if I had killed some blond woman, there would have been something left as a hint of it. Droplets of blood, fabric of her clothes, or something that the police would be able to connect to me. I had watched all those CIU shows and seeing how the littlest thing could connect them to the killer. But that was something that I really did not need to worry about, because I knew that I did not do anything. And as for my bi polar, I had pushed the evil side out of my body and watched it disappear before me. Now all that I had to do was to try and get my life together and not to let my depression get to me. Which was something that seemed even harder than to say it. Just like anything else in life.
I decided that I wanted to drink again, but this time I was just going to do it hear at home. So that way I would not risk running into the police again, and having another episode where I will forget about it. Walking into the kitchen, I knew that I had a bottle of flavored rum which had never been opened. Never opened, because it had always been for Leona Hellenbeck, my now ex girlfriend. For she always liked drinking it, saying that it would always make her feel frisky every time. But when she left me for someone else, that bottle remained in the refrigerator, like some sort of monument in the memory of her. A morbid memory that was foolish to hold onto...for I knew that she would not be thinking about me now. Just about the younger man that she left me for. But that was a year ago and I had let go of it by now. Even thought there were still moments which I found myself thinking of her from time to time, for brief seconds.
"To hell with it. She is gone and so shall be this bottle." I said in a frustrated voice.
Normally I was just a beer drinker, but right then it did not seem to matter to me. The rum was there and I really wanted to see if I could polish off the whole bottle. To see what it was that she had found so special about it. Of course the thought that it would make me frisky was not really what I wanted. But it would be better than me just sitting here staring into the fire in such confusion.
The more I drank, the more that I thought about what could have happened. Trying to piece together what it could be that had happened to me. I remembered leaving the Miner's Nugget Tavern in town, by myself and standing by the driver's side of the door for a moment as I smoked a cigarette. Not really knowing why I was doing that, because I had no one that I was really waiting for. After a minute, getting into my car and drove out of the gravel parking lot, just wanting to take a drive before getting home. And as I drove down the road, there was something on the side of the road that caught my attention. Something that right now I could not really be sure about. For it was dark and there really were no streetlight on the side streets of the town. Which made it so difficult to see anything in front of me. Even with the headlights on, it was still dangerous to drive down the street.
And then.....and them.....
"Yes....yes....that was it. That is what I saw." I said and then took a drink from the bottle. Surprised the rim did not have a rank taste, but a sweet taste instead.
I knew now what it was that I saw. It was a young woman with long blond hair running from in between two parked cars. When the headlights caught her image I instantly slammed on my brakes, stopping a could feet from her. She just stood there looking at me in fright, like the way a deer would be almost hypnotized by a car's headlights. She wore a pair of extremely short denim shorts, showing off her firm athletic legs, and a white tank top showing the curves of her overgenerous sized breasts and curved waist. A few strands of her hair fell in front of her face, as she was breathing heavy. Had someone been chasing her? Trying to get away from some man that was losing control of his anger at her.
I wanted to get out of my car and ask her if she was alright and if she needed some help. But before I could something from the darkness started to move toward her, a person dressed in a black cloak, hood covering the person's face. From the illumination of my car's headlights glimmered slightly onto the metal blade of the dagger that the stranger had been holding. Then shoved it into the girl's back as she let out a horrid scream. Without thinking, I put the car in gear and raced off, thinking that whoever it was would come after me. I could hear someone yelling something, but I did not care about it right now. The only thing that I cared about was getting away from it.
But there was a weird thought which came to my mind, of what it could feel to hold that blade and feel her blood dripping on my hand. Something that I never thought of before, because it was the thought of a madman and that was the one thing that I really was not. Or was I? One man's madness is other man's sanity. I figured it was because I had written so many horror stories that now it was effecting my mind in a way. The only thing that I wanted to know was who that cloaked figure could be? And why was it that it made sure that it killed her right in front of me, so that I would see it?
"Gerard....you should be writing this down....It would make a heck of a book." I said out loud and then laughed.
By now I had drank a third of the bottle of rum, not feeling frisky like my ex would claim it would make her, but drunk none the less. And yet even in my condition my thoughts seemed to stay crystal clear for some reason. As if something wanted my mind to stay alert.
"Poor Gerald....you never were able to hand your booze." a voice called out from the darkness.
"Who....Who is there? How did you get in here?" I said in a panicked tone as I looked around me.
"I have always been here. Always been with you the whole time. You just never noticed me." the voice said in a calm tone.
There was something about the stranger's voice which was so familiar that is scared me. The only thing was I could not place it. I could hear the stranger moving over the floorboards, as they creaked under his footsteps. Moving closer to me and he laughed slightly. I wanted to get up and run away, but the only door out was behind the stranger and I knew that I would never make it. And in my drunken condition I probably would not be able to stand up either.
"What do you want from me? If it about what you did to....to...." I started to say.
"That's it...say her name. You know it too well." the stranger said.
I didn't know what it could be what he meant, even though there was a name which appeared in my head that I found myself wanting to say. But just because it was there, did not mean that it was the woman that this psycho had murdered.
"Sabrina.....Sabrina Kolar. But how in the world could I know who she is?" I said confused.
"That is because you and I are not that much different." the stranger said and then hesitated for a moment. "You can almost say that we are a part of each other."
Apart of each other? That was the most ridiculous thing that I had ever heard. I knew that whoever this stranger was, he was downright crazy. And all that I wanted was for him to leave my house and never return. He stood by the fireplace, warming his hands, as he laughed once again. Even though what he said scared and confused me, there was a moment of dread that what he might be saying could be the truth. Even though I had no idea why. I needed to get him out, or even get somewhere and call the police and report that this man had murdered someone.
"No, you don't want to do that Gerard. If you get me arrested, you will be as well." the stranger said as his body stood erect.
"Why? Because I saw you do it? You think that they would make me an accessory to the crime?" I said in a panicked tone.
The stranger sighed as he stood there motionless, as I tried to wonder what it could be that he was going to do next. I could feel my heart racing wildly, as my eyes stayed fixed on him.
"I guess the only way to convince you about what the truth is, is by showing you. I wanted to try and talk some sense into you before this. But you left me with no choice." the stranger said.
And then his hands reached up and slowly started to remove the hood of his cloak. The only thing that I could see was his short brown hair as he continued to keep his back to me. I started to wonder if he would end up being some deformed psychopath, of a demon in a way. My mind creating such images that I knew too well were not true, but could not fight them out of my mind.
"You see Gerard, you knew me very well once. We were very close and I was the one who helped you with your writing. The one who brought the stories to you that you created. But then one day you just pushed me away. Never wanting me around you again. But here I am, back to help you. Because I belong with you no matter what." the stranger said as she slowly turned to me.
When he did I found myself shocked and not wanting to believe what it was that was standing before me. The stranger looked exactly like me. Down to the last detail. But this could not be right, there was no way that this could really be happening.
"Who the hell are you? And why do you look so much like me?" I asked terrified.
"That is because I am you Gerard. I am a part of you. The part that you have pushed away for the longest time. You know.....oh what did you use to call me......" he started to say.
"My Dark Side..." I said instantly in disbelief.
"Yes, that is it. So I made myself become human for a short period of time to show you that I am real and that I am still a part of your mind." he said.
"If that is true, then why did Sabrina have to die?" I asked.
"She had too. She knew your ex too well. In fact your ex told her everything about you. All the little lies which if they were to get out, you would be ruined. And I have worked to hard to get you were you are now, to have some lying bitch destroy all that." he said
"Great, that means that they will be coming to arrest me." I said worried.
"That is the beauty part of it, no one will. No one saw me pick her up at the bar. And the drunks who did will never believe that you were the one, because you were still sitting at the bar at the time." he said.
"What happened to her body?" I asked.
"Well, you were sort of right about the trunk. Her body was in there for a short time. But when you stopped and got cigarettes at that small gas station, I took it out and dumped it into a garbage bin in the back of the building. And once again no one will suspect you because you were inside and the security cameras caught that." he said.
"So now what happens?"I asked.
He moved over to me and then sat down next to me. His hand touched mine for a brief moment, like something a friend would do. His skin was as cold as death itself as a mischievous grin appeared on his lips. Whatever it was that he was going to say, I knew that I was not going to like it.
"I have to return back to were I came from. Mainly inside your mind where I had been all the time, before you pushed me out. If not, you are not going to feel complete again." he said.
"And what if I don't want you back in my mind?" I asked.
"You want me back as much as I want to back with you. We are not two separate beings, we are one and the same. I am a part of you which you need, which everyone has within them. Without me, you can never feel or react with anger, or rage. So, what do you say?" he said.
I knew that what he said was the truth, ever since I had pushed the dark side out of me, I had found myself avoiding all confrontations. Which frustrated me so much, because that was not the way I really was.
"Alright" I said turning to him.
But when I did,he was already gone, and I knew exactly where he had been. I knew that he could not survive out there in the real world without a conscious to control him. And I could not exist without him there to give me the courage to stand up for myself. And in time what he had said was right, they had found Sabrina's body but never found the killer. The police came to me once saying if I had seen anything suspicious at the gas station which I had been at. But I honestly said no. And I know that Sabrina's death would be a mystery to everyone....including myself.