An underground newspaper from New York City opened a special advice column for Valentine’s Day related questions. Our panel of experts is made up of individuals from all walks of life. As a member of the panel I am allowed to share the information here on Booksie. We only got one letter so far so I am going to share it. I will post the next letter later if we get any more.
Letter from: Puzzled
I am an average looking 18 years old girl and I work at a grocery store. I really like the produce manager a lot but he does not know it. I was thinking Valentine’s Day might be a good time to break the news to him. He is 47 years old and has never been married. What do you experts think?
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The Dyke says: Why do you want a 47 year old loser when there are plenty of manly chicks out there that would love to have a crack at your young ass? If you feel you must get this guy ask him if he is willing to come to your place or should you buy a cucumber.
The gay guy says: Is he cute? What store did you say you worked at? Seriously, I would decorate his car with hearts and wait inside it for him when he gets off work. I would wear red shorts and a white blouse with puffed sleeves. Oh yes, and strawberry lipstick.
The Booksie writer says: Write him a poem telling him how you feel and leave it on the bananas. Pretend you’re shopping and see if he smiles when he reads it, or throws it in the trash looking mad. If he smiles you can tell him it was from you.
The rich businessman: Don’t mess around with people at work. You could compromise both your jobs. Go find a lover someplace else. What the hell is the matter with kids these days anyways.
The intellectual guy: If he is 47 and has never been married there must be a reason. I would not rush into this. I suggest a series of cleverly designed questions spread out over a period of time. This will allow you to work up a mental and emotional profile on this man before you make a mistake. He may have been infected by strange bugs working around all the exotic produce for all those years.
The butcher says: Hey, Joe da butcher here. I say if ya gots the hots for dis guy, go fer it. He ain’t getin any younger, ya know what I mean. Just grab em by the ass when he ain’t lookin and ask em if he wants ta get a little sumtin from ya. Tell em you been around and know da ropes.
The Librarian says: I would make him a nice card and write sweet things about him and tell him how I feel. Then I would get all dressed up pretty and put some perfume on and meet him when he walks out the door after work. Look shy and bashful while he reads the card and wait for him to take your chin in his hand and kiss you passionately on the mouth. You can take it from there.