Rock, Paper, Scissors

I understand how scissors can beat paper, & how rock can beat scissors, but there's no god damn WAY paper can beat rock. Is paper just magically supposed to wrap around rock, leaving it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors?! Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to PEOPLE?! Why aren't sheets of college-ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class?! I'll tell you why, it's because paper can't beat anybody. A rock would tear that paper up in 2 seconds. When I play rock, paper, scissors I always choose rock, and when someone claims to have beaten me with their paper I punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, "Oh crap, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, idiot." COPYRIGHT!!!!! DO NOT STEAL MY IDEA...OR I WILL KILL YOU!.....WITH MY ROCK!!!