Peace of Mind for only $19.99
I am sailing in a vessel that is not of my own making. As I drift aimlessly across a shoreless ocean of liars, pretenders, and wanna-be's, I just shake my head and congratulate myself. Welcome to the wonderful world of online dating, you idiot!
So, here I am, single and lover-less. Looking back, I ponder the reasons for my marriage-less classification and just shrug it off. The reasons are of no matter when little Miss Reality comes a knocking on one's door. I hadn't planned on being here but, just the same, I am present, seated, logged on, and accounted for, here, in the land of deceivers and online charaders.
In reality it is not online dating at all. They should just call it what it really is, online charading. Do you know what I mean? Here in the new millennium, we call it charades in the digital age with a twist. You might just find that elusive one true love of a lifetime. Allow me a moment to offer you my viewpoint on this pointless pretense. If you were, oh, I don't know, maybe, a newly divorced guy who hasn't been on a date since Mood Rings and Pet Rocks were the rage of the day. Now, you find yourself in need of a friend, a soul mate, a confidant or, maybe, a curvaceous little snuggle bunny to warm all those cold and solitary nights. No problem! Simply scoop up some pictures of yourself, it doesn't matter how old they are, any pictures will do just fine. If you are not satisfied with your pictures . . . well, Google does have that little tab titled Images. Just type in a personalized descriptive phrase of yourself, something like 'Sexsational Hunk' and take your pick of the pixs. Now, take a little artistic liberty with the story of your life and your newly, singular, lonely existence, here, in Datelessville and botta-bing botta-boom, you are ready for online chrarading. You can be anyone you want to be. Who would know? Who would even really care? You were born with an imagination, so use it! With 50 million singles in the United States alone, surely, someone would believe you. The end result shall always justify the means, my friend. Just make sure you have a conceivable and believable explanation for those titillating pictures.
Now, that is just the first step. Once online you have to go shopping for a match. In this get a date in a nano-second age these online chrarading sites have a magically-delicious, secret formula that miraculously finds that one in fifty million that will turn your life around and give you a one-way ticket out of Loserville no later than the weekend. Now, on to step number two.
Once you are a paid participant, you get to review your selected matches and wink or, maybe, dare I say it, communicate with another charader. You won't actually talk with another charader, you only get to chat. Oh, here is a little tip from your Uncle Dave, trust me on this one. You will unearth a previously unknown species: the Chat-a-sore-ass. The Chatasoreass is quite an odd and highly talkative, iconically-speaking, creature for they never stop chitting and chatting no matter what you say or do. Chit, chat and more chit chat. They make me want to just tear my hair out by the handfuls and poke my eyes out with a cherry, red-hot poker. Oh sorry; I got caught up in the moment, again. Why they are on a dating site, I don't know. But, in their defense, if you want a good night's sleep, just read one of the chatasoreass's bio's, something like this . . . . . . . .
Lovely Lady seeking her soul mate for a new beginning. Loosely translated that means, Big ole, white, trailer-trash gal seeks sugar daddy for one way ticket out of Possum holler.
Headlines are very important. You want to capture the future love of your life's attention with a single, simple phrase but take care words do have different meanings to different people. Anyway, let us get to the heart of the matter and yes, I will continue to translate for you.
'I am baggage free', Lie Number One. They have more baggage than you can or would ever want to move in a two-ton U-Haul Truck.
'All my pictures are current', Lie Number Two. Sorry, honey bunny, but you forgot to edit out the date stamp on your 1998 photo. Busted! On that topic, with some of these online charaders you can actually watch their children come of age. The photos start with them as a cute toddler sitting with mommy at the local bar showing off her latest tattoo of a smiling, full color Elmo on her left breast, Bud Light in one hand and a Marlboro Red in the other. Nice! The pictorial timeline ends with said toddler all grown up and proudly displaying their hard earned GED Diploma. Good job, Bubba!
'My friends describe me as having an athletic body', Lie Number Three. If she had to haul ass, she would most definitely be making two or three trips!
'I am happy with my position in life', Lie Number Four. Yeah right, we all dream about living in a doublewide trailer down by the river at the Hoppy Trails Mobile Home Park. Please, you're killing me!
'I am honest and sincere', Lie Number Five. No comment required on that one.
Now, it is time for the questionnaire. One hundred and seventy-three questions about your preference for peculiar looking, little, yappy dogs and "what color passionately describes your weekend morning mood?" Lordy-Lord, please, just take me, now! I'm begging you! It only took me two hours and seventeen minutes to complete the grueling questionnaire and I, now, have my profile proudly posted on the site. Once online and date ready, all you have to do is wait for little Miss Oh-So-Right to come and get the man of her dreams, you! So I thought, hummmmm, no takers, a few inquiries from some scammer dude in India stating that he is a twenty-nine year old babe looking for someone just like me. See, Google does have a picture for everyone! The picture he has posted looks exactly like that spokes model for "GoDaddy.com". His scam might have worked better if he could spell more than ten percent of the words correctly, scamming idiot! "Me need you to make me a hole people" Oh my! I better jump on this little hottie before someone else snatches that petite, trophy gal away from me! But wait, I have mail!
Well, will you look at this? I have my first batch of Daily Matches of specially selected, just right for me, highly probable, love interests! Great Googly Moogly! Now, you get to click on the 'I likes Her', 'Maybe, Baby' or the 'No way in hell' Button and then, it is all up to you and your God-given imagination to win her heart and claim her as your very own, snugglelious, little, love-you-long-time, snuggle bunny. Oh yeah, Baby! I look at this shop-for-a-date system like this; it is like going to Costco and trying to decide which prepackaged, slab of red meat you desire or need the most. Ummmm, that one has a nice rich color, no tan lines, not too much fat and the shape is simply divine! Decisions, decisions, hummmmm. Well, I for one, hate to go shopping at Costco and I don't like playing charades. After a long and very unproductive, evening, date-shopping-excursion, I tell myself there has got to be a better way. Then, at two thirty-eight a.m., the solution awakens me like five gallons of Folgers's Coffee. Ah yes, I have an idea. I have a very excellent idea . . .
DateFax! I proudly proclaim to the world! Have you seen that car fax deal on the tube? You send them a couple of bucks and they send you the entire history of the car? What if one could provide the same service for online dating? I would like a slice or two of that 1.049 billion dollar online dating revenue pie! Are you with me, here? I could provide potential I need a date, reeeeeeeeal bad clients with a highly descriptive and detailed report describing the love history of that special someone they are seeking. My slogan would be 'Peace of mind, for three easy payments of $19.99'. Kinda catchy, don't you agree? Good! With 40 million people in the United States spending an average of $239 a year at the online dating sites, well . . . . I am going to be rich!
Here is an outline of my twelve-step plan for dating sobriety, so-to-speak. You be the judge and, oh yes, get out that Visa card.
I could use a prospective date's SSN (Social Security Number) just like a car dealer would use a VIN (Vehicle Identification Number) because both are unique to the individual entity. I could provide actual date of birth, race, past sexual performance speed records, psychological overview, marital status, known kinkatational tendencies, current and past employment records, religion, sexual preference (both human and/or beasts), net worth, current photo, police records and an Executive Summary of their official permanent record. I was always told about that mysterious permanent record by my teachers, professors and especially by my parents. My file, I am positive, has to be a couple of inches thick. I was always being told "I hope this little antic doesn't end up in your Permanent Record!" I hope all those crazy antics of mine don't come back to bite me in the bumper and show up on my DateFax Report. Anyway, let us take a little looksie at my proposed report, shall we?
1. Mileage (reported vs. actual): could include things like, was this subject rode hard all week or just on weekends?' What kind of mileage is this? Single commuter or did all their friends get a free ride? Has the stated mileage been doctored and just where is the documentation? Maybe the odometer has turned over!
2. Body Type: Is she a bulbous, squatty little VW Bug or a curvaceous, lil', red-hot Ferrari! Is he a manly Schwarzenegger-Hummer type or maybe an old Model A Ford with a rumble seat! (Rumble seats may be appealing to both guys and gals. Your call!) Is it a sporty model made for fun in the fast lane? How many laps has this sporty little number taken around the racetrack of life? Who are the former drivers and how many were there? How long does it take this little speedster to go from zero to fabulous? Is this a sprinter, made for a quick 6-second race or maybe a road racer designed for the twenty-four hour endurance race of Le Mans? Who is the sponsor for this model anyway, Victoria Secrets or John Deere? What if they turn out to be a convertible? There could be some strong issues with convertibles. I better write a little disclaimer about that tid bit and print it in red.
Convertible Disclaimer: DateFax shall not be liable for any "convertibles" encountered during your dating escapades. DateFax shall attempt to determine the sexual origin of each and every date, within reason. DateFax strongly suggest that all clients verify the true sex type of each date with a visual and physical inspection of each and every date, discretely of course.
Thank you. Management
3. Tinted Windows: Can you see what's inside or are they trying to hide flaws deep within their interior region? Is the interior of this model completely shredded from abuse or is it pristine from a caring and loving owner?
4. Luggage (or should I say 'Baggage') Compartment: How much baggage does this model hold? Just what kind of baggage is it? Whose baggage is in there anyway? Are these bags temporary or will you have to haul this baggage around forever?
5. Rear view and side view mirrors: Is the past still in view and just how far back can you see? Things do appear to be larger than they truly are in the mirror. Better take a good loooong look!
6. Automatic Transmission (or do you have to put it in gear manually): Does this model shift gears smoothly or does it require a great deal of effort to go from mild to wild? Maybe you have to kick it to get it in gear? How many speeds does this little number have? Does this sweet little speedster grind and squeal when you attempt to shift gears? If so, is the decimal level so loud that you wake the neighbors and all the neighborhood dogs howl in unison?
7. Rear-End: Droopy? Does it bump and grind? Does it drag the ground? What about a trailer hitch? Maybe there is a bright yellow and black 'CAUTION! WIDE LOAD' sticker! Does this model show dimples suffered from hailstorm damage? Maybe it's smooth like a newborn, baby's butt!
8. Front End: Does the front end shimmy and shake? Does it need a front-end alignment? Does their smile gleam like the chrome grill on a 1973 Cadillac Eldorado? Maybe their smile resembles the grill of an old rusted out 1947 Studebaker!
9. Minivan: Made for a family? Are there kiddie car seats and just how many are there, really? Just who is the baby's daddy, really? Is there an empty kiddie seat in the third row and a bun in the oven? Hummmmmmmmm . . . . . . . really?
10. Engine: How about that engine? Does it purr like a kitten or cough and sputter like an old diesel truck? Hard to start in the morning or do they just turn over and rev up with the touch of your finger? Does this model overheat quickly in the heat of passion and do they need an overhaul? Have they already been overhauled and just how many times?
11. Manufacture Recall Notice: Has this model been recalled and just when is their expected release date? Do they come with optional jewelry as in monitoring bracelet? Home confinement? (I hope you like to watch TV, no going to movies with this date!)
12. Retail value: Is this model worth the cost? Maybe the prospective date is already upside down, financially speaking, or maybe they hold a clean, lien-free title in hand. Maybe you can lease this model by the hour, the day, the night, the weekend, for class reunions, bachelor/ bachelorette parties or just to tick off your ex-spouse. How much cash do you need to put down before you can jump into that drivers seat?
Well, what do you think? I know DateFax is gonna be huge and, yes, I am going to be rich! I gotta go do some research about extended warranties and incentives. Sorry, no cash back offers!
Happy Dating, my friends