Welcome Visitor: Login to the siteJoin the site

How to Survive in a Horror Movie 101

Article By: forbidden secrets
Humor


I don’t know about you, but when I watch horror movies I notice a pattern of the sheer stupidity of these women/idiots who fall prey to the murders attack all because they didn’t know the rules of how to survive a horror movie. So I’ve decided to compile a list of tactics so these people could survive in a horror movie. Why you may ask. Well simply because I am a cynical person.


Submitted:Mar 14, 2013    Reads: 32    Comments: 4    Likes: 1   


Can't start her car syndrome

First of all women who are being attacked by a killer decide to hop in their car in most horror movies. But unfortunately they fumble with their keys so much that they can't seem to shove them into the key hole to ignite the car and get the hell out of there. Why I ask you? They are able to start their cars on a regular basis, aren't they? Don't they drive at least two times a day if not more? So why can't they just simply start their car when someone is trying to kill them. Hell if someone was trying to kill me in a horror movie I wouldn't be able to start my car fast enough.

Checking out the creepy noise in your house

Imagine the scenario of sitting in your house on a night where the wind is rattling your window, lighting is flashing in the sky and thunder booming like the sound of a witch's cackle. You are utterly alone curled up reading one of your favorite books. Then all of a sudden a noise crashing through the house, a noise unlike any other you have ever heard. You think this unfathable noise could be your pet cat clawing at something perhaps…Wait you don't have a pet cat. Anyways you abandon your book and go to investigate this ever strange noise. But where does your fatal mistake lie? You have failed to grab a weapon to bring with you incase it's a burglar. You go into your basement only to find the killer/supernatural being/whatever is in your house. And guess what? It gets you because you were too stupid to bring a weapon.

That jackass guy you just so happen to be with

God I can't tell you how much I hate this asshole. In almost any scenario without fail he seems to insinuate that it's YOU who has the problem it's not the creepy haunted house you two are living in, it's not his creepy little dead daughter's ghost haunting you. No, honey you're just going crazy. First off why do directors even put this asshole in horror movies? If anything I say he should be the first to die his uncaring ass deserves to hit the bucket first. Also why the hell do these women stay with these jerks? If my boyfriend or husband or whatever guy didn't believe me about something paranormal or some maniac killing people I would be like okay screw you I'm outta here! Then he can be the one who dies alone. Thank god I'm not an actress otherwise that would be exactly what I would do. Seriously though, what's up with this douchebag?

Never ever, ever have sex

Seriously don't do it. We all know that the couple who sleeps together hits the bucket together in horror movies. Once you two hit those sheets you can say bye, bye to the rest of your life. The paranormal/killer just doesn't like you two for some reason. Maybe it's because they can't get any cause they're certified insane or dead I don't know. If you're smart though you'll listen to me and stay away from all beds, couches or otherwise somewhat comfy objects you may have sex on and I assure you, you will live! At least for a little while longer than the people who had sex anyways…

Having a conscious will get you killed

Yes, that's right ladies and gentlemen. If you have successfully manage to get the killer or supernatural thing on the ground and you have the upper hand attack that mother f*cker! Don't just stare down at the thing or god forbid turn your back on it. Cause you know what happens when you do that? The bastard gets ya! So just for today leave your conscious in somewhere you'll need it like in Disney land. The only thing your conscious is going to buy you here is a one way ticket to death lane. I'm pretty sure you don't want to die so grab your cat and have it claw that jerk's eyes out whatever you need to do in order to kill the jackass because we all know that jerk will be back for round two even if you successfully managed to kill it. Bring on the sequels!

Beware the sequels

We all know horror movies are notorious for spawning sequels. The demon of all demons. Just when you think you killed that mofo he comes back AGAIN! How many times have you killed that guy now? What's that 5 and he's still back for more? Well you certainly have your hands full. My advice is to get the hell out of wherever you are. Creepy carnival? Leave, run away like a little girl, go now don't just sit here reading this. RUN for Pete's sake! That will be your only savior. Run right the hell outta that movie like a bat outta hell.

Racially insensitive deaths

Pretty common thing seen in horror movies. Honestly the only advice I have for you is kill everyone else before they get killed then the killer will have no point in killing them, think you're on their side and you two can go have a good ol' cup of joe. Everyone ends up happy! Expect for those people you killed of course…

That wraps up my guide if I think of anymore classic horror movie clichés I'll put em on here. Good luck surviving your horror movie!





1

| Email this story Email this Article | Add to reading list



Reviews

About | News | Contact | Your Account | TheNextBigWriter | Self Publishing | Advertise

© 2013 TheNextBigWriter, LLC. All Rights Reserved. Terms under which this service is provided to you. Privacy Policy.