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Post Apocalypic survival- For Dummies

Article By: Gemmanemesis
Humor



How to survive the apocalypse, dumbass :)


Submitted:Aug 15, 2013    Reads: 23    Comments: 0    Likes: 0   


Post-Apocalyptic Survival:

99.7% of the human population has been wiped out by a deadly superbug, and you are amongst the few genetically fortunate enough to be immune…Congratulations! So, what now? Assuming you enjoy being alive, and want to continue living in a world without video games, television, running water and central heating, you may want to follow these simple guidelines;

1: Be a Dick.

Now is not the time to make new friends.Do not seek companionship.Do not go looking for loved ones.If you want to survive, you have to be selfish.For all you know, in the absence of law and order, your surviving counterparts have devolved into self-serving savages capable of theft, murder, and perhaps even making a fetching hat from your face as a trophy!You must avoid contact with other people at all costs.Fellow humans are now your only predators, aside from the few stray dogs that have escaped becoming their owners' dinners and have now become like wolves and will tear you limb from limb on sight.

2: Weapons.

The first thing you need to do is find a weapon.The last thing you need is to be caught short if you are under attack!Make your way to a guns and tackle shop ideally.In the interim you can make do with a plank of wood with some nails hammered into it.You will run the risk of meeting unsavoury characters here, but it's a risk you have to take.

3: Find a natural water source.

Soon there will be no running water, and if you don't find an alternative reliable water source, you are screwed. Make your way to the countryside on foot, avoiding roads and paths, armed with your new shotgun. You will find streams at the feet of mountains, or if you are near the coast you can boil salt water and capture the evaporated steam. This is a pain in the ass though, so try to find a stream or secluded access to a river.

4: Think like a squirrel.

You will want to stash as much non-perishable food as you can. Ideally bury it in airtight containers in multiple locations to reduce the risk of discovery and theft. Don't go to supermarkets, you can raid the kitchen cupboards of empty houses instead, this is safer. When I say non-perishable, I mean dried foods, such as rice, pasta, dried pulses. These will last indefinitely if kept in airtight conditions, and should tide you over for months to come.

5: Find a Safe dwelling.

Think you can just chill at home and lock the doors?Wrong!We forget that the windows in our houses become entrances with one swift hurl of a brick.Your home is NOT safe.The best thing to do initially is to pitch a tent in a wooded area where you can conceal it with branches, etc.Ideally this would be close to your new water source.If you stay in an area for a while and feel it is safe, you can begin building a more permanent home out of wood, just make sure that it is well camouflaged at all times.

6: Learn to hunt/fish

You will need a source of protein if you are to fit and stay healthy. You won't be feeling great after a few months living on rice and super-noodles. Use your gun, but make sure you don't run out of ammo. Fields are packed with all kinds of tasty treats, such as rabbits, hares and woodpigeon. If you have the patience, you can make crude, yet effective trap by propping up a bucket with a stick, and leaving an enticing train of stale bread or rice. Tie a long piece of string to the sick, hide out of sight, and yank the string when your bird or bunny is in range. You could have grabbed a fishing rod when you were at the guns and tackle shop, but you were probably too stupid to think of that. You can make your own out of a stick and some string. It won't work well, but it's better than nothing.

7: Eat nettles.

Nettles are practically everywhere, and contain more nutrition than spinach. High in potassium, iron, sulphur, vitamin C, vitamin A and B complex vitamins nettles will be an invaluable asset to your post-apocalyptic diet. Obviously, you will want to cook them first or you will have a highly unpleasant culinary experience. They will still taste like crap, but you won't get scurvy if you are eating these bad boys.

With these seven basic tips, you might just stand a chance…Good luck!





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