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Rule 1: Do not wear any clothes that your wife, and/or girlfriend, mistakes them for hers or says they are “cute”. The word “cute” is a code word women use when they are embarrassed by what you are wearing. By the way real men need; tools, blue jeans, some sweatshirts, couple of Polo shirts, boots, athletic shoes, 1 nice suit, sharp razor, TV, something with wheels, frosty beverages, and if they are lucky membership by having a MAN CARD..

Rule 2: Do not comment on the looks of another man unless it is to ridicule him in order for him to shape up and quit crying about his inability to understand women. It’s a given that we don’t understand women so just nod your head, act like you are listening, and remember every other sentence they say should they “test” you. Women are complicated creatures so let’s think of them as a combination of; unicorns  (note: you are not to ever use the word “unicorn” other than if it is part of a bedtime story), tinsel, and paintings by Michelangelo. Unicorns as they are “magical and elusive creatures”. Tinsel as they are ‘sparkly”. Michelangelo because they are; beautiful, have depth, and are timeless.

Rule 3: Do not have a ring tone by; Barry Manilow, Liberace, Air Supply, or any group affiliated with disco music.

Rule 4: Do not use crayons in public. Save your “following the lines” and “shading” skills for close members of the family (note: this rule does not apply to Jeff Schrembs for reasons known to his family).

Rule 5: Root for real sports teams and sporting events. Golf, and Polo, may be used only as an excuse to get away from the house.

Rule 6: Do not begin every sentence with the word “Bro” or discuss Justin Bieber other than to say he is the “male Miley Cyrus” so his 15 minutes of fame will soon pass.

Rule 7: Do not lift your shirt up to check out your abs in the mirror while at the gym.  It you can’t feel the definition in your abs, or you are pasty white, no one wants to see them in public.

Rule 8: Do not ever use words such as; quivering, secrete, anticipation, fabulous, sooooo pretty, tummy, uber, or bye- bye.

Rule 9: Do not update your status on Facebook using any type of “smiley faces”.

Rule 10: Do not share these rules, verbally or in written form, to females. For they, live longer than us, and remember everything we do (especially random stuff from our past along with every mistake we ever made). Plus they will make comments such as “real men don’t need MAN CARDS”.

© Copyright 2013Jeff Schrembs All rights reserved. Jeff Schrembs has granted theNextBigWriter, LLC non-exclusive rights to display this work on Booksie.com.