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Tonnes Of Punny Puns



Submitted:Apr 30, 2008    Reads: 176    Comments: 1    Likes: 0   

Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.

When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way

Question: How did Christopher Columbus finance his trip to America? Answer: With the Discover Card.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot.

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four bucks," says the bartender. "Put it on my bill."

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way

When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"

I was on an elevator the other day, and the operator kept calling me 'son.' I said, 'Why do you call me 'son'? You're not my father.' He said, 'I brought you up, didn't I?'

What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.

There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.

I get enough exercise just by pushing my luck.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"

Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.

Without geometry, life is pointless

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and on the table was a checkered tablecloth. It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.

Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.

I went to a seafood disco rave last week and pulled a mussel.

What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

Which president was least guilty? Lincoln. He is in a cent.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Have you heard about the lawyers word processor? No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent? The FDA refused to license it, though. Seems it was habit-forming.

Question: How did Christopher Columbus finance his trip to America? Answer: With the Discover Card.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot.

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.
The job was only so-so anyhow.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.

Did you hear about the optometrist who feel into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder & got a little behind in his work?

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing around in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. About an hour later the manager comes out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked as they moved along. "Because," said the manager, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A hiker was trekking through the forest and came upon a baby bald eagle that had fallen from the nest. The bird didn't seem well at all, but the hiker was unable to help. He gently placed the weak baby bird on a nearby branch and went on his way. A forest ranger tracked him down later and charged him with "Ill eagle in tree."

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.

A King ordered the heads of several of his counts chopped off because they refused to reveal where they had buried their treasures. As the axes began to fall, one count decided to change his mind, but it was too late. Moral: Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken. !"

A hangover is the wrath of grapes

A lady wrote to an advice column in a newspaper: 'I have been engaged to a man for some time, but just before the wedding, I find he has a wooden leg. Do you think I should break it off?'

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. Oh my, I am so sorry, the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! ! You know, he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" No, she replied, "You just happened to catch my eye."

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy

A man opened a dry-cleaning business next door to the convent. He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.

A man recently invented a knife that cuts four loaves of bread simultaneously. He calls his invention a four-loaf cleaver.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there any thing you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

A medical doctor moonlighted as a theatre critic. When he published a critical review of a production of Madame Butterfly, the director of the show charged with "opera rating without a license."

A perverted burglar broke into a British museum and molested some of the life size statues of politicians. He was charged with statue Tory rape.

A princess gets her education one knight at a time.

A warehouse worker at Baccarat accidentally dropped a box of the fine crystal. So he wouldn't get in trouble he buried the box of shards in the ground. A co-worker saw him do this and led managers to where the crystal rested in pieces. The man was charged with breaking and interring.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother

A good pun is its own reword

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor

A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

An optimist is a very dense fog, but a bigamist is even denser.

And don't forget the Russian astronaut who was nervous about going into space so he took too many antidepressants, became psychotic and killed his fellow crew members on the space station. He was charged with premedicated MIRder.

And then there was the guy who stabbed his own mother to death as she slept in her bed. He was charged with "mattresside"

And there's the case of a pert and perceptive young lady of our acquaintance. Her boy friend is currently prospecting for oil somewhere in the Middle East. So she sent him a 'Get Well' card.

As the band were getting their instruments in key she said to the audience that this was a Chinese folk song called "Too Ning".

ASCII silly question, Get a silly ANSI

At a hearing aid center: 'Let us give you some sound advice.'

At one time, economic conditions caused the closing of several small clothing mills in the English countryside. A man from West Germany bought the buildings and converted them into dog kennels for the convenience of German tourists who liked to have their pets with them while vacationing in England. One summer evening, a local resident called to his wife to come out of the house. "Just listen!" he urged. "The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich!"

Baby seal walks into a club. What a tragedy.

Cell phones are a static symbol.

Cinderella was thrown off the basketball team because she ran away from the ball.

Compare a prisoner in shackles to one unshackled. It's the difference of a pinion

Corduroy pillows are making headlines

Dear, must you spend so much money on food? "Sorry, darling, but you and the kids just won't eat anything else!"

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Did you hear about the constipated composer? He couldn't finish the last movement.

Did you hear about the woman who escaped from the back of a police car? She was arrested for reading palms. She escaped because she was very short, only 4' 6" tall. The headline in the local newspaper read: 'Short Medium at Large.'

Diet slogan: Are You Going The Wrong Weigh

Dieting is a matter of life and breedth

Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.' That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. Is it common? It's not unusual

Doctor Evil cloned himself again. This time created a full size version of himself. He was charged with "Bigger Me."

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Dollywood is currently undergoing renovations....please PARTON our dust!

Don't put too many adaptors into one socket. They confuse.

Dr. Oleander Fern, the noted biologist, was stumped. He had spent months studying the little green frogs in the swamp. Despite all efforts at predator control, population was declining at an alarming rate. Fern finally went to the chemistry department at his college to see if anyone there might be able to help. Dr. Myra Cantha looked into the problem and came up with a solution. The little frogs had succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp's water and simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce. Myra brewed up a new adhesive, made from a dash of this, a zoss of that and, most critically, one part sodium. "You mean?" said Fern. Yes, said Myra. "They need a mono-sodium glue to mate!"

A dyslexic atheist with insomnia lays awake wondering if there really IS a Dog

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery

Families are like fudge. Mostly sweet with a few nuts.

Father to his six-year-old-son: 'Words are very important. When you talk to your neighbors, just say your aunt likes to crochet. Don't call her the happy hooker!'

Garry said, "you remind me of a pepper pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

George Clooney was having some cosmetic surgery done.His doctor decided while George was under the knife to modify his chin. George was aghast to find that his dimple had been removed and charged the doctor with cleft of property.

Ghandi, the Super-Calloused Fragile Mystic Hexed by Halitosis

Gravity is a myth; Earth sucks.

Have you heard about the lawyers word processor? No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent? The FDA refused to license it, though. Seems it was habit-forming.

Have you heard of the Mexican ghost named Jose? They call him, "No Weigh, Jose".

Headline: Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan.

Headline: Two convicts evade noose, jury hung.

Heard about the musician that robbed the bank.... He made off with the lute!

How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

Hussein was brought up on charges of screwing over his people while living large.The charge was Saddamy.

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

I get enough exercise just by pushing my luck.

I have a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

I remember the case not too long ago of the scientist that cloned himself. However, his clone was very obnoxious, while the scientist was well received and respected. Finally fed up with his experiment gone wrong, he threw his clone off the roof of the laboratory; killing the clone. He was arrested by the local police for making an obscene clone fall.

I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He asked "How flexible are you?" I replied, "I can't come on Tuesdays".

I said to the train driver, "I want to go to Paris". He asked "Eurostar?" I replied, "I've been on telly but I'm no Tom Cruise".
I tried looking for gold, but it didn't pan out.
I tried to make the plump ladies see the error of their weighs.
I used to be a banker, but lost interest in the work.
I used to be a baker, but I didn't make enough dough.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded
I used to be a blackjack host, but was offered a better deal.
I used to work for Budweiser, but then I got canned.
I used to be a butler, but found the work wasn't my cup of tea.
I used to be a carpenter, but then I got bored.
I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patients.
I used to be a fisherman, but I got caught playing hooky.
I used to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing.
I used to be a hotel clerk, but then I had reservations.
I used to be a nun, but I got expelled because of my dirty habits.
I used to be a marathon runner, but couldn't stand the agony of de feet.
I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I was canned because I couldn't concentrate.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn't trained.
I used to be a road digger, but I got re-trenched.
I used to be a sanitation engineer, but the city dumped me.
I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.
I used to be a shoe salesman, till they gave me the boot.
I used to work at Starbucks, but I got tired of the daily grind.
I used to be a tailor, but found the work to be just so-so.
I used to be a taxi driver, but found I couldn't hack it.
I used to be a teacher, but found I didn't have enough class.
I used to be a tennis instructor, but it just wasn't my racket.
I used to be a train driver but I got sidetracked.
I used to be a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn't in it.
I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn't stick with it.
I considered going into the ministry but I didn't have an altar ego.
I tried working in a bakery, but was told I wasn't "bread" for it.
I thought becoming a candle maker, but I wasn't sure wick end was up.
I wanted to be a stenographer, but they told me they are not short-handed at the moment.
I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and on the table was a checkered tablecloth. It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.

I was on an elevator the other day, and the operator kept calling me 'son.' I said, 'Why do you call me 'son'? You're not my father.' He said, 'I brought you up, didn't I?'

I went to a seafood disco rave last week and pulled a mussel.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything else, trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

If I planned to stay up past my bed time to pursue amour, could I say I planned to sin till late tonight?

If the devil lost his tail, where could he find a new one? At a store where they retail spirits.

If the FBI augmented its postal posters of 10 Most Wanted by painting the info on coffee containers and dispensing them, would I drink my morning coffee from a mug with the mug of a mugger?

If you dream in vivid colors, is that a pigment of your imagination?

If you think I'm a lousy driver, wait until you see me putt.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

If you want a pretty nurse, you've got to be patient.

I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

In all the commotion the little moth asleep on the light fixture awakened. He listened to the story in amazement. As the whole story unfolded the moth became terribly sad - Have you ever seen a moth bawl?

In Baltimore, the Psychic Friends Network has filed for bankruptcy. They say they never saw it coming.

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids!

It is rumored that Bobby Fischer got bored of playing chess with Russians. He asked the association to fix his next match with some other Europeans. It seems his telegram read, "How about a Czech mate?"

It's a good thing someone invented venetian blinds, otherwise, it would be "curtains" for everyone.

Jan. 19, 1896 the first music patent was granted. The man who received it said he got it for a song.

Jurisprudence fetishists get off on technicalities

Madness takes its toll; please have exact change.

Many campaign promises are sound. Just sound!

Many years ago there was a small town that had several bakeries. One of these was run by the aunts of a man named Penn. He and his aunts baked the best pies in the state. Not only that, but they were also the least expensive. Now the other bakers could make equally delicious pies, but Penn always sold more, for no one could beat the 'pie rates of Penn's aunts'.

Mark Twain at one time was arrested but got off scot-free because the judge was in a good mood. He decided to offer Samuel Langhorne clemency.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before
Possible Company Mergers:

1. Xerox and Wurlitzer:
Joining forces to make reproductive organs.
2. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers:
New company expected to be called Fairwell Honeychild.
3. Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler:
New company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.
4. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush Co.
and W. R. Grace Co.
New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
5. 3M & Goodyear:
To be known as: Mmm-Good.
6. John Deere & Abitibi-Price:
New company will surely become Deere Abi.
7. Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil:
Combining forces to become Honey, I'm Home.
8. Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining:
To now become Mine, All Mine
9. 3M, J.C. Penney, Canadian Opera Company:
New company slated to be called 3 Penney Opera
10. Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants:
Will be known from now on as Poupon Pants
11. Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women:
Joining forces to become Knott NOW!
12. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, Dakota Mining:
What else but Zip Audi Do-Da
Miracle of the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw.

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

My next door neighbor worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

My wife just performed an act of plastic surgery. She cut up all her credit cards.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time

Office door of NASA executive: 'Out to Launch.'
Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
Old garagemen never die, they just retire.
Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
Old investors never die, they just roll over.
Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor....
Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.
Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.
Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....
Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
Old professors never die, they just lose their class.
Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.
Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.

Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
Old students never die, they just get degraded.
Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
Old teachers never die, they just lose their class.
Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.
Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.
Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.
There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics, but their future is doubtful.
Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.
Once there was a toad who wanted to add on to his Lilly pad. Now, Mr. Toad needed money to undertake this project, so he went down to the bank to get a loan. There at the teller window was his old friend, Ms. Patricia Wack. Hello, Patricia, said Mr. Toad. "I need a loan so I can add onto my lily pad." Well, Mr. Toad, we can lend you the money, but we need some collateral. Do you have anything you can give us? Mr. Toad went through his bag of possessions and came out with a little gold statue. "This is all I have," he said. "Well, I don't know," said Patricia. "Let me ask the president." So Patricia walked into the President's office and said, "Mr. Toad needs a loan, but this is all he has as collateral," and she handed him the statue. The president looked at the statue and said, "It's a nick-nack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan."

One churchperson to another: 'I can't remember your name but your faith is familiar.'

One day a Czechoslovakian came to visit his friend in New York. When ask what he wanted to see the Czechoslovakian replied, "I would like to see one of the zoos in America." To his delight, the New Yorker took him to the zoo. While they were touring the zoo, and standing in front of the gorilla cage, one of the gorillas busted out of the cage and swallowed the Czech whole. Shocked, his friend from New York quickly called over the zoo keeper. He quickly explained the situation and ask the zoo keeper what he planed to do. The zoo keeper got an axe and ask the man, "Okay, which gorilla did it, was it the male or the female." Pointing out the female as the culprit, the zoo keeper quickly split the female gorilla open and found nothing of the Czech. With which the man from New York shrugged and said, "Guess the Czech's in the male."

One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies, "Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger." The owner replies, "Well, let's see Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?" The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color sonny." To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?" No son, I want this color. But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you? says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale. By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about. The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"

People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.

Pet Store: "Buy one, get one flea."

Punsters deserve to be drawn and quoted.

Question: How did Christopher Columbus finance his trip to America? Answer: With the Discover Card.

Question: What happens when you play country music backwards? Answer: You get your wife back, you get your house back, you get your job back, you get your car back, etc?

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his lorry ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Scientists found a way to clone a bit of Shakespeare's DNA and recreate The Great Bard. Naturally, ABC, NBC, CBS, and CNN were vying with each other to get him on their networks. When they approached Mr. S with their offers, how did he respond? TV or not TV, that is the question.

Show me the first president's dentures, and I'll show you the George Washington Bridge.

Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot.

Sick of Hamburgers? Dress them up with this great spread from Getty's, available at all Lincoln Supermarkets. Make hamburgers a real treat with Lincoln's Getty's Burger Dress.

Sign on a clothing store - Come inside and have a fit.

Some people are wise, and some, otherwise.

Some people trade TIT-FOR-TAT; healthy people trade FIT-FOR-FAT.

Speaking ill of the dead is a grave mistake.

Statisticians say "mean" things.

Tae Kwan Do or Judo? Which martial arts class should I take?, Tom asked kungfusedly.

That was ZEN -- this is TAO.

The Cleveland Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage - about 20 minutes - during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bass violinists are prone to do) one of them looked at his watch. Hey! We need to get back! No need to panic, said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled." A few moments later, they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. Well, of course, said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

The Complete Shrimp Cookbook is pure prawnography.

The concept of dividing the globe into longitudinal strips or bands to establish time zones, was first proposed by Sweden's Alex Andersrag. But few people today refer to these zones as Alex Andersrag Time Bands.

The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, and ploughed into an empty toll booth, smashing it to pieces. Some time after the driver had reported the damage, he watched as a repair truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. They picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new. Astonishing! said the truck driver to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to stick all the pieces together?" Oh, that was tollgate booth paste.

The first scientists who studied fog were mistified.

Did you hear about the magician who walked down the street and turned into a drugstore

The more things change, the more they stay insane.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"

The picture of the horse is good. But where is the wagon? "Oh, the horse will draw that."

The pun is mightier than the sword

The standard deviation is not enough for perverted staticians

Then there was the student nurse who got three demerits for being absent without gauze.

There once was a small town in which lived a group of monks. These monks, having need of money to fund their monastery, decided to open up a flower shop. Well the rest of the townspeople were very pleased at first, since they hadn't had a flower shop before. However, some people became concerned when they noticed that whenever children were sent to the flower shop to flowers, they went missing. A group of citizens went to the shop to see if the monks knew what had happened to them. They entered the store and were immediately impressed and awed by the wide assortment of exotic flora present. However, their admiration turned to horror when one of the larger plants reached down, grabbed a small boy, and swallowed him whole! The villagers fled the shop screaming, attracting the attention of the other townspeople. As soon as the news was spread, the people decided that the only thing to do was to get rid of the evil monks! A group of 20 men were assembled, and they armed themselves with clubs and staves. At high noon, they attacked the monks' flower shop. However, they were unprepared for the high level of fighting skills of the brown-robed brothers: The men were beaten back in less than fifteen minutes! So the townspeople assembled a second group, this time arming them with knives and scythes. At midnight, they attacked. But once again, the merciless monks beat them back, this time in less than ten minutes! The townspeople were at a loss. Who would save them? Suddenly, out of the darkness, stepped Hugh the blacksmith, the tallest, strongest, and most foul-smelling man in the village. "Do not worry, my friends", said Hugh. "*I* will rid this town of these evil evangelists!" The townspeople, having no other alternative (and nothing to lose except a relatively poor blacksmith), armed Hugh with clubs, staves, knives and scythes, and sent him off to vanquish the foul friars. They waited impatiently at the edge of the town, hoping against hope that Hugh would return victorious. Suddenly, over the crest of the hill, silhouetted against the afternoon sun, appeared Hugh. Over his shoulder was slung the remains of the hideous man-eating plant. The monks have fled! Their flowers will trouble us no more!, cried Hugh. The townspeople cried out with joy, and, proclaiming the day a holiday, feasted and danced until dawn. From that day on, a moral was passed on to all the children of the town. Whenever they were tempted to make fun of Hugh and his slow, smelly ways, they were reminded: "Only Hugh Can Prevent Florist Friars."

There was a inebriated man taking a dip in a Scotland tourist spot where there is a law that says you can't be intoxicated while swimming in the loch....he was charged with public drunk in Ness.

There was this yellow toad hopping down a path in the woods. He was feeling really sick and had such a terrible cough he though he might croak. Anyway, he came upon a man who, it turns out, was a doctor. He diagnosed the frogs illness right away, but, alas, he found he was not carrying the medicine with him that the frog required. The doctor pointed down the path toward a distant hill. "Toad", he said, "if you can hop down past that hill you will find a village where my office is located. Take this prescription with you and tell the druggist to give you what you need." The toad thanked the doctor and started on his journey A few hours later, the doctor came upon a bunny , hopping through the woods. "And how are you today, Mr. Rabbit?" said the doctor. Not so good, came the reply. "I hopped on a thorn a few miles back and my foot is starting to swell." The doctor looked at the rabbit's limb and applied a temporary bandage. "You need to see my nurse who will give you a better dressing and make you well again." Oh thank you! said the rabbit. "Which way do I go to find your office?" With that, the doctor point toward the distant hill and said "Follow the yellow sick toad."

There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned!

These two blokes are lost in the Sahara desert. They're desperate for water, but just as they think they're about to die, they chance upon a village where market day is in full swing. They go to the first stall they see and ask if they can buy some water. No, replies the Bedouin stall owner, "I only sell fruit. Try the next stall." So off they go to the next stall and again they ask for water. "Sorry," says the merchant, "But I only sell custard." Custard? one of the blokes says to the other, "What kind of place is this?" By now desperate, they go to the next stall, only to be told, "Sorry, but I only sell jelly." Hearing this, one of the blokes turns to the other and says, "This is a trifle bazaar."

They arrested a man for passing himself off as the comedian named Seinfeld....the charge was playjerism.

They arrested a woman for causing an accident while on her cellphone....she was charged with driving while intalksicated.

They arrested the barber for running a clip joint.

They arrested the bartender for taking liquor home. I believe the official charge was "emboozlement."

They arrested the Chrysler salesman and he couldn't a-Ford bail.

They arrested the former chewing gum manufacturer for unlicensed ex-spearmints.

They arrested the hock shop owner for indecency--he was selling pawnographic materials.

They arrested the monkey for throwing Rhesus feces at zoo attendants.His charge? Turd debris assault

They arrested the owner of a threatening bull--he was brought up on charges.

They arrested the Pfizer pharmaceutical rep for hitting a pharmacist because he wouldn't buy their popular pill---he was charged with Viagravated assault.

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his hometown for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter says, "Well, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."

This story takes place in the distant future, where interstellar travel is commonplace and contacts with alien races are familiar experiences. One day a planet is discovered out Antares way whose sole inhabitant is an enormous humanoid, three miles high and made of granite. At first it is mistaken for an immense statue left by some vanished race of giants, for it squats motionless on a yellow plain, exhibiting no outward sign of life. It has legs, but it never rises to walk on them. It has a mouth, but never eats or speaks. It has what appears to be a perfectly functional brain, the size of a four-story condominium, but the brain lies dormant, electrochemical activity at a standstill. Yet it lives. This puzzles the heck out of the scientists, who try everything they can think of to get some sign of life from the behemoth -- in vain. It just squats, motionless and seemingly thoughtless, until one day a xenobiologist, frustrated beyond endurance, screams, "How could evolution give legs, mouth and a brain to a creature that doesn't use them?" It happens that he's the first to ask a direct question in the thing's presence. It rises with a thunderous rumble to its full height, scattering the clouds, thinks for a moment, booms, "IT COULDN'T," and squats down again Oh my God, exclaims the xenobiologist, "Of course! It only stands to reason"

Three Native American mothers sat around the campfire. One, seated on deer skin, boasted that her son weighed 140 pounds. A second, seated on her mountain lion skin, claimed that her son weighed 160 pounds. The third, seated on a hippopotamus skin, said, "I don't have any sons, but I myself weigh 300 pounds." Which proves that the squaw on the hide of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

Tibetan housewife upon entering her smoke-filled kitchen: "Oh, my baking yak!"

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" Exclaimed Daisy.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam"

Two old tomcats were bragging about their brave exploits. "Nice looking scars you've got their on your neck!" said one. "Thanks," said the other,"I made them from scratch."

Two vultures board an airplane; each is carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Two wrongs can make a riot.

Unemployment is not working.

Wear short sleeves. Support your right to bear arms.

We're a fastidious couple.... I'm fast.... She's tedious.

What did the chimpanzee say when his sister had a baby? Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.

What did the coach say to his losing team of snakes? You can't venom all.

What did the mother say to her kids when she came home to find the sink piled high? Dishes a real mess!

What did the religious owner of a pest control company tell his workers he sent them off to their assignments each day? "Brothers and sisters, let us spray."

What did the toy store sign say? Don't feed the animals. They are already stuffed.

What Disney movie is about a gal who couldn't rise above a housecleaning position? The Little Mere Maid

What Disney movie is about a stupid boyfriend? Dumb Beau

What Disney movie is about the tall-tale-telling champ? The Lyin' King

What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

What do you get if you cross a bullet and a tree with no leaves? A cartridge in a bare tree.

What happened to the woman with ten children? She went stork raving mad.

What happened when the cow tried to jump over a barbed wire fence? Udder destruction.

What is a mouse's favorite game? Hide and Squeak

What is the breed of canine that easily forgets his place on the trail? Wherewolf

What is the difference between a crazy rabbit and a counterfeit coin? One is bad money, and the other is a mad bunny.

What is the difference between a frog and a cat? A frog croaks all the time, a cat only nine times.

What is the difference between a knight and Santa's reindeer? One slays the dragon and the other is draggin' the sleigh.

What is the difference between a miser and a canary? One's a little cheap and the other is a little cheeper.

What is the difference between a unicorn and lettuce? One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.

What is the difference between a well dressed man and a dog? The man wears a suit, the dog just pants.

What is the difference between an ornithologist and a stutterer? One is a bird watcher, and the other is a word botcher.

What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence

What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.

What is the religion of a woman who had a sex-change operation. A HeThen

What musical is about a train conductor? "My Fare, Lady"

What would you get if you crossed a bat with a lonely hearts club? Lots of blind dates.

What would you get if you crossed a donkey with an owl? A smart ass which knows it all.

What would you get if you crossed a mole with a porcupine? A tunnel that leaks.

What would you get if you crossed a parrot with a centipede? A walkie-talkie.

What would you get if you crossed a pigeon and a general? A military coo.

What would you get if you crossed an electric eel with a sponge? A shock absorber.

What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong.

When I saw a lorry load of tortoises crash into a train load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"

When Mr. Sip's wife steps into the rest room, does Mississippi?

When NASA puts 20 head of cattle into outer space, it will be the first herd shot around the world.

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

When the cops raided the strip joint, who did they arrest every bawdy?

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination

Whenever I hear Pavlov's name, it rings a bell.

Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.

Which president was least guilty? Lincoln. He is in a cent.

While at an amusement park one very windy day, Scott found himself inside one of the buildings in idle conversation a park janitor, who was preparing to go outside to pick up the blowing litter. The woman was of small stature (4'10", 90 pounds) and she remarked that she would have to put rocks in her shoes when she went outside to work. Scott looked at her and said, "You mean, now I weigh me down to sweep?"

While Nostradamus was alive, he was in great demand by the various churches and temples in the area. Since this got to be a strain running from place to place, the religious groups got together and hammered out a schedule where they would each get Nostradamus' services for one or two days a month on a rotating basis. It was the world's first prophet-sharing plan.

Why couldn't the chicken find her eggs? Because she mislaid them.

Why is a fisherman more honest than a shepherd? A fisherman lives by hook while a shepherd lives by crook.

Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.

Why was the college football star's father unhappy after he paid the school tuition for his son? He only got a quarter back.

Why was the tired knight's butt like a mythical beast? His Ass was Dragon

Will pollution of the Grand Canal make a Venetian blind?

With everything you read about spray cans and the ozone layer it's enough to scareosol to death.

Without geometry, life is pointless

Years ago, scientists developed artificial sugars and in more recent years artificial fat. In 1999, scientists invented artificial spaghetti. What was the brand name? Impasta

You say it's the New Communism, but I think it's just the same old Bolshevik

Young Stan told his father that when he grew up he wanted to drive a big Army tank. 'Well, son,' said his dad, 'if that's what you want to do, I won't stand in your way."

Your funny, funny looking!

You're american outside the bathroom, but inside, european.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."

A day without wordplay is a day without punshine.

A famous British wit claimed he could make a pun on any topic. He was challenged to make a pun about the queen. He looked concerned, then said brusquely, "The Queen is certainly not a subject."

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

A few years ago, there was a really eccentric oil tycoon who had taken it into his head to collect really strange and exotic pets. One day, deciding to add to his collection, he walked into the store of an exotic pet shop and said to the salesman, "Show me the most unusual pet you have in stock!" The salesman took him to an outside tank, in which a pod of dolphins were frolicking happily. "These may LOOK like ordinary dolphins," he told the man, "but these were given to us to sell by a genetics research group studying ways to genetically reduce aging in humans. It seems the experiment was a success on these little guys. They can't survive out in the wild anymore, they're too tame, but as long as they don't catch any severe debilitating diseases, they will live more or less forever." The man is impressed, and being the wealthy man that he is, drops the cash to buy the dolphins and have a suitable home for them installed in his backyard. The man became quite attached to his pets and took very good care of them, and they frolicked about in their tank happily for nearly fifteen years, much longer than any of his other pets had ever survived. The man spared no expense for their care, and seriously considered leaving his multi-million dollar estate to them in his will. But one day they began to seem a little droopy and not very energetic. Alarmed, the man rang for the vet, who told him that alas, his precious dolphins had contracted a rare icthyoid disease, and the only antibiotic for them had to be derived from the feathers of the blue Savannah Parrot that lived on the jungle fringes of Africa. The man didn't think twice. He called up his travel agent and booked the next day's flight to Africa, and rented a jeep and a guide and pack boy to help him bag some of these parrots. They drove up to the edge of the jungle, stopped the jeep and trudged into the trees on an old native hunting trail, nets in hand. After about six hours of this, they had bagged two of the parrots, and the man decided that would be enough feather to make enough antibiotic for his pets. So he trudges back out toward the jeep - and freezes. A huge, stately lion had decided to take a nap right in the middle of the path between him and the jeep. He looks over his shoulder and realizes that his companions have fled leaving him literally holding the bag, and the growth is too thick on either side of the trail to make it past without waking the lion. So he backs up about fifty feet, gets a running start, and leaps over the beast and makes a dash for the jeep and drives off for the airport. Just as he is nearing sight of the airport, he hears a siren and sees some flashing lights. He dutifully pulls over, and a policeman steps up to him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're under arrest - " The man interrupts him, "Oh, please, officer, I'll pay any fine at all! I need to get these parrots back so I can make a vaccine for my dolphins so they don't die!" Well, sir, the policeman replies, "I'm afraid that's the root of the problem. I have to arrest you for taking mynahs over the stately lion for immortal porpoises."

A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.

A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer ... and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

A chicken walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry we don't serve poultry." The chicken replies, "That's ok, I only want a drink."

A doctor walked into a bar across from Cedar Sinai Hospital still wearing his surgical greens and a stethoscope around his neck. As he sat at the bar he noticed that there was a pile of toys next to the cash register. "What are those?" he asked. The bartender said "Those are wind-up toys for the customers to play with. Would you like one? The mouse is my favorite." "OK, let me try the mouse, and bring me a drink. I'll have a ummmm let's see what would be good?" "How about my specialty? If you can guess what it is, the first one is free," the bartender offered. "OK, fine!" the doctor replied, winding up the toy mouse. When the toy was put on the bar it began to run in circles. Every time the mouse completed a loop it stopped, sat up and wiggled its nose. Then it quickly ran back around the circle in the other direction. Meanwhile, a couple were arguing at the other end of the bar over another one of the toys. It was a clock that played different songs, depending on where the hands were pointed. The guy said to the woman "Mary, you always grab that one before I get here just because you know it's my favorite! Let me have it!" and she said "Don't be stupid, Juan, you never liked this clock until I started playing with it!" Meanwhile the mouse continued spinning madly on the bar, as the bartender approached with a cocktail glass filled with a frothy green liquid. "That mouse is amazing," the doctor said, "it's been running for almost five minutes and it hasn't slowed down yet!" "I know, that's why it is my favorite, but I guess it will run down soon. Here's your drink. Taste it. What do you think it is?" The doctor sniffed the glass, noting the distinctive aroma of rum, and saw that there were brown flecks floating on top. He sipped it apprehensively as the fight in the corner escalated. "I have had it with you, Mary! I'm leaving!" the guy yelled, as he started for the door. "OK, there's rum and lime juice in it," the doctor ventured, "and I think those brown specks are ground up walnuts." The mouse began to slow slightly, as the woman in the corner screamed "You want the damn thing, you can have it!" She threw the clock toward the door as the doctor's face brightened, and he said, "I know! I've got it! It's a walnut daiquiri!" Nope, but you're close, the bartender said as the clock struck Juan, and the mouse ran down, "It's a hickory daiquiri doc!"

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."

A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "No, I never thought the parrot would sell the place."

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!" Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said "beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over,"Heyi must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here other than us." "It's the peanuts" answered the bartender. "Say what?" "You heard me" said the barkeep."it's the peanuts they're complimentary."

A guy walks into a bar. "OUCH!" he said

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here, you know." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."

A little guy walks into a bar and s


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