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Twilight: Win or Fail?

Book review By: PKMP
Humor



So, you all wanna know what I think of Twilight, my once favorite book? Alright, I'll tell you. This is sorta a follow-up on Bojabba's Twilight review. XD


Submitted:Aug 28, 2010    Reads: 195    Comments: 4    Likes: 0   


Twilight... I too was once obsessed, squealing whenever I saw a silver car that could possibly be a volvo, dumping glitter all over myself to make my skin sparkle, getting in fights over who claimed Edward... Yeah, I went through that phase. But then, I realized. I hate Twilight. Everyone became overly obsessed as well, and add the movies on top and I got sick of it. Now, I don't just hate it because of that, mind you. Once I actually READ Twilight, not just skim the pages laughing at the 'funny' parts and crying at the 'sad', I found that while a decent writer, Stephenie Meyer actually somewhat sucks, to say the least. Now, I don't mean to insult her or anything (well, maybe a little), but it's true. Sure, she's got some skill, skill I pray every night to gain, but when you seriously look at it you can see all these flaws you never would have imagined to see.

1. There are way to many holes and unanswered questions. For example, the big question of: Just what the fudge does Edward do when Bella has her monthly visiter?Or, a more awkard one, how, if he is as hard as rock, doesn't bleed or pee and stuff, can he make a baby?And is he always... Hard? Yeah, I know some of these questions are only for the sick of mind, but it's not my fault. I blame my friends who have corrupted me. Anywho, you may be thinking:'Well, that IS very awkward to write, and hard to express. How in the world do you expect her to answer those questions?' Well, my friends, believe it or not, there are many ways that you can answer questions like that and explain things without saying them directly. You've just gotta find a way to word it so that it implys what you are trying to get across, without being to blunt. It's really not that hard, when you think about it. And yes, there are way more holes and questions, but I'll leave it to you to find them.

2. You remember those 'funny' lines in the story that make you smile?Guess what. They aren't really funny. Maybe a little, but honestly, I've seen way funnier. She adds those lines to try and add some comic relief, but it's not enough and fials horribly. And the whole 'I'm Switzerland' and 'I'm a Virgo' crap, those are the worst. Trust me, I know funny, and that ain't funny. Now, you wanna see funny?Read the Mortal Instuments series. Cassandra Clare knows how to get the funny in, even in the not-funny moments, and it adds just the right amount of comic relief.

3. The books really aren't that sad. When Edward left Bella, it wasn't really that sad because you KNEW he'd come back. It's obvious. No one would spend an entire book building that relationship just to destroy it and start a new one. It's stupid and a waste of time, and it would cost her all her fans, even a lot of the Team Jacob ones. Because, whether you love Jacob more or not, your mind generally will want the two canon characters to get together, and when you don't you get REALLY pissed. Well, I do, at least. And everything just gets too predictable. There's no twists in the plot or anything!I, being one who lives for twisted plots, am severely dissappointed by that.

4. Flat characters. None of them have any special personality traits that separate them from the rest. Just their appearences. Even Rosalie, who hates Bella and all that, has a flatness about her hatred. It's too obvious and all that. Also, their powers and abilities are way too lame in my mind. I mean, visions or the future?Mind reading?Everybody does that. How bout a bit of creativity?Other than glittering?Y'know, creativity that makes the story good?

5. This is what pisses me off the most, probably because it's more personal. Bella is NOT clumsy. She says she is, but she really isn't. She stumbles around a bit in the first book, and they mention it every now and then, but not one single thing that happened to her was ever caused by being clumsy. And I know clumsy. I can't walk two feet without tripping on air. And clumsiness doesn't get you in the freaking hospital every five days, and she's goin around saying 'oh, well with my constant hospital-goings I'll just ask Carlisle there', or something similar. The worst I've gotten is a sprained ankle, and that was just recently. Before that it was a really badly skinned knee, and that was because I fell of my bike. Yeah, I scrape my knees and sometimes hurt my ankles when the randomly give out from underkneath me, but I've never even been to the school nurse for clumsiness. Bella ISNOTclumsy!I think her 'clumsiness' isn't working because the author herself isn't clumsy, and you really gotta know what it's like to write about it, y'know?

6. The pregnancy. Way too predictable. All the fans wrote fics about her getting preggo before the book came out and it was just really dissappointing. Now, me being a child-lover (not like that, you creep), I normally love stories with preggoness, but it wasn't creative at ALL! And just the kid in general dissappointed me. She grew so fast and was all smart and crap so the author wouldn't have to write about the 'boringness' of infancy. And she made the child too perfect. I hated it.

7. Well, where to even begin with thing? Edward's perfection. What. The. Fudge?Okay, so, he's absolutely stunning and sexy and crap, perfectly considerate of Bella's feelings, doing anything to 'protect' her, and always know what to say and when and how to behave and such, never getting too jealous of Jacob or anything to upset Bella?I'm confused. How is that perfect? I mean, if a guy is too overly buff and sexy and such, I find it to be a major turn onff. I personally always feel like there needs to be some sort of flaw in his appearance for me. And then, I hate how he's always saying 'I'm so selfish' crap, because he couldn't bear to be away from Bella any longer. Being selfish doesn't mean leaving the chick for six months to 'protect' her, completely disregarding the fact that he's the only one strong enough to properly protect her. That's how it is in all the stories, cliche or not. That's how I tend to see things, is that if you want something or someone you care about protected properly, you usually gotta do it yourself, though I suppose that does usually depend on the situation. Either way, Edward's not 'perfect', he's a douche, and really cares nothing for Bella's feelings in the way he says he does.

Well, that's all I can come up with off the top of my head. So, I bid you all farewell. Bai!





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