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The Twilight Summary

Book review By: writerkc
Humor



Back when I half loved Twilight and half disliked it, I create this short "summary" of both the book and movie combined. (This was written around the time the movie first came out.)
It's written in script format. Hope you all like it!


Submitted:Jul 31, 2009    Reads: 1,287    Comments: 40    Likes: 8   


THE TWILIGHT SUMMARY

Bella: --Lands magically in Forks-- Ew. Rain.

Jessica: Hey, I'm Jessica. Let's eat lunch!

Bella: Oo, pretty people!

Edward: Gah, Bella smells so good… but I'll just stare at her evilly.

Bella: OME why is that GOD staring at me like that… oh swoon.

--Edward poofs into thin air--

Bella: Where'd he go?!

--Edward poofs back--

Bella: Oh, there you are.

Edward: Bella, we shouldn't be friends. If you're smart, which you aren't and will later prove when given life-altering decisions, you'll stay away from me.

Bella: NEVER!
Edward: Please?

--Bella is dazzled--

Bella: Okay.

Jacob: Hey, Bella! What's up?

Bella: --Smiles-- Jacob, I love you… tell me what Edward is…

Jacob: Vampire.
Bella: Gotchya.

--Lands in Port Angeles--

Bella: Ah! I need a rape whistle!

Edward: Bella! Control my anger!

Bella: Huh?

Edward: Eat something.

Bella: I know you're a vampire. Don't lie.

Edward: I want to kill you.

Bella: I don't care.

Edward: So the lion fell in love with the lamb…

Bella: Wait- when did this happen??

Edward: That's not the line, Bella.

Bella: Oh. "What a stupid lamb."

Edward: What a sick, sexy, sparkling, masochistic lion.

Bella: Kiss me!
Edward: Okay!

--They kiss. Bella rapes Edward--

Edward: Bella! You'll be the end of me!

Bella: No! Don't die!

Edward: Bella… you're so stupid. I'm mad at myself that you totally jumped on me. Not you.

Bella: Oh, okay!

Edward: By the way, I've been watching you sleep for months, and constantly stalking you. I even touch you when you don't know I'm there. (Pause) Wait, that last one sounds creepy, let me rephrase…

Bella: Really? I feel so flattered!

Edward: Oh, uh … meet my family.

Alice: I'm Alice. Hello, future sister. And vampire.

Edward: IT WILL NOT BE!

--Thunder crashes ominously outside--

Emmett: Baseball! Score!

--All poof into field--

Laurent: We are non-vegetarian vampires... we feast on humans.

James: Oh, you brought a snack?

Edward: .... My snack....
--All leave--

Bella: Edward, take me home!

Edward: No! Fine… NEVER! Okay, maybe… NOOOO!

Bella: Please?
Edward: Okay.

Bella: Charlie, I'm leaving FOREVER! Don't try and stop me! … Just like Mom!

--Bella snaps in a z-formation--

Charlie: ???

--All poof to Cullen house--


Alice: We can take her from here, Edward.

Bella: No! I will never part from Edward's side! I love him!

--Edward and Bella kiss passionately--

--Emmett giggles--

Rosalie: Oo, my giggly monkey man.

--Everyone leaves--

James: Bella, come to the ballet studio. Or I'll kill your mom.

Bella: No, not dear mother!

--Goes to ballet studio--

James: Psych.
Bella: Shit.

--James rapes Bella and cracks her skull and breaks her leg. And bites her--

Edward: BITCH, SHE'S MINE!

--Edward kills James--

Carlisle: Edward, you are the only one of us who can suck the venom out. Though I've had hundreds of years and am also immune to it, YOU must.

Edward: But I won't stop!

Carlisle: You are her ONLY hope.

--Edward sucks venom out--

--in Hospital--

Edward: I'm leaving you!

Bella: Don't!

Edward: Fine. But I'm taking you to the prom! Ba-haha!

Bella: NO!

--Bella and Edward go to prom--

Bella: I like prom.
--Jacob comes--

Edward: It smells bad in here, I need some fresh air.

--He leaves-

Jacob: My dad says to break up with Edward.

Bella: Screw your dad, and YOUR stupid werewolfness, Jacob Black!

--Pause--

Jacob: Actually, you don't find out I'm a werewolf until New Moon, Bella, after Edward leaves. Wow, you are dense…

Bella: WHAT?! BUT HE PROMISED HE'D STAY!!

Edward: What's wrong, Bella?

Bella: You promised! -air quotes- Forever!

Edward: You want to be a vampire, don't you? Right now?

--Kisses her neck--

Edward: Psych.

--Notices Jacob watching them--

Edward: **Awkward turtle **

The incredibly weird "Bella's Lullaby REMIX" which made me laugh so hard the first time I listened to it.

Getaplaylist! Standaloneplayer GetRingtones




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