Bella: --Lands magically in Forks-- Ew. Rain.
Jessica: Hey, I'm Jessica. Let's eat lunch!
Bella: Oo, pretty people!
Edward: Gah, Bella smells so good… but I'll just stare at her evilly.
Bella: OME why is that GOD staring at me like that… oh swoon.
--Edward poofs into thin air--
Bella: Where'd he go?!
--Edward poofs back--
Bella: Oh, there you are.
Edward: Bella, we shouldn't be friends. If you're smart, which you aren't and will later prove when given life-altering decisions, you'll stay away from me.
--Bella is dazzled--
Jacob: Hey, Bella! What's up?
Bella: --Smiles-- Jacob, I love you… tell me what Edward is…
--Lands in Port Angeles--
Bella: Ah! I need a rape whistle!
Edward: Bella! Control my anger!
Edward: Eat something.
Bella: I know you're a vampire. Don't lie.
Edward: I want to kill you.
Bella: I don't care.
Edward: So the lion fell in love with the lamb…
Bella: Wait- when did this happen??
Edward: That's not the line, Bella.
Bella: Oh. "What a stupid lamb."
Edward: What a sick, sexy, sparkling, masochistic lion.
--They kiss. Bella rapes Edward--
Edward: Bella! You'll be the end of me!
Bella: No! Don't die!
Edward: Bella… you're so stupid. I'm mad at myself that you totally jumped on me. Not you.
Edward: By the way, I've been watching you sleep for months, and constantly stalking you. I even touch you when you don't know I'm there. (Pause) Wait, that last one sounds creepy, let me rephrase…
Bella: Really? I feel so flattered!
Edward: Oh, uh … meet my family.
Alice: I'm Alice. Hello, future sister. And vampire.
Edward: IT WILL NOT BE!
--Thunder crashes ominously outside--
Emmett: Baseball! Score!
--All poof into field--
Laurent: We are non-vegetarian vampires... we feast on humans.
James: Oh, you brought a snack?
Bella: Edward, take me home!
Edward: No! Fine… NEVER! Okay, maybe… NOOOO!
Bella: Charlie, I'm leaving FOREVER! Don't try and stop me! … Just like Mom!
--Bella snaps in a z-formation--
--All poof to Cullen house--
Alice: We can take her from here, Edward.
Bella: No! I will never part from Edward's side! I love him!
--Edward and Bella kiss passionately--
Rosalie: Oo, my giggly monkey man.
James: Bella, come to the ballet studio. Or I'll kill your mom.
Bella: No, not dear mother!
--Goes to ballet studio--
--James rapes Bella and cracks her skull and breaks her leg. And bites her--
Edward: BITCH, SHE'S MINE!
--Edward kills James--
Carlisle: Edward, you are the only one of us who can suck the venom out. Though I've had hundreds of years and am also immune to it, YOU must.
Edward: But I won't stop!
Carlisle: You are her ONLY hope.
--Edward sucks venom out--
Edward: I'm leaving you!
Edward: Fine. But I'm taking you to the prom! Ba-haha!
--Bella and Edward go to prom--
Edward: It smells bad in here, I need some fresh air.
Jacob: My dad says to break up with Edward.
Bella: Screw your dad, and YOUR stupid werewolfness, Jacob Black!
Jacob: Actually, you don't find out I'm a werewolf until New Moon, Bella, after Edward leaves. Wow, you are dense…
Bella: WHAT?! BUT HE PROMISED HE'D STAY!!
Edward: What's wrong, Bella?
Bella: You promised! -air quotes- Forever!
Edward: You want to be a vampire, don't you? Right now?
--Notices Jacob watching them--
Edward: **Awkward turtle **
The incredibly weird "Bella's Lullaby REMIX" which made me laugh so hard the first time I listened to it.